Why is it when in a abusive relationship you adapt to think it is normal?

Question

I ask as I spent a while in one and did not see what was going on and how much I had changed. It was like I was brainwashed. I only see how wrong it was now I am away from it all. Anybody else had this? It makes me feel like I wasnt myself as I gradually accepted things as normal which obviously were not.

Answer 1

People in an abusive relationship don't want to believe the person they love could do something so horrible to them. Similarly, we don't want to acknowledge that we may have made a poor character judgement when picking our partner. Its the same as after breaking up with someone and still defending them and saying "they wern't that bad."

Like many situations, when you're too close to the situation it is difficult to see what is really happening. We think we know better than those around us who we think are passing judgement. When your friend asks "did he hit you/threaten you" etc and you respond "no, he loves me" we believe our friend is speaking out of jealousy toward you "perfect" relationship or trying to break you up, or whatever your excuse may be. We don't like to sit down and have that honest conversation with ourselves to find out if we're REALLY happy.

Answer 2

Congratulations in getting away. That took a lot of courage. You should be proud of yourself.

In answer to your question, I think it has a lot to do with you having low self esteem at the time. It is very hard to think you deserve better when you are being told by people all around you that you don't.

My thoughts are that if you go into a relationship with a loser thinking that you do not deserve better, then you are likely to think that you won't find a better guy. And you tend to make excuses to excuse all the bad things your partner does to you.

The good thing about the human mind is if you give yourself a chance you will find the answer to all your problems.

A really good book to read on survival is called "A Piece Of Cake" by Cupcake Brown. It can be ordered online at:

www.cupcakebrown.com

Even though I never endured what this lady did, I could relate to her desire to create a better life for herself.

Once again Congratulations on getting out of that abusive relationship.

Answer 3

i think it happens because its an accumulation of things that ultimately leads to it being an abusive relationship. it starts off with small things now and then, then its a little bit more, and more. A little more often, and it builds slowly. coupled with this abusive partners often wear away their spouses sense of self worth, these two factors together are a very manipulating mix, when you are in the middle of this its difficult to be objective, until one day it all becomes too much, and as you point out, it isnt until you step back and see the whole picture in one go that you see it all for what it was. None of this happened because of you, it was an insecure, over compensating individual who had to make you feel bad and control you in order to feel good about themselves, you can see that this is not normal, Well done you, you have come through this, they are probably still the same!

Answer 4

What you're experiencing is a variation of what is termed Stockholm Syndrome (battered person syndrome), which is is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage can show signs of having feelings of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed. Two possible reasons why people in domestic violence or emotional abuse issues do this are: a) the abused one develops an emotional attachment to the nearest powerful adult in order to maximize the probability that this adult will enable - at the very least - their survival, and; b) it may evolve form the human evolutionary instinct to protect themselves from any possible distress- even to the point of creating invisible loyalties that are harmful but than can be denied openly to oneself and others.

While in this state, people generally aren't aware of it, it's as if they're in a paper bag relationship and can't see out b/c of the smoke, while others can see in. Battered and abused women can sometimes have their will robbed to the point that they defend their abuser (i.e., won't allow their arrest) even if their survival is at stake. This is a fairly common condition and hard to break.

Answer 5

I have never been in a abusive relationship but I know plenty of women that have and the excuses are all the same. The reason why people "adapt" to this lifestyle is because that person has took your self worth and basically destroyed it. Leaving you feeling worthless and helpless and basically accepting that this is the life meant for you. As long as you can learn from that experience and grow from it you will never let anyone treat you like that again.

Answer 6

I hope you have moved out of that relationship. I spend a large time of my work dealing with domestci violence and these are the reason most women stay.
The women starts to think that if her husband doesn't want you no one will.
Also you start to get use to it and you start to believe every thing you do is wrong,
Also another big factor is that the woman often grow up watching their dads treat their mum badly so they come to expect that as normal.

Answer 7

It's called denial. You must have felt that you loved this person, so there couldn't be anything wrong with them. You must have wanted it to change deep down inside, but knowing there was nothing you could at the time... gave you the reason to adjust yourself. You're now at a point in life (hopefully) where you know you shouldn't have to change yourself for anyone. They need to love you for you and that's all there is to it.

Answer 8

I changed the rascal. I know he loves using bad words but I changed him slow. He is okay now. Sometimes he calles me bitc* but I give it to him back. Its painful but I have changed him and loved him for 10 years to want to throw it all away

Answer 9

It is because you get used to the situation and you don’t want to admit or realize that you are in this situation. This could also be because you refuse to let go of this relationship.

Answer 10

It is because from the time we were children that we say our mom's fix everything, so therefore, we as women want to fix ppl. We cannot fix ppl , so to speak, who do not want to be fixed. many ppl who are abusive, have witnessed it in their life as they were growing up, as well as being abused . The fixing is going to have to come from them, and they will have to seek pro help.