what to do with my marriage?

Question

me and my hubby have been having marital problems, and we just recently started counsling and i dont think it is helping very much, it has a little bit, but we have more bad days than good days, anyone have any advice on what we could do to make it progress more, the reason we r in counsling is because we argue alot!!! just cant seem to see eye to eye about hardly anything, the only time we do get along is when we r about and about doing things, but when we r at home its just argueing, latley i have found my-self drinking beer not alot just 3 or 4 in the evening to help me relax. but i know that, that is not going to solve anything, but it does make me laid back and more easy going and it seams like the evenings go smoother when i drink a few beers. i know that in the long wrong that will cause more problems, so if anyone has any advice or words or wisdom they would like to share with me, please do.

we love each-other very much and want to make this work.

also i dont drink every night, maybe 2 or 3 nights out of the week, and like i said i am not getting drunk, its just a few to help me relax.

Answer 1

First, you are right, you are adding to your problem. If you keep your pace up, you'll be able to add a label to yourself (yep, you guessed it - alcoholic). It may make you mellow, but try just one beer in the evening. See if that takes the edge off enough.

I'm guessing that there is a root problem here. There is a large "pink elephant" in the room and everybody's yelling at each other to try and distract from noticing it. What's the elephant (real problem)? Deal with it, and you two should be able to relax more. Only you know what this elephant may be. It could be different philosophy about money, different philosophy on disciplining children, or just different philosophy (or religion). It could be guilt over some past offense. What ever IT is, get it out and deal with it and all will calm back down for you two.

Answer 2

I don't know if it'll help or not, but one thing we had to do for our premarital counseling was read the book The Five Love Languages. It's a real eye opener into the needs of our spouses and how we communicate "love" to them.

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

You might go to the website - there's a quiz you can take and if you want the option to purchase the book. Regardless, the website has some very helpful information.

I hope it helps you. I hate hearing about couples getting divorced -- and be careful with the beer, 3-4 now could easily turn in to more later and the problems still remain the same. Good luck. I hope things improve for you!

Edit: Just a tip when arguing - use "I" statement instead of "you" - for example, Instead of saying "You're not listening to me." say, "I feel as though you're not hearing what I'm saying." It doesn't sound as acusatory and is more likely to lead to a solution rather than an argument.

Answer 3

What are the problems in your marriage and when did they start? How long have you been married? There are many reasons why a marriage can start to fall apart, infidelity, financial, children, family influence, drug or alcohol abuse, mental/emotional/physical abuse. You need to open up the lines of communication with your partner, it doesn't end at the counselors office. Go out of your way every day to do something nice for your spouse, whether it is as simple as putting a note in his lunchbox to just say you are thinking about him, making his/her favorite meal (do it by candlelight) with a bottle of wine and music or an acknowledgment of something they did for you. Make a comment on how great he/she looks.....in that color shirt. Without knowing what troubles your marriage has, it is a bit difficult. Good luck to you. Oh, I don't see a problem if you are only having one or two beers every day to relax you, however, if it moves beyond that there could be more problems on the horizon in the future.

Answer 4

If you are arguing about things that in the long run really don't matter, then chose not to argue about it. We think if someone doesn't agree with us that they are saying they don't like us which is untrue. Everyone has their own thoughts and opinions. If you guys are arguing about which football team is the best or other things like that, ask yourself, does it really make any difference in the long wrong?

Also, it's how you argue. No name calling - no saying things like, boy that was a dumb thought, or, you sure are stupid, as that is what will kill your marriage more than anything.

It takes two to argue. If one of you can step back, quit taking everything personal (see first paragraph) and then accept the fact that you will not always think the same, the arguing should stop. Treat him with respect and he will treat you in a loving manner. Men need to know they are respected. If you can disagree with him in a respectful manner, i.e., "I see your point, but I don't agree. That does'nt mean I think you are wrong for feeling that way/thinking that way, it just means we think/feel differently." Then he will respond in a loving manner.

Anger begats anger. Attacking someone begats defensiveness. Try to argue without the "you" word and get rid of words like "never" and "always".

Be the first to make a change. You've already discovered that the way things are now and how you are handling them are not working - so try something new.

Good luck.

Answer 5

There are a couple of things you can ask yourself.
1. Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?
2. What is it I really want? My answer would be to always see a smile on my hubbys face. You have to dig a lot deeper than you are to find the right answers for you. Drinking is not the answer, you are avoiding the hard work it takes to make a marriage better. Get off the beer and answer these questions. Bet you well be able to start the ball rolling in the right direction if you do. Good luck....

Answer 6

Maybe you have the wrong counselor, try God. My husband and I have been married for almost 12 yrs. now, but in the beginning, I wasn't sure it was going to be a happily ever after. There really isn't a happily ever after at least not until we are with God, but with His help, there can definitely be happy! We started going to church and dedicated our lives to God and everything else just falls in to place. If we take care of our spiritual, He will help take care of the physical. You two are together for a reason. Believe me, I know from experience that drinking, no matter how much or how little, will only cause more trouble. It is just a way to avoid things for a moment. My father in law gave us a plaque one year that is titled, "Marriage takes Three". This is so true. I really hope you can work it out-sounds like you really do love each other. Like I said, try God. I'm not saying trouble won't come, but with His help it won't be too difficult to overcome.

Answer 7

Please don't let him drive you to drink, it will give you more problems. Some new marriages have trouble getting along at least he goes to councelling, usually men don't won't to. So he must still care about you and the marriage. Try to ask him if you can "call a trouse" for 1 or 2 days or the weekend, and you won't talk about anything that you or him are annoyed about. Have the weekend out with each other doing things you both like. If you can do it for 2 days maybe you can keep it going on longer and longer eventually.

Answer 8

A few beers never hurts as long as you know when to stop. Ask yourself if your arguements are really worth having. I mean are they petty and foolish or do you two just enjoy butting heads all the time? Maybe you should find more things to do together cuz that`s when your best times are. Join a bowling league or something fun.

Answer 9

It's good you are in couselling. My wife and I are going as well. Give it time. Arguments happen. Being kind and having goodwill b/t both of you is important. Talk to each other and be empathetic. Also, I would lay off the drinking for right now, especially if you are NEEDING it to get through your problems.

Answer 10

oh lord.....stop drinking.....this will only cause you to become an alcoholic, and this will only add to the problem and ruin you life. you need to give more time in counseling, things didn't get bad over night and they are not going to get better over night. When ever you feel things are starting to go bad....remove yourself, and instead of thinking of how to say something to get back at him or what ever.......don't say anything....you can say when it start getting heated.....NO, I don't want to go there, lets not do this. Both of you have to work at this. another idea would be ...... when you feel it is getting bad.....oh no.....and run over and hug your husband.....in other words.....choose a positive over the negative.
I wish you and your husband lots of luck....at least you are seeking counseling....just give it some time.