The tears glistened in the moonlight infront of the grave. Soft words were mumbled from her red, plump lips as she stared at her brother's name on the grave.
"This is the only way to survive,
You and I,
We're always together,
Me and brothe of mine."
Benji recited softly, looking down as she started to cry more. A dozen roses were in her hands for it was Valentine's Day, an arm suddenly wrapping around her shoulders. Solly, her mate, was just as saddened by this, but didn't cry. He held her close, kissing her neck, whispering loving words to calm her down.
"I-I miss him..." Benji sniffled, her shoulders convulsing as she placed her tear stained face in the crook of Solly's shoulder.
2007-03-14 07:47:24 · 9 answers · asked by Elijah 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
My goodness - it seems to be a right of passage for all young kids to write about death and doom and gloom. ... Your writing isnt bad. It needs work. Your punctuation is slightly off. You could use a bit more imagry, but it is definitely a very decent, above average start. My best advice to you is to write as many short stories as you can. Find yourself a couple close friends to be Beta readers for you and show them to an English teacher and ask for mentoring help. Good luck. C.
2007-03-14 07:53:24 · answer #1 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Good, but could be better.
Her tears glistened in the moonlight beside the grave. She mumbled soft words from her red, plump lips as she stared at her brother's name on the grave.
"This is the only way to survive,
You and I,
We're always together,
Me and brother of mine."
Benji recited softly, looking down as she cried more. She clutched a dozen roses in her hands for it was Valentine's Day. An arm suddenly wrapped around her shoulders. Solly, her mate, though saddened by this, didn't cry. He held her close, kissing her neck, whispering loving words to calm her.
"I-I miss him..." Benji sniffled, her shoulders convulsing as she placed her tear stained face in the crook of Solly's shoulder.
I think her spoken word at the grave needs to be sharpened up, no passive verbs like "we're" and "is." But I don't understand what she meant.
2007-03-14 15:02:53 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
The situation or event is described nicely - I can picture being there...but there ought to be more character emphasis - what are they feeling? Why are they there in the first place? Why the 2 of them? What are they looking like? What do they see? What's important to them right then? What will this event lead them to?
2007-03-14 14:59:38 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's good but I'd like to read more. It's hard to really tell with such a small passage and, besides, you got me interested and I want to know why they're there, what happened before and what happens next. Good job! :)
2007-03-14 16:32:01 · answer #4 · answered by loofahcat2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Eh, it's okay. But it's not something you wouldn't find on some middle schooler's computer. That has no chance of being published, for instance.
2007-03-15 07:35:47 · answer #5 · answered by Dan A 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
A bit overdramatic. Attention must be paid to spelling.
2007-03-14 14:56:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
=(
I cried...either I'm too emotional, or I LOVE your writing!
I think it's awesome...you have that sad feel...=( (*WAH*)
I LOVE IT!
If you made it into a book, I would buy a zillion copies!
=(
=D
2007-03-14 14:55:05 · answer #7 · answered by LadyDragonRider 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it is but you have some misspellings
2007-03-14 14:57:20 · answer #8 · answered by Jodi Mae 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it was REALLY good!
2007-03-14 14:57:26 · answer #9 · answered by ♥jam06.26.10.♥ 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