I think my husband is being immature and selfish, what should I do?

Question

I'd first like to say that divorce isn't an option, so please don't throw that out there. We live on one income so I can stay at home. Going into this (I used to work), we knew we'd have to cut back and live with less, but it's not working out. Here's the situation. We want to buy a house in the next year. We have no savings. We do carry some credit card debt, a couple thousand. We live on the basics...no cell phones, no cable TV, no fancy clothes. He, spends $100 on cigarettes & beer a month, and if there's extra money, it's as though it hurts him to watch it sit unspent. I pay the bills each month and he isn't very "budget savy", but he is quick to check the ATM. If it says there's $$, he thinks there is and spends. (lots of overdraft fee's) A couple months back, I got a separate checking acct, so I didn't have to worry about him withdrawing, and when he found out I had a separate acct, he accused me of being sneaky. I'm going to add more..............

Anyway, a few months back he went out and bought a new (but used) truck. It needed new tires and the check engine light was on when he got it. It was a bad choice. And now I have to scrape for money for that too. I could go on, but baciscally, it's this. I realize he is earning the $$$, but it's ours. The kids and I go without, but he never does. I want to get ahead, he doesn't seem to care. Any thoughts on what to say to him? I've tried talking to him all different ways and he just doesn't care or get it. We are going to a "Good Sense" money program in a couple weeks, but he has a bad attitude about it. Please, I need some advice. I feel like I'm dealing with a 3 year old.

I stay home because we have two young children...4 and 1. We could make it on his salary, he isn't making peanuts. He just spends more money than we should.

Geez, guys, nevermind then. I guess it's solved. I work and he'll stop spending. Thanks. You guys sound just like him. He spends and somehow it's my fault. Nevermind the question. I was looking for advice not to be critisized.

Answer 1

excuse me people.. that is NOT good advice.. There is a dam good reason why she is home... Dam people.

This day and age you do need to incomes to support a family. When they decide one should stay home for the kids that’s fantastic. Very unselfish... best for the kids in the long run. We should be bowing down to you.

By doing that both partners need to go without. Sure he makes the money doesn’t mean its for him to spend just because its there. Its there for emergencies, extra clothing, food and so forth... And for some stupid reason he cant get that threw his thick skull.

He needs to control it period. He wanted this as much as you did. I can see why he does it. People he works with, buddies and so forth .. have this and that... while he’s feeling like a putts, because he cant afford it. Its like keeping up with the Jones. But in a different way. Peer pressure.. it never leaves...

Anyways.. he shouldn’t of flipped out about the checking account. How else are you suppose to make the books balance if he keeps taking out cash like that.... Just dont close it keep putting money in there you have too for you and the kids sake.
I really don’t know what else you can do for him to understand it. You have explained it the best way possible. He is being very selfish on the hole.

You know there are ways to make money from home using a computer.. the only problem is alot want money up front.. and even then afterwards you’re still not sure which one is good. There is a woman’s work at home site. Look on Google for it. Call and see what they say....

Answer 2

Sorry to hear that..I normally deal with paying the bills. Hubby normally asks me if he can spend a few dollars..I keep a tight grip on the money around here so everything gets paid on time..

Getting a second checking account without telling him looks shady...it looks like that you are looking to leave most woman or men do that to build up money for a rainy day so to speak..

My suggestion is to open a bank account that you can put money in for him to spend and that would be the only account that he can use to spend money..If at all possible because he is like that with money, try to be the one in charge of the bills so they get paid on time..

If you plan on purchasing a home you need to make sure bills are paid in order to get good credit..

therapy will help to go together see if a mediator can convince him that he is going down the wrong path..

btw, it is none of these peoples business why you do not work.. yes, there are two income households, but sometimes it is cheaper than daycare to have mom stay at home..Some people dont understand that..

no one really read the question..

Answer 3

Wow, it is a tough situation.
It looks like you need a seperate income and savings account. I work from home, there are jobs out there that will let you do so. Such as appt. setting, virtual assistant etc.
It may also help to go over a budget with him, let him pay the bills but you may have to look twice at the situation. Put off getting a house for a few years, save and work on the financial side of your relationship. He may feel to pressured.

Take Care and GOOD LUCK!!!!

Answer 4

I think you have two options, based on what you've described so far.
1. Get him more involved in paying the bills, let him see where the money goes, look at the statements, etc (Quicken is a great computer program for this, it allows you to see how you spend your money...i.e 4% on cigarettes, 8% on dining out)
2. Seperate bank accounts, and split the bills 50/50. That way, you don't have to worry about how he spends him money.

Answer 5

I agree. He is selfish and immature. Marriage is about joining together, becoming as one, living as one, etc. If he is out spending money, and you are trying to save, he has serious issues. I've been told that men handle their money like they do their emotions. It sounds as though he is using money to satisfy some type of need and obviously doesn't know how to handle it. Have you tried a budget and asked him to stick to it for just one month to see how it works? It's good you are going to this class. I certainly hope that helps him.

Answer 6

Get a job. Seriously - there's no reason for you not to! Most households these days are duel income. Then you can have a joint checking account for all your monthly bills.. ..and separate accounts for your spending allowances. Agree on an amount to put in each month, and the leftovers are yours!

Answer 7

Do you have kids. is that why you stay at home?
A second income would make a huge difference to you - it's too obvious to say.

Answer 8

Time to go back to work.

You have created such an unfair setup. What's yours is yours and what's his is yours too. Then you complain about his spending on himself. How unfair.

Find the selfish one. Look in the mirror.
Get off your butt and go get a job.

Answer 9

Why did you marry a baby? Men like him do not change.