"remarried with children?"?

Question

I have been in a serious relationship for two years now with a man who is wonderful and has been there for me unconditionally.
He has taken on my 6 year old son and I consider him my sons dad even though his biological dad is in his life in a fake kind of way.
I was a single mom for three to four years and was very independednt and naturally put my son first in my life.
My partner and I will get married one day and we both know that we are "the one" for each other. He treats my son so well and I know he loves
me unconditionally. We do have some problems however that I would really like to get figured out as it does cause stress in out relationship.
My partner says that I come across as I treat my son with more importance then him. I will say that this
is probably true. I treat my son in the way that I know I am the only thing he really has in his life as most of his family
do not care and are very phoney. I put almost all of my energy into him. I put alot of energy into my partner also. I cook and clean, leave him
messages and do creative loving things for him like notes and massages and things. He appreciates them but says he feels like I could be more loving.
This confuses me as I love him with all my heart. Me not coming across as loving as he would like and him not understanding how i do truly love him along with
guilt towards loyalty to my son is our downfall in our relationship. How can I proberly balance this? We are the typicall
"remarried with children" type realtionship and I want to marry this man and live happily. Anyone been here before? if so, how did you
balance you realtiohip with your new partner and you children after having been a single mom for so long? Any advice taken. THanks!

Answer 1

Tell him your son is of your flesh and blood and he comes first. If he cannot accept that and wants to whine about it, then he has to go.

Answer 2

I was dating my wife for nearly 3 years before we got married. Her son was 11 when we met. My wife was challenged greatly by her obligation to her son and her loyalty to me. Son several times would tell her "Him or ME". He would do this for selfish reasons, all during his teens. (If you want more explanation contact me directly). I have always treated his with kindness and respect. Now the son is 24, and calls me and introduces ma as "Dad".

So I truely advise you to see how your man and you son relate. He will be come your son's Dad. Make sure you son is cool with it. By the same method, your man must see that life with you, is not the two of you , but the three of you. Both adults should reflect the same dedication to the boy. If not, the teenager in him (down the road) will use it against you two to get what he wants.

A lengthy engagement may be a solution to test these relationships. Your man will need to modify his perception as well, again its 3 not 2. It is quite a challenge for a man who has never been married (as I was). Best wishes.

Edit- It not a contest of who loves whom more. It is about inclusion for both spouse and children. No on wants to compete for a parent/spouse's time or attention or be a "tag along".

Answer 3

I agree with the first two posters. I don't think you are more loving toward your son it's just a different type of love. My boyfriend has a seven year old daughter. She's great and wonderful and SHOULD be the center of his attention. He's also giving me what I want as far as emotional support and loving attention is concerned. I'd never compare the two because they are apples and oranges really. Anyone that can't recognize your kids always come first as long as you aren't neglecting the relationship in the process is being a bit selfish.

Answer 4

Oh yea, I've been there. When I remarried, my daughter was two. Of course, I had to put her first. I'm a firm believer that children come first in all things, to a certain degree. Your son is old enough now to be more independent and not rely on mommy so much. He doesn't need your complete attention and it's probably not good for him anyway. Kids need to learn how to entertain themselves, and how to care for themselves, depending on their age. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and a wonderful wife. How 'bout getting a baby sitter a few times a month and just spending time with your man alone? Lay on the couch with him, take a shower a with him, just sit outside on a nice day and talk, without allowing your six year old to interrupt or join in. Believe me, it will make all the difference to your man!

Answer 5

You should put your son first. This man that you love should not have a problem with that, if he is truly a father figure. A father doesn't compete with a son for affection from a wife and mother. I think you should tell him to grow up. Be a husband and Dad , and quite being jealous of a 6 year old.

Answer 6

sounds like your man is a bit immature, there is a mothers love and a lovers love, tell him that your son is very important to you, because you are his mother and he is your son, tell your partner he is also important to you in a lover/marriage way, and you have to mix both into your world, sometimes he will have to give you time with the boy and sometimes the boy will have to give you adult time with the man, I would make it a point to have adult time away from the bedroom with out the boy at least twice a month, maybe dinner and movie time,, etc..

blended families are a hard balance, some men might love your child but always hold a resentment for the father of the kid, esp one that isnt in the boys life,

Answer 7

why people always say that children come first? your partner should come first since he is the one you'll spend the rest of your life with. your children one day will leave you and do whatever they want with their lives. Not saying you shouldnt care about them but your relationship should always come first and this will give the kids an example of a strong marriage and a happy family. think about it.

Answer 8

well, its a prob with any spouse in the family, they generally feel that our attn has been taken away from them by the kids. the feeling is the same as how the siblings feel in b/w them.
so dont worry abt such small things. this feeling may fade away after some yrs when ur son grows up or ur partner gets used to it.

Answer 9

no longer legally. you are able to quite make a certificates your self, and additionally you are able to unquestionably invite acquaintances and kinfolk, and in keeping with hazard actually have a pastor or somebody circulate for the period of the vows. Renewing your vows could be an exceedingly touching, sacred journey. My spouse and that i renew our vows each and every 3 hundred and sixty 5 days upon our anniversary. our infants extremely get into it, too!

Answer 10

Sit down and ask him what you can do to show him how much you love him. Communication is key in any relationship; you both need to identify areas in which you can make changes. Find out what would make him more secure in your love for him. Good luck!

Answer 11

Your children will always come first. They come first in a normal marriage. He has to understand this if he's going to take on all this responsibility. You have to take a look inside yourself also and see if your not overly doing it with the kids.