My husband had an affair and...?

Question

We are trying to fix it, but my huge issue is he insists on maintaining friendships with the people who knew what he was doing to me. I have a HUGE problem with that. I understand that most people do not like to get involved with this crap and tell the 'injured spouse' what her husband is doing to her behind her back and I dont even hate them for that. But I do not support my husband maintaining friendships with these people. Mainly cuz they played an awful trick on me to save my husbands *** and humilitated me. Thats a long story. I dont understand that if my husband has claimed to have changed so much, why he would even want to maintain friendships with the same people who supported his affair and covered for him. Am i being irrational for demanding that he give those people up? I do realize those people didnt cheat on me, but they supported it and covered for him and then theres the issue of the trick they played on me. Too long to explain, but it was humiliating.

Answer 1

I would think if he truly realizes how wrong he was, and he's truly sorry, he would do whatever you asked to make things right between you. I feel he should be so thankful that you took him back that he would do anything you asked to help you trust him and get over this. Hmmmmmmmmm

Answer 2

I'm with you, why the need to maintain contact with them. The fact that they humiliated you, should be enough for him to not want to be friends with them ever again, that is if he truly is sorry for what he did. Maybe he is using them to communicate with the person he had the affair with.

This may sounds harsh, but his apology may not be sincere. I would seriously consider given him an ultimatum, if your marriage is worth to him and most importantly your happiness. Since YOU are the only affected party in here, he should adhere to your wishes and cut all sort of communication, friendship with them.

Otherwise you are never going to be happy or feel secure about your relationship. Also consider couples therapy, if you go to church maybe talk to a counselor there.

Answer 3

I understand how you feel. But you cannot force your husband to discontinue his friendship with his friends whether you like it or not. His friends were loyal to your husband not telling on him. From your point of view, you may dislike, even hate the ones who helped your husband get away with affair, but for your husband's friends, that was the best thing to do at that time. If it was mutual friend, than that's a different story. Do not blame things on his friends and be cool with it now that you've decided to take your husband back. He is not a child, you cannot tell him who to be friends with. He will maintain his friendship with his friends as long as he is in need. Let it go...that is the best thing you can do at this point.

Answer 4

i would be very upset if he were still with the same friends who covered for him, and it is humiliating to u, if he were serious about wanting to reconcile he should be more than happy to honor any conditions u choose, as u are the injured party. these people showed u total disrespect and i can't blame u for feeling as u do. personally if he weren't willing to stop the same behavior that caused this, i wouldn't stay with him, he needs to be making amends, not hang out with the same people who helped cause the hurt. from now on whenever u see these friends it will bring back the hurt, so he should not be hanging out or doing the same things.

Answer 5

I think you need to give him time to change. You also must forgive him as well. You need to tell these people how you feel and tell them that they betrayed you. If you don't like them you don't need to socialize with them. Just make it clear exactly how you feel. And you will not tolerate any bull ****. I understand that you feel humiliated but you must get strong and look towards the future and being happier with your husband if you still love him. You can choose your friends. Good Luck!

Answer 6

I think he has no respect for you or your feelings . if he truly wanted his marriage to work with you he would be willing to give up his lying friends . when people become actively involved in helping to hurt another person then there not really good friends anyway . so give him a choice You or his Friends if he choices his Friends tell him to not let the door hit him in the A S S on the way out . simple as that .

Answer 7

yes you are asking for a lot to give up his friends, esp his guy friends. If he cheated on you be harsh on him, cheat on him to. I believe he married you because he loves you. He should be humping you and only you everyday and night , physically and mentally, thats what love is all about. That prick is lying to you, he didnt change at all. Most anyone will lie in order to keep the peace just like your husband lying about changing.

Answer 8

I think you are right to feel this way. As long as your husband hangs around deceiving people, he too will be deceiving. I can see your point. He should be sensitive to this.

Although his friends did not want to get involved, they should have stopped being friends with your husband; because by them not saying anything at all, they became involved.

Answer 9

I totally agree with "Sadbuttrue", I felt the same way. One of them even told my wife that it was something she had to go through to see if it was what she wanted. Some advice from a friend & get this the friend is a lawyer.

Answer 10

Look, your husband was the one in a committed relationship with you NOT his friends. You decided to keep your hubby and what he did to you was by far worse than what his friends did. His friends were being friends to him. It may have been a betrayal in your eyes but friends stick with friends and although they could have chosen to stay out of it...they supported a friend and you can't make demands on your hubby concerning his friends. I'm sure they didnt make him dip his willy where he shouldn't have so I would just back off the friend thing and concentrate more on you and your hubbys relationship. I'm not sayin have them over for dinner but just leave them as your hubby's friend and you can choose to disassociate yourself with them.