Help with trust issues. Should I stay or go??

Question

Ok here is the skinny. I have been w/my husbnd 4 5yrs. We have been married for 3. I found out after we married that he cheated on his ex b4, during, and after they were married. Honesty is #1 w/me and we had several discutions about it when we 1st meet. He lied to his entire family about y they split. We separated for a while & r now back togethter. He tld me he would b honest w/me frm now on but we continue 2 fight & I caught him lieing again about the same thing! He sd that he only cheated bcause he thought she had and that it was after they were married(while we were seperated he went out w/another women & lied to me about it. kept telling me how much he loved and needed me then would hang up & call her I know bcause I checked the cell bill)he sd that he lied the 1st time about his ex & doesn't know y. My q is y do men lie and should I try to wrk things out? We have 2 daughters too. Thanks for your input.

Answer 1

It doesnt matter how old we get, we lie because we dont want to get into trouble. You make such an issue out of being honest and every little thing you expect total honesty....that is fair, but if you react badly when he tells you the truth, then it is human nature to lie....this is the reality.....his previous marriage has nothing to do with your marriage........if his cheating in the previous marriage was the reason you separated, then maybe your need for the truth about a previous relationship caused the separation....You are putting so much stress on him about what happened in a previous relationship.....why? Why do you have to get the nitty gritty about something you werent even involved in. That was the past, let it go....what happened between him and his ex wife is between them.......his cheating with his ex-wife has obviously created some trust issues......and it shouldnt, because like I said, that was then, this is now....dont allow his past to interfer with your future.....Ok, you were separated, he went out with another woman.....why would he tell you because he knows how you react. You have probably given him the third degree about everything.....all in the name of honesty.....I think when it gets to a point where you grill someone for the truth, then I would have to question who really has the problem......You are putting a lot of unnecessarry stress into your marriage, and putting your husband under a microscope.....I know I would feel uneasy if everything I did and said was under scrutiny....I couldnt live like that. If what he did in his previous marriage upsets you so much, then why did you marry him? He loves you, and you are putting him under stress to answer questions to your satisfaction. People cheat for a variety of reasons, and it is the very rare man/woman who will cheat just for the hell of it....they do it usually for a reason. Once a cheater. always a cheater is a myth.......a cliche made up by some woman who was married to an idiot.....that does not mean all men continue to cheat. Let it go, otherwise it will consume your mind......AND destroy your marriage. If he is cheating, then it will become clear as time goes by....but with the constant stress of him having to explain every single little detail to you, then you could very well push him into the arms of another woman. You either trust him or you dont.....dont base that trust on a previous relationship.....base that trust on how he treats you....Maybe the arguements would stop if you just chilled a little bit.....allow him to love you without him having to confront the ghosts of the past all the time.

Let the past stay where it is....no more questions about it....just get on with the job at hand, love him and allow him to love you without all the stress you are creating.....if the trust issue is too big, then you both need to go to a counsellor.

Take care.

Answer 2

First of all, you need to have a guard up on him. HE CHEATED!!!! HOWEVER, just because he cheated on his ex doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you! Trust me. I'm with someone now that told me he cheated on his ex girl. Their relationship was very different than what we have. He wasn't as close to her as he is to me and we've only been together 1 year. They were together for 6 years!!!!! Communication is important. If you don't have that or trust in one another, then it's not going to work. You keep catching him in lies. Don't you see? You're always going to wonder if he's lying about something. That will drive you absolutely insane and drive him away b/c he will never feel like you can fully trust him, as you shouldn't!!!! He's a liar and a cheater. I'd cool it for a while and hopefully, he can be a man, stand up, and take responsibility for his family that he already has!

Answer 3

The best predictor of how people are going to behave is their past behavior. You married a man with a history of lying and cheating. What makes you believe that he wants to change or is capable of changing?

Clue to his entire character: "He sd that he only cheated bcause he thought she had and that it was after they were married". Hello, is this how mature people behave in their relationships? "Oh, I thought she did something that hurt me, so I just went out and hurt her back!"

Wouldn't a mature man of character have been more inclined, if he believed his wife had cheated on him, to either suggest counseling for both of them if they thought the marriage was worth saving, or suggest the acknowledge the obvious and seek a legal separation and divorce?

