My partner's ex is trying to hurt his relationship with his children, what support or advice can I give him?

Question

My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship, aged 14 and 7. His ex-girlfriend cheated on him, and left a couple of years ago, taking the kids and moving straight in with another man. Despite this, things had seemed to be going relatively well since, my partner meets his financial obligations towards the children, and also looks after them 2 or 3 days each week. The issue has been that his ex seems to be extremely jealous of the good relationship he has with his kids, and has increasingly tried to cause problems between them. She frequently tries to cause arguments, or say hurtful things to the children like that their dad is trying to steal them away from her, that he doesn't really love them, that he will forget about them etc. My partner and the kids feel very upset whenever she does these things, is there anything we can do to help the situation?

Answer 1

When I was young my parents were divorced, my dad always tried to say bad things to us children about our mom. The thing was that we knew that our mom was a wonderful person, we could never understand why he would say the things that he did.

My point is this tell him to continue to be the father that he has always been to them, they already know that he is a terrific father and that he loves them. She will not break that bond and she will only serve to make her self look bad in the process.

I am speaking from personal experiance here. I was like 7 years old when my parents were divorced, and both of my brothers were older than me. We always loved our mom and nothing can change what a child already knows, belive me. They will grow up knowing already that she is full of it to the max. She will be the one who ends up looking like a total fool for showing her childish behavior.

My dad pretty much destroyed his relationship with us by his own anger, since as I said we knew how beautiful and sweet our mother was. It only served to make us love our mother even more. My dad used to slam his fist down on the table and yell some thing like "your mother this!" personally I only remember that part of what he said as I blocked the rest out. To this day I couldn't tell you what the rest was since I didn't listen to him, I could have cared less since I knew I loved my mom.

Any parent who talks badly about the other parent will eventually loose the children since the children will end up not wanting to be around that parent.

So, speaking as some one who has been there and done that, tell your boyfriend to continue to be a the dad that he has always has been. Love his children, never talk bad about their mother to them or even around them, since they love her as well. Always speak well of their mother to and with them, even when you think that your children are not listening do not speak bad of her. After all children love both parents and they should be encouraged to do so. When a parent speaks badly of the other parent it only makes them look foolish and hateful.

People tend to forget just how smart children are, they often give them so very little credit as to just how smart they really are. It is most likely going to have the opposite effect on the children, they will end up hating her for the way she spoke of him. He just needs to continue to be a good father and do all the right things with and to them. Believe me they will get it all on their own. My brothers and I sure did.

One other thing, if you can prove what she is doing he should try to get full custody of his children. She really shouldn't be allowed to be around the children and say such things to them they deserve so much better than that. They have a right to love both of their parents, with our feeling like it's wrong to do so. They will love their dad no matter what, that will never stop them from loving him. But they do deserve better from her.

God Bless all of you, I will keep you in my prayers. His children will always love him, no matter what. Take care.

Answer 2

1. He should tell his ex that it is not fair to the children to confuse them like that and that all she is going to do is end up pushing the children further away from her.
2. They should make a pact not to say anything negative about each other to the kids.
3. He should reassure the kids that he loves them and he will always be there for them and to just ignore it if their mom says those things. (He should try to avoid saying anything bad about their mother even though she is being evil.) In the end the kids will gain so much respect for their father.

She is only hurting herself...if she continues this behavior she will certainly be the loser of the situation...she just doesn't realize it.

Answer 3

Well, first of all, there is no way you can change the actions of the childrens mother. These kids are old enough for their father to sit them down and explain to them, and make a promise that they have and always will be the most important things in his life. And he needs to tell them that often. And you as his partner, when you are alone with the children, need to tell the kids how much you enjoy having them around. Tell them how much their dad really loves them. Respect the time that they need to be alone with their dad.
In dealing with their mother, the only advice that I can give concerning her, is, killing her thoughts of jealousy with kindness. There mother is as equally important to the childrens life as their father and now you are. Always remember that. Show her that you respect that. Maybe, eventually, her bouts of jealousy will go away and she will learn to accept the relationship that you have with her "man" and her children.

Answer 4

It is obvious that the motehr is jealous of their relatiohship,because she does not have that type of relationship with them and is feeling threatened. Both of you need to remain kind and supportive and not say anything against the mother. If the children are seeing that ya'll are beign the loving ones, this will bow up in her face. He not you may end up having to tlak to her very nicely, and say I would appreciate it if you would stop telling the children all the things that you listed above. Just remain kind, loving and supportive....they kids will see it and will know the truth.

Answer 5

she should be held accountable for such remarks to the children, just as a man is. bad mouthing the parent just hurts children for several reasons

1) they are 1/2 of that parent too
2) they are made to feel they have to chose sides
3) they learn to treat people in that way
4) it depress's/makes them angry inside

as for the ex cheating on him years ago, thats a moot point. no one cares... all that matters is the children.

all he can say to help are things like 'thats not true, and i am sorry your mother is discussing adult issues with you, for she is not allowed to'. or call her and tell her not to put the children in the middle by saying such things.

also, i have personally seen on dozens of cases where the child hears this when the parent is on the phone, and repeats it to the parent they wish to get attention from. i've seen kids tell their fathers that their mother doesnt feed them (plump little kids) and the fathers were dumb enough to believe it!!

so, take what you hear with a grain of salt, for a lot of it may not be true or they may be just voicing how they perceive the situation, not what is being said.

also, if the child(ren) are saying these things to you/him, odds are, they are saying the same stuff to their mother about the father.

kids just do that.

tell her to watch her phone conversations around the children as well.

Answer 6

Let your boyfriend handle the situation with his children. You have neither a legal nor moral right in the situation. You can be kind to all parties and assist by not expressing your opinion.

Left to their own devices exs normally move on get involved in new relationships and loose interest in poisoning the minds of children. Not however as long as new partners like to stir in the unfolding drama. Back off you're not helping.

Answer 7

There are two things you can do. Keep reassuring the kids that what she says is untrue. The other alternative is to document, document and document. Record her talking, videotape, whatever discreetly though. Create a paper trail. With the paper trail and the kids testimonies it may put the kids in your partner's care. You may get custody of them. Call a lawyer.

Answer 8

All he has to do is continue being there for his children and show them he loves them. It's a shame that she would do that to her own children. The 14 year old is old enough that she will soon realize it is her mother that is the root of the problem.

Answer 9

About the only thing you can do is reassure the children of the real facts of the matter. It sounds like the mother needs counselling.

Answer 10

kids this age are able to see for themselves whats going on i know they are children but when they see dad being a constant presence in their lives loving them and being a good example they will know whats true and whats not my advice is for dad to just keep up the good work reassure the kids not with words but with deeds and to not bad-mouth the others and it will all work out with the children