How to get over insecurities from spouse?

Question

Spouse says he is not happy and leaving a 20 yr marriage and 3 onderful children. Says it is all him and I have done everything. Says I could do no more and anyone in his shoes should be happy. Says I am beautiful and all. In the last alomost 2 years I have lost 70 lbs to make myself more atractive to him. I am now smaller than I was in my Senior year of High School (pretty good for a 40 yr old) BUT he still says he is unhappy. He somes come to a clean house, laundry done, kids where they need to be, dinner, and I also take care of the bills/paperwork etc.
What more can be done?

Answer 1

It's not your fault at all. It's quite possible your husband is having a midlife crisis. You might try to talk him into marriage counseling, but if he refuses, all you can do is realize you're a wonderful woman and mother, and try to get some counseling for yourself and your children to help you all get through the situation.

Answer 2

Unfortunatly you are dealing with a man that seems to be inside of himself. Nothing anyone does will get through to him, he has to help himself. Perhaps you suggest counseling for him and the both of you. You have to determine whether he has always been unappreciative or if it has recently happened. Some people go through a mid life crisis and change of life. Whatever you do dont beat yourself up over it if he doesnt come back around because you are what every man wants and as a wife and mother and Im sure friend you have succeeded further in life than most. You will be rewarded and hopefully your husband will come to his senses but you cannot be responsible for everything.

Answer 3

Plenty can be done, but its not easy. You may not like it, but God is in the business of mending hearts and marriages. The bible says that God always blesses reconciliation. But that means we have to commit ourselves to Christ first. Then we have to pray for our husbands, ourselves and our families. And, we have to learn what it means to submit and to respect our husbands. At first, I thought this was a bunch of whoooie. But at 21 years I was faced with the same mess you are. So I thought I had nothing to lose and decided to "give those praying ladies a try". I joined a church and got involved in women's ministry. In the beginning I was putting my marriage and my husband on all the prayer chains/lists I could find. I have since learned that submission is awesome. Here's the analogy I was given: It's God ocean. My husband is Captain of the Ship (he makes a lot of important decisions and directs the family) but I get to run the ship! And the more I thought about that the more I realized how awesome that would be. The things that are important to me, like our home, our children, holidays, etc. are all under my direction.....because I have a Captain to sail the ship and a God to calm the sea...without both I wouldnt have time to be the kind of mom, wife, friend and person I truly want to be. I will pray for you. If you really want to save your marriage, ask God for direction. He has a plan for you.

Answer 4

I'm not sure since you didn't elaborate in your question his reason for leaving. He says it's all him, but what is it exactly that's driving him out? If he is that intent on leaving then there is nothing you can really do. He has checked out of the marriage and it seems you have done everything in your power to salvage it, at this point you have to just let him go and focus on yourself. Focus on your wonderful children and the things you do have, you are better off without someone who can't appreciate all that you have to offer. Don't feel sorry for yourself, feel sorry for him! It's pitiful that you gave him everything and he is still turning his back on his family. I know it's hard but keep your head up.

Answer 5

Sweetie, you can't make him stay and you shouldn't want him to. You should be ticked off at him for taking the easy way out when you've done everything to try to keep the marriage together. Honestly it sounds as if he's found someone else considering he is telling you that there's nothing more you can do to change his feelings. In his head he has already called it quits with your marriage. I feel the reason he is taking the demise of your marriage so well is because he already has something else in the works. He must actually think the grass is greener on the other side. I will tell you that you have spoiled this man. You have carried the responsibitlies and stress in this household and have allowed him to sit back and relax. You've given him this false security that life is just good no matter what he does. This perfect life you gave him only made him think there must be more. He would be quite shocked to see you react with anger rather than tears. Angry that he's filling your head with crap to keep your head focused away from the true problem. Little does your husband know that he will regret leaving his comfy home. He will learn quite quickly that not every woman will submit to him as you do. He will absolutely crap realizing that most of his paycheck will be sent directly to you for alimony and child support. He will lose half of his possessions to you. He will start to realize that he had it all and just walked away. But would you really want him back after causing such pain. After telling you that you have given him all you have to offer and it's not good enough for him. Get mad and demand to true reason behind this. Standup for yourself and your children. Tell him that you need someone who will love and appreciate you and your children. Make him realize that you will not be sitting around waiting for him to come back home. Tell him that you and your children will not be his second option, once he's gone he's gone for good. Don't feel sorry for yourself but defend yourself. Stay strong for the kids. Try to keep yourself busy that way your not tormenting yourself mentally. Because I fully understand that this hurts deeply. But time will heal this pain and open up great opportunities for you and your children. Don't beat yourself up over this as he is the one who has the problem, not you. By you standing up for yourself and telling him you won't be waiting for him to come back just might wake him up out of his fairy world. You will definately give him a few things to think about. Besides, you shouldn't be the one asking what more can be done as it seems you've done most everything. He should be asking himself that question. But as I stated earlier, in his mind he has already called it quits. He's already told himself theirs nothing more he can do. Stay strong and keep your head up as it will all work out for the best. Good Luck & God Bless!

Answer 6

Well, you can try therapy. But that will only work if he is a willing participant. We cannot control other people's emotions. If he wants to leave, you cannot change that. The only thing you can do is decide how you will deal with it. You can choose to go the depression-y, 'what's wrong with me' route-which I really hope you don't do. OR- you can choose to say 'HIS loss.' And go out in the world and find someone that will love and appreciate you for you.
To me-it sounds like he is making a mistake. But, you can and will find someone better. Best of luck.

Answer 7

Nothing more can be done. He wants out of the marriage. Sometimes people will say all kinds of nice things about the other person in an effort to reduce the pain that they are inflicting and to make themselves feel better, less guilty.

Answer 8

Have you tried marriage counseling? Clearly there is something going on with your husband (no, not necessarily an affair), that he can't or won't speak with you about. Usually an uninvolved third party can get a couple to verbalize what their feelings are and what to do to fix the marriage. Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

A clean house, laundry, dinner are not that important. Your health is though, good job on losing the weight! But, as for your relationship focus on him. Why is he unhappy? You talk about all these superficial things. What about intimacy and love? Marriage counselling.

Answer 10

Nothing more can be done. It's not you. He has a problem that perhaps a therapist can find. If he won't go you can't hold him if he's that unhappy. Both of you should talk to the children if he leaves and make it clear it's not their fault.