My 17 year old daughter is off to college........?

Question

and she wants to live in the dorm? We live 30 miles from the campus and I don't like the idea of her living on her own at 17. She has never been allowed to date, have a boyfriend, ride in cars with teenage drivers, etc. As her mother I understand that I have the right to make her live at home for the first year but she is so mad at me. I feel as though I would be throwing a rabbit to a pack of wolves. What are your thoughts on this?

Yes, I have sheltered my daughter and yes, probably too much but she isn't pregnant, never has been, isn't doing drugs, never has, never been hospitalized, never been a car accident, never been to jail or had the police called on her, not a prostitute or run away from home, isn't dating outside of her race and never would! I think I have done an outstanding job and will, too, get through this. I live with the motto hate me now love me later. My parents let me go and I never made it even to the thought process of college. Too many parents try to be their friend and not their parent and look at the world today. My daughter will be a contributer not a nuisance. This isn't about my parenting skills it's about a 17 year old and their ability to make a life decision.

To all who have answered, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have decided that it is time to let go and she will be living in the dorm. Mostly because it is more or less required as I have found out fromthe campus tour but a little because it is time to let her spread her wings and hopefully soar. Of course, we had the chat about dating, drugs and alcohol as we have had so many times before and she says she understands. I told her she was welcome to come home anytime unless she was pregnant and then she was on her own. Fortunately, she has a 5 year old sister and how to get one of her own. She doesn't want one. Again, thanks! I'm letting go for the first time in her life and I think I actually feel good!

Answer 1

I'm afraid you've failed to prepare her for life. She needs to have experienced all those things you mention while she was still close to you, so she could share her experiences and ask you for advice, help, comments while you were still around.

I think you're doing her a disservice in not letting her go live in a dorm. She's not technically 'on her own' at that point. There are Resident Advisors who get to know the kids and who enforce the rules. She'll make a lot of her friends in her first year, which will help her throughout the rest of her college years. It's very difficult to meet people when you're a commuter.

Many of the assignments and projects they'll do for classes will include group work. It will be difficult for her to have to commute from home to campus a couple times a day (students often have to meet in the evening or weekends or at odd times because they have different schedules), or she'll have a very long day with nowhere to truly relax and get her work done while waiting for group meetings or classes. Classes aren't always from 8-3 like they are in high school; sometimes when you're a freshman you get stuck with a 7 a.m. class and a 4:30pm class. It will be tiring and stressful for her.

Do your daughter a huge favor and start letting her have some freedom. Let her see what life is about and what she'll have to deal with.
We live only 15 miles from campus, but both our kids lived in the dorm, then close to campus, and I truly feel that was the best experience for them.

As for your additional details, I was a pretty liberal parent, although we set some moral, legal and social standards for our kids. Both of them lived in dorms, one becamse an RA, and then they both had apartments just off campus. Neither of them have ever been pregnant or impregnated anyone, been in jail, have a STD, have a jail record, been in an accident, etc, etc, etc, and they're now in their 20's.. Being in a semi-controlled environment, not that far from you, would be a good growth step for your daughter. You've taught her how she's supposed to act and she's stayed out of trouble. Now it's time for her to see what real life is all about. and put all your teachings into practice.

Answer 2

I personally think that she should live on campus, and this is from my own experience.

I lived the first year off campus, and lived about 25 miles away. The first problem I ran into was the drive everyday was tiresome. My first semester I had an 8:00 am class and it was hard for me to get up and go everyday. I had two days a week where I had a 3 hour break. Being an off-campus student I did not know how things worked on campus, thus I never went to the cafeteria, etc. I found that I went to Dunkin' Donuts a lot to study and eat.

In addition to the time, I also would believe that there is MORE of an opportunity for your daughter to get into a car accident. If she drives 60 miles a day, as opposed to 0 miles, she increases her risk of an accident.

I also found that I was quite lonely. I missed out on making a ton of new friends and having a ton of great experiences. After the first year I moved onto campus and was much happier.

