How do you deal with a 13 year daughter that is very rebellious & mean to her dad, it's causes him stress?

Question

My boyfriend has 4 kids, all are great, but his 13 year old daughter is very mean and rebellious. She yells at him all the time and follows him around until he finally gives in. He does this so she will leave him alone. He says she is more stress then his job and raising all the kids on his own combined. Their mother moved out of state and left him with the kids. He is a great father and had done a great job but he's at his wits end with his daugher and her behavior is affecting the way the younger ones are starting to treat him. She is pushing him to the point where I am afraid he may have health problems, he gets really red faced and I'm afraid he may have a heart attack. What advised can you all give to understand this rebellious daugher and what can he do to reduce this stressful time?

Answer 1

I went through this with my 15 y/o son. He was rebellious, flunking school, disrepectful, trashed my house, out with friends and didn't come home til late, etc. etc. He would harrass the daylights out of me until I caved in. I finally got so mentally stressed out, I asked my ex to take him and discipline him. So, he went there to live. My ex laid down the law - he gave him all his privileges (so as to take them away!) such as cell, internet, cable, skateboard, friends, money) and told my son what behavior was expected of him. One by one, the privileges got taken away. If my son harrassed to get them back, another one got taken away. My ex stood firm - he did not cave in. After son lost every privilege he had and once he knew he could not win with his behavior anymore, he finally started to make his turnaround. Now he is much more respectful and is passing his classes, doing chores for the first time in his life. It is a hard thing to do, but it is well worth it in the end. A counselor told me this, and its true: Once you lay down the rules, you must stick to them. If you lose even one battle, it is all over because they now know they can get the upper hand with their behavior. And don't let them place a guilt trip on you either. She has a good father and good home and is being well taken care of. A lot of great people came from households that were far worse than today's single parent families - it is just another thing they use to manipulate the parent.

Answer 2

Kids do what works. She wants her way and has found a way to get it. The only way to change things is to stop this little game from working.

1) Dad has got to emotionally remove himself from the situation. That is: don't get mad.
2) Dad has got to CALMLY say, "No." And make that the end of the subject.
3) Dad should not yell at her, and she should not yell at him. He is the dad and he is in charge. It is not okay for her to yell at him even ONCE, so he has got to start a no-tolerance policy on yelling. He needs to decide what the discipline should be and do it EVERY SINGLE TIME she yells. THis should be done calmly. She yells; he calmly says, "No computer for you tonight." She yells again, he says, "No tv for you tonight, dear." She yells again, he says "No dessert," or whatever. Since this seems to be a large, ongoing problem, I would TRY, if I were him, to just make the disciplines to be for THAT NIGHT, so she will have another chance the next day.

Dad does need to talk to daughter first, though, so she will know that things have changed. Don't just surprise her with this. Also, don't have this talk at a time of conflict. Don't be overly-critical. If the other kids OCCASIONALLY do this, then include them in this 'family meeting,' and explain the rules to EVERYONE: "We are going to have a happy family. I am responsible for seeing that we do. I love you kids SO MUCH that I really really want you to have the best memories possible of growing up. To this end, I have decided that I am going to [fill in blank with something nice, like playing board games twice each week with the kids, or maybe having a family fun night once/wk, or SOMETHING positive]. On your part you must remember to obey me and speak to me respectfully. If you forget and slip a little, you will lose a little privilege for the day. This is not to punish you, but to remind you that we REALLY want to have a happy home here."

Answer 3

TALK with her. Open the lines of communication. Do the two of you ever discuss her mother and why she left? If she has questions you can answer them honestly, but delicately. Let her know YOU are the parent. Set up clear and precise consequenses for bad behavior, and stick to it! When kids know the consequences in advance, they're more likely to think twice. But at the same time try to reward good behavior, kids remember rewards longer than punishments. I'm not suggesting bribes! Just small tokens of appreciation. But, she's a teen now....it's typical to rebel. Just keep talking to her.

Answer 4

I would think the daughter is resentfull of another female who is "usurping" her position of "lady of the house" at this point in time. Talk to your bf about this and suggest therapy for the 3 of you if this is a serious relationship. Also realize she may blame the father for losing her Mom, she needs help and so does Dad! Also investigate that nothing inappropriate has been going on with Dad and daughter leading to jealousy, I hate to bring it up but it's very prevalent, and plugging ears doesn't change facts! We all need to remain vigilant and attentive,no one is perfect and some are twisted and if no one talks about it, it continues! So, love all but keep eyes and ears open, you are new to this family and can't know their past or their ways yet. Good luck!

Answer 5

It is interesting that this causes him so much stress. If you observe the child, rather than reacting to the child, you can respond from strength rather than desperation.

For starters, when she follows him and badgers him, he needs to say - look, badgering is so abusive to other people than when you do it, I will automatically have to deny your request, even if I want to grant it. I can't allow you to grow into a demanding, abusive person.

If your husband can plan this out before she starts in on him, if he knows how he is going to react, then he will act from strength and power.

I'm sure this little girl is so hurt and wounded that her mother has abandonded her. How long have you been in her life? You are certainly legitimately viewed by her as a threat. Her dad doesn't really have room for a girlfriend in his life - he has four kids with no mother. Part of her rage is likely because he is failing her by having you in their lives.

Answer 6

Do something . Get some year plugs for 1 thing . Then for evrey mean thing she does , punish her and make her understand that she must obey and respect u and not the othr way around !!! Take her phone , or pc , or something !! Give her oake meal . ! Show her sisters that she keeps beeing rebelious she will be treated worse and will be punished ! And if she still keeps ancting like she does , just send her for adoption ( or make it seem like it ) ! contact me for something simpler , or just for advice ;)

Answer 7

Don't give in.....when you give in all you are doing is helpping yourself, not the child. And if she doesn't stop acting up start taking things one by one. i.e. phone, t.v., shoes, music,ect.
She will soon learn to behave. Oh, and when I say shoes I mean just leave her with the most ugly pair of shoes in her closet. That will get her thinking, maybe they are serious. But it won't work unless you stick with it.

Answer 8

kill the daughter.

nah i'm just kidding. This is a very hard q. I'd suggest therapy between the father and the daughter.

Answer 9

your boyfriend needs to get some backbone and tell her whats up....shes not goin to respect him until he lays down the law because right now shes walking all over him....if shes causing problems he needs to start taking priviledges away...trust me i know this will work because im 18 and when i got out of control this is what my partents did and it helped me alot

Answer 10

Spank her spoiled little butt!!!!!! She needs it. Hey I'm almost 15, and I got spanked growing up and I'm a good kid who listens to her parents.