What do you think of this poem?

Question

Back, I rise to the whistle of escaping steam. Boiling droplets spray my hand as I pour and I curse, my preoccupation broken for a moment. Carrying the cup back to the couch, I stop at the window, the deserted street reflecting the way I feel. I sit and stare past the commericial, the smiling model an alien to me. Finally the phone is singing. I grab the receiver before it is through: No, I do not wish to renew my subscription and indeed, there is a need to cry.

It is read like a paragraph, so I presented it that way. Sorry you don't like the singing phone. I think it the best part.

There is a reason there is no adjectives and few metaphors. The reader must fill in his own blanks. This is a universal experience unique only to the reader, who alone can provide details through his own experience, recollection, imagination. Maybe this isn't clear. Then again, maybe it is.

By the way, the singing phone is a metaphor. You'll all be sorry when I publish my first volume of poetry and the world is amazed at my genius, lol.

Answer 1

I absolutely love it. I think it's very well written. I like how you've written it in kind of a nonchalant, off the cuff kind of way. Here is this person, calmly drinking his coffe (darn it, spilled some on my hand, ouch that hurts), absently looking out a the scenery from his window. Finally what he's been waiting for! Then the letdown and the idea that the person on the phone has said there's no need to cry but he feels that yes there is. I think it's very well written and I like it a lot. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Vicky

Answer 2

I'm no stranger to a paragraph poem.

That being said, filling in the blanks isn't an issue when there is a bit more to work with. I get the "preoccupation" especially with "Finally the phone is singing" and "there is a need to cry" though like a couple of the other answerers I find the use of "singing" odd and a bit out of place (even with ringtones being whatever you want).

Also, while I understand that reading poetry is unique to the reader (I am a fan of New Criticism), that doesn't absolve the writer from providing the imagery to try and crystallize the experience.

It's like you're trying to be a minimalist using a form that demands just about everything except minimalism. It's a paragraph poem which demands cohesion and explication... it's a paragraph. The words, sentences and ideas are inextricably linked.

This reader demands more!

PS I do get that there is an unresolved issue with the 'preoccupation', 'the deserted street reflecting the way I feel', 'staring past the commercial, the smiling model an alien to me', and 'there is a need to cry'. Classic symptoms of the lovelorn/lost. Still... there could be more.

Answer 3

Interesting, but it seems like you are trying to hard with the singing phone. You also need to put the lines in easier to read method. Reading it in a paragraph makes it fairly hard.

Answer 4

you have almost no adjectives. I have no picture in my head. Details! Details! Details! And your tea cup will appear more easily. I don't like it for the lack of details. Oh yeah, and phones don't sing unless its that type of ringtone. if it is, please include it.

Answer 5

interesting. But take it out of paragraph form