I think you already know the answer to what you're going to have to deal with if you stay with this man. The question is do you want to stay with a known liar and cheater who will continue to lie and cheat. If you want a man who will be honest with you and who you can trust, you need to find a man whose character is that of an honest man. Trying to re-engineer a known liar and cheat is a waste of effort.

And some advice when you go looking for another mate: spend some time getting to know him before you take big steps to commitment. You say you didn't know until after you married him that he had cheated on his ex. That argues to me that in spite of your having married him, you really didn't know him very well. You don't want to make that same mistake again.

If you keep on doing what you're doing, you'll keep on getting what you're getting. You cannot change other people. The only person whose behavior you can assuredly change is your own. If you want to improve your chances of finding someone compatible with you, I would suggest that you go by yourself into counseling to find out why you've made the choices you have and what you can do to keep from making the bad ones over.

Good luck. There are good men out there, men who are trustworthy and do not lie-- I've been married to one for 29 years.

Answer 4

Once a liar and a cheat...You know the rest. Some men have the tendency to believe that what you don't know won't hurt you and all along you are knowing and hurting on the inside.

Are you willing to work things out with your husband? Do you think that marriage will once again have trust?

I'm pretty sure you will again catch your husband in a lie.

Answer 5

Trust isn't something that can be fixed easily. By lying to you and you accepting it.. you are setting your daughters up to approve of lying in their relationships. Your daughters will see your relationship with your husband and will wind up falling in to the same pattern. You have to realize the example you are setting for your children and realize that this isn't a good situation for them. If he lied to you before and lied to you again after saying he isn't going to lie.. he isn't going to stop. Some people just can not tell the truth even over the stupidest issues. If I were you, I would leave and keep as much space between him and yourself as possible. Show your daughters that you can have happiness by yourself but to never settle for the kind of relationship that you have now.

Answer 6

All men are not liers you just happened to be married to one who is. he obviously is forming a pattern. You have to look out for your girls. YOU can't trust him, in this day and age it isn't safe to have a bed hopping spouse. For the sake of your girls keep you own health in mind. You should remain partners and work together to raise your kids and leave this issue out of that but Divorce is probably the best solution. He will continue to apologize if you continue to forgive him but he isn't likely to change as long as a tearful apology will continue to buy him one more fling. He might learn his lesson for another relationship down the road and he can be a loving father for your children but he isn't ready to be a committed husband to you. trust is the foundation to a good marriage and he has crumbled it.

Answer 7

He did some thing very undesirable to make you no longer have faith him. If he did that in the back of your back, he's feeling that he desires to cover some thing from you! i've got had a boyfriend like this too! in case you dont have have faith for him , then that's going to on no account paintings, especally international huge for the reason which you cant save chatting with him , or call him whenever you experience like it! end it till now you get harm too undesirable! using fact if he's partying , and being with different ladies, 0.5 bare, and he on no account invited you to do those issues with him,then he's a few variety of participant that desires to look single and desires to return abode to you whilst no person else is familiar with! I even have been interior a similar suitable spot you're at suitable now. the subsequent 4 years is going to be problematical. no longer purely with him, yet you need to stay concentrated on college. no longer on him! you need to pass to school, have relaxing, and have the time of your life. Your university years are the years which you will remember for something of youfe life, so dont cover out on your dorm room hiding from different extra appropriate issues. in case you long undergone alot on your dating, and you dont have faith eachother, then its time to go directly to extra appropriate issues for your self! whilst he's long gone, the have faith subjects will only grow to be extra. Becaues they your going to think of " what's he doing this nighttime, is he partying, is he hooking up with different ladies ect..." its so demanding and hard to be thinking approximately that consistently!

Answer 8

ok if i was you i would leave and you say you have 2 daughters the fighting wont help them and if you walk out on him your ganna find someone alot better that will treat you right dont take this stand strong for yourself you know your husband better than us do what you feel is right but if your not happy and dont trust him leave him and your daughters will understand when there older good luck hope it works out for you

Answer 9

Heck no!!! It seems like he lie a lil bit too much for me and you. its bout time 2 break it off!!

Answer 10

Once a cheater always a cheater!!! Stick to your guns you know what he is all about.