As a compromise, you may see if it is possible that after the first semester your daughter could move onto campus. A lot of campuses will allow this, since they get transfer students throughout the year. Another option is that your daughter could move onto campus and if her grades falter, then she can move back home.

I want to also say one thing. As a parent you can only do so much, and it looks as if you have tried to instil your vaules and morals to your daughter. If you are so positive that you have done a great job with her, then when she goes to college she will be the same. My parents weren't overly protective, but they did instil the important values in me at a young age and I kept true to them throughout college. I was very confidant with myself and what I wanted and I never let peer pressure get the better of me!

Regardless, the best of luck to you in your situation.

Answer 3

She needs to experience college for herself and make her own decisions. If she doesn't like the dorm she can always move back home.

You can't have control over your daughter forever. If you have raised her well enough she will do just fine. It will not be putting a "rabbit in a pack of wolves" as you stated. She seems to be mature enough to realize her actions have consequences so she needs to be able to do things on her own.

Also 30 miles from college might not seem far away but when you consider traffic and parking (since she is a freshmen she will probably have really crappy parking) thus making the commute more of a hassle then anything.

Yes you have sheltered your daugher way too much. I'm 24 and I wasn't a "sheltered" child by any stretch of the imagination and yet I've turned out just fine. I didn't get knocked up by anyone in HS, I didn't do drugs, I didn't party. Letting your daughter have a "normal" life isn't going to screw her up.

Did you ever think that maybe she wants to get away from you being so overbearing and making all of her decisions for her? If she doesn't make any of her own decisions, she's going to be the type of person that gets walked all over. She won't be able to do anything for herself if you don't let her learn.

Think about this do you really want her as a 35 year old still mooching off of you? All because you didn't let her move out on her own and do things for herself?

Answer 4

I was 17 when I left home to attend university (an elite one, at that!).

My parents were strict with me. I didn't date during high school. I never drank. I never did drugs. I was a model student, and reasonably well-behaved (we do rebel at some point, the question in WHEN?)

My parents trusted in THEMSELVES to have spent the last 17 years raising me to be a good citizen. They let me go, and I moved 350 miles away (where I obviously had no choice but to live in a dorm).

I had to make choices for myself. I had to learn a lot about living on my own (like how to use fabric softener). Yes, I made some mistakes. But what would I have learned if I had never made them. I did date - a nice, church-going WHITE (gasp! that's not *my* race!) boy who studied literature found me one day.

You need to...

1. Let go. If you did your job right, your daughter will behave upstandingly and studiously.

2. Get your head out of your rectum about your phobia of interracial dating. Good character comes in all shapes, colors and creeds. If your daughter is a kind, open-minded person, she will have friends of all kinds, and she may even feel affection for them. Don't let your old-fashioned prejudices keep you from seeing the true worth of a good person.

3. Keep your doors open. If something goes wrong, she can still come home for help (30 miles is not that far to drive, even on a weeknight).

4. But give her space. There is NO reason you need to call her more than once a day. Not only will this smother her, it'll drive her ROOMMATE batty, as well.

Answer 5

So many people are used to the opposite (ie parents that let them do whatever whenever), but I think we need more parents like you. I don’t think it's necessary for you to defend your parenting techniques and explain the results thus far, some people will never understand strict parenting because all they have known is mostly the opposite during their adolescent life. I can relate because my parents were strict, not as strict as you, but still very disciplined. Unfortunately, I was a little rebellious.....I still did things I was not supposed to do. Now however, I have been in the military (another great "parent") and have educated myself. Basically, I turned out well BECAUSE of my parenting and military background.

I think the dating thing would have gotten to me a little, but its understandable. The only downside to being as strict as you are is sometimes this has a counter effect, meaning you "reverse psychology" your child into a deplorable person, but it sounds like this hasn’t happened to your child so far, so great!

