Question about my teenage son?

Question

Hi,
I am a mother of a teenage son (17) and also 3 younger children. I was not eavesdropping at all, it was simply dumb luck that I happened to be at the pharmacy when I overheard my son's girlfriend (also 17) pick up birth control pills (I know because she said the name of the drug, Othro). I was concerned b/c I do not approve of fornication. I confronted my son about it and he denied that he was sexually active but I could tell by his body language that he could be lieing. I called up his g/f's mother (we are great friends, a very good family) and asked her. She told me point blank that she knew my son and her daughter had been sexually active for about 3 months and seemed surprised that I didn't know.

I don't know what to do. I do not feel comfortable with my son having sex, even tho I understand the biological urges, I am against it morally. Anything I can do from those who have been in similar situactions?

Answer 1

Be happy that they are using contraception. He is 17. It is time to start letting go. As he is 17 he can start to make decisions for himself. You can either forbid from him having sex and he sneaks around behind your back and your relationship will never be as close, or permit him and know that your relationship with your son is strong enough to overcome adversities.

I am not saying that you need to allow them to have sleepovers or have sex in your home. Your home = your rules. Just tell your son that your personal beliefs mean that you do not agree with his decision to have sex before marriage; however, you are happy with his decision to use proper protection. Lay down the rule of no sex in your home, in respect to your home and your beliefs.

Don't push your son away by forbidding sex with his GF he obviously loves. You will regret it if you do. Forcing your beliefs onto your son will cause a rift between you two. 17 is a delicate age.

Answer 2

I haven't been in that situation but I think you deserve kudos for calling up the mother of the girl and asking her. Your son would never want to discuss this with you (that's understandable, it is a scary thing to bring up when it is fact already) but the good news is there is solid birth control in place. I'd feel uncomfortable, too, especially since you are against it morally. I'd have the same feelings but one thing that helps is if 1) you know the couple is safely having sex and 2) they are a couple, not just randomly dating and 3) you realize that you can impart your values to your kids but you can't predict the values the kids will choose and take to be their own.
Your son has a future, the families are knowledgeable about what is going on. There are some positive things in this situation that you can be thankful for! Try not to let your imagination dwell on this.

Answer 3

You should get a little relief knowing that his girl friend is taking precautions.You should suggest your son wears a condom as well. No I am not advocating teen sex just common sence.You may not agree with it but there is more than biological urges invovled as I am sure they have strong feeling towards each other emotionally. Confronting your son will cause wrong feelings and bad feelings.Try talking to him as a young adult and not as a fornicater commiting a sin against all that is holy.You may not feel the same as him but his thoughts and feelings are valid.Where is his father in all this? I was shocked when I found out that my son was having sex at 14 but all I could do is give him the info he needed if he was going to continue and give my personal thoughts on the matter and hope some of it sunk in.You can't stop your children from having sex with other people but if you give the proper info and a few alternatives in a non preaching way then the decision is theirs to make and they must live with the consequences of those actions.Calling your son names like a fornicater and telling him how sex is wrong and dirty in hopes of him stopping, will drive him away and perhaps will cause him to view sex that way instead of the wonderful bonus it is in a healthy loving relationship.Not to mention how good it feels.I applaud you in your efforts to stem teenage sexual activity but talk not preaching works best .and giving him a healthy attitude will go further than ridicule.From your letter it appears that you have some" issues"concerning sex yourself and maybe you could talk to someone about that.I don't know of anyone who enjoys talking about sex with their kids but if you don't do the talking..someone else will and it is your job as a parent to make sure they get the right info weather you agree to his actions or not.

Answer 4

At 17, you certainly don't want to risk alienating him. 18 will come soon enough and then you have no say. If you've been too pushy, you'll have no son either. Let him know you feel the need to talk with him and make sure he knows how you feel; but, respect him for being a young man and encourage him to go about it safely, if not abstaining. This is the first lesson among many you'll have to learn about parenting older children...his decisions are his and not yours. Just let him know you love him even though you won't always agree with him. If you don't learn this early, you may talk yourself out of a relationship with your son, and later your son and his wife, and then your son and his family (your grandchildren). Realistically speaking, you would be hard pressed to find a 17 year old male virgin these days.

Answer 5

Perhaps, you should sit down with him and tell him the reasons why you don't agree with fornication at a young age. Be specific and informative but not demanding and irritated. Then I'd tell him that you know that he has been sexually active and his denial about it to your face, was actually worse than the deed itself.
I'd be more concerned about the trust and lying issue, more than the sexual activity (they are at least using protection). It sounds to me that you don't have much of a trustworthy relationship with your son and he would rather lie than listen to your ranting and raving. The sooner you fix the relationship the better off the entire family will be..
You can't stop it altogether but you can at least have him see your side of it.. If you give him enough reasons and have him see your concern about his future, he may do things differently. Life has lessons and you as a parent, can't prevent them from learning the hard way.

Answer 6

Try discussing the importance of the 'courtship' before having a physical relationship. Teens should be going out and having fun, seeing movies, having friends over, etc. etc. Everyone (young and old) should remember that there is a great value in putting sex off for awhile, and enjoying the courtship - which is invaluable in establishing trust, respect, friendship, and ultimately love between two people before they take the next step into a physical relationship. I think there would be a lot more happier couples, both young and old, if we could do that again. I know....I'm prehistoric.

Answer 7

I understand your frusteration but times have changed and he's 17! Have you guys discussed the idea of sex ever before? Have you given him "the talk" and told him how you feel about premarrital sex? It is important that parents talk to their kids about sex and other impending pressures in their lives like drugs and alcohal. It is important that you are comfortable and not judgemental on the subject and that you speak openly about it especially with your younger children. With all the peer pressure and "biological urges"- kids are starting to experiment younger and younger. Alot of girls I mentor have lost their virginity by age 13.
So instead of being angry with him, talk to him and be accepting of his decision. It is over and done with now and maybe this is your time to focus on the other children in the house making sure they are educated on the subject. Talking about sex does not mean they are going to go out there and do it. It just makes you a better mom letting them know they can come to you with even the most private things.

Answer 8

I disagree with the person that just said get over it. He is your son. I would limit their time alone together. Obviously the woman is allowing it in her house. They are left unsupervised. My daughter is sixteen and we know the parent of her boyfriend and they are never left in the house unsupervised, someone is checking on them. You want your son to get to college with out being a teen father. It is your responsibility. Besides no birth control is 100 % effective and who's to say the girl wont forget to take the pill or not take on purpose. If you dont want to put the supervision restraint on them than at least tell your son to where condoms because you are never fully protected unless you yourself is in control of the birth control. Better to be extra protected. Also birth control does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases. I would have a talk with him and hope he listens. Good luck.

Answer 9

i understand your concern but he is a teenager and will soon be 18 and this is too be expected. I think you should be glad you seen his gf picking up birthcontrol and not a pregnancy test. Your son is going to continue having sex so what you should do know is talk safe sex with him and encourage condoms.

Answer 10

Well. you can do one of two things...
Forbid him to ever see the girl again and risk his sneaking out and having sex anyway and possibly getting the girl pregnant because he may not be practicing safe sex.
Or you can emphasize that he know you are uncomfortable with him doing this, but since he most likely will he needs to be safe about it.
He already knows that you disapprove of it and he made his own decision.