The college dorms aren’t exactly the ideal place for a 17 year old I agree, but college today in general presents many obstacles to children on their way to adulthood. There are parties, sporting events, etc. which provide opportunities for lets say, not so upstanding behavior. Its instinct I think to want to protect your loved ones from harm and outside influence, but there does come a time when you have to let them go and hope you raised them right.

Ultimately, I agree that the first year she should stay home, it’s cheaper and better for your daughter. Eventually though, she is going to have to get out on her own and move forward with her life using the skills she has learned through you and other influences. I think she will turn out a fine, upstanding and productive citizen.

Answer 6

I am an 18-year-old high school senior, and I'm about to go off to college, so I know what your daughter is going through...my mom wants me to leave, however. Lol..I'm a little scared, but excited to be out on my own for the first time.

I think you are being overprotective of your daughter. It may seem difficult, but you have to allow her grow up some time, and living on campus the first year of college is very important. From my friends who have gone to college already have told me how truly vital it was to bond with people freshman year in the dorms, which can only be accomplished if you live there.

Trust your daughter. If she wants to go, she should. Again, you are only 30 miles away, so if there is ever real trouble, she can come to you.

She will rebel even more if you continue to treat her like a little girl. I know it sounds harsh, but you shouldn't try to shield her from everything. She';ll be ok, and she will appreciate it so much more if you trust her enough to let her go willingly.

What college is she attending, by the way?

K, good luck! :)

Answer 7

I am not a parent, so you may take this with a grain of salt. I am an only child, my mother was protective but didn't limit me to the degree you have your daughter (i.e. no dates, no riding with friends etc.) I grew up wonderfully with two BAs and a M.Ed. I believe that if you instill into your child good morals and values, no matter where they go or what they are doing, they will remember your teachings and not stray from it.
I truly think you should give your daughter a chance to experience life away from you. I have had friends who had parents like yourself and when they went away, they seemed to just break free..unsure of how to act without someone telling them the "rules". Now, don't let that scare you into definitely not letting her go, but as you said she is only 30 miles away, you could go to her at any time and she can come home if she feels she doesn't fit in. Let her try it for a quarter or semester, get her feet wet and allow her to experience a true collegiate experience with meeting new people and new lifestyles. If you have taught her well, she will not falter regardless of the influences.

Answer 8

I think you've been a little over protective and probably still are being. Did you bring up an intelligent, sensible young woman, or an irresponsible idiot who will run riot the moment she is out of your sight?

If you trust the work you have done as a parent preparing her for the outside world then there should be no problem. If however you haven't been sucessful in that, you could give yourself another year to see if you can make up some of the ground. However, is it worth your daughter's resentment? And she will only be 30 miles away if she has a problem.

Answer 9

Ask yourself--Is my daughter intelligent? Is she mature when making the decisions that I allow her to make? Is she respectful? Have I taught her right from wrong? Is she eager to learn? Does she have a good work ethic and did she do well in high school? Do you think she made good choices in the friends she chose in school? You answered yes to most of these questions then she is probably ready to go away to college. It is you who is not ready for her to go. She needs to become independent and make her own decisions so she can be a productive, active member of society. You need to let her grow up. If you are still worried be sure to go on a campus tour and talk to the student development office. Most schools have a parent orientation at the same time as the student orientation where you can get most of your questions answered.

Answer 10

A lot of teenagers have never done the things that you're worried about, but their parents trusted them to make good choices. (not to mention all of the teenagers who had one or more of those problems and yet turned into a solid well-functioning self-supporting adult) Your daughter may be "good" but if you haven't let her make any of those choices how good is she? You're afraid to let her live in the dorm because you know that you have raised her not to question you, rather than to think things through. And what's with the "not dating outside of her race" bit? She needs to grow up and you need to let her. However, she's not ready for the dorm, because she's never made a decision. You need to make a deal. She starts out living at home, and you start dropping restrictions, one by one (assuming that she stays on track). Next year or the year after, when she's proven that she is making decisions and making good ones, she moves into the dorm or some other on-campus living arrangement. And both of you need to figure out that most of the mistakes that people make are good for them. We learn through adversity.