How can I get out?

Question

I've been married to my wife for 14 years, have 3 wonderful preteen girls that I love to death. Wife and I are not working out - she has great resentment to me for some past serious trust issues (money mostly, no cheating) and now, while she's still a mostly good mom, she and I are not OK. I am the sole earner, I get the kids up and ready for school (she's sleeping and is seriously bad tempered when she wakes up). I go to work and in the evening, mostly end up cooking the dinner, laundry, cleaning etc., while she downs a couple of bottles of wine and, once again is seriously bad tempered and full of drunken logic in our conversations.

Anyway, from my perspective, its gotten past "staying together for the kids" to "staying together because I can't afford two residences". How can I make it work financially and amicably for everyone? I gotta remain a big part of my kids' life but I gotta get away from her?

Wow! I'm overwhelmed by how many interesting answers I got so quickly! Thxs to all!

Answer 1

leave and take the kids. tell her she needs to join AA then you can talk.......

Answer 2

It's obvious she's suffering from depression and alcoholism. You need to encourage her to get help right away. I think you should delay your decision to leave her just yet. You should be there for her when she needs you. Did you not marry her in sickness and in health? This is sickness, step up, be a man, and help her through it. There is no way this problem developed overnight, it wont be fixed overnight either. If you leave her now, your girls will be living with her or visiting her, that wont be healthy at all. Put your children and wife first. I know its a hard situation but its what you must do. You can seek help as well. If and when she gets help, you might not feel the same way and it might actually make your bond with her that much stronger. What if the roles were reversed and it was you that needed help. How would you feel if she abandoned you?
Put a time limit on the situation. (6 months to a year) Let her know that if she doesn't get help and you don't see some improvement that you're making plans to leave. This will allow her time to get help and allow you time to save some money to move out.

I've been in a similar situation. I know its hard but its time to be selfless and help her. In my situation, we're happier than ever.

A good analogy that helped me was this. Imagine there is a river between you both. She's stranded on one side, you on the other. The river is the depression and the alcoholism. Would you want to let her drown while crossing to get back to you? Or have her there to put your hand out and keep her from drowning.

I've always believed that marriage is the work of the soul. Don't ignore your work, grab it by the horns and deal with it. You will both be better people for it and it will benefit your girls in an amazing way to see how a couple can overcome.

I wish you well, whatever your decision you have a hard road ahead of you.

Answer 3

That is a big mess. I agree with what others have said, but two things to watch out for:

1. Teens do not do well when their parents divorce. Of all age groups of children, 12-18 year olds fare the worst if their parents split. If your kids are younger than this - get out now! If not, be prepared to get them some serious counseling.

2. Do not end up on the bad end of the child support issue!!! It will make your life a living hell. I am the wife of a man who had children from a previous marriage and his ex was able to make him miserable - all with the FREE help of the state! Talk to an experienced lawyer and seek out support groups for fathers!!!

Good luck!!! :)

Answer 4

You are in a tuff situation, hon. As my dad once said, "A divorce is a nice thing if you can afford it", and from your note, you appear to already be "cut off at the pass" so to speak.

Something about alcoholics---- they are already in a relationship, hon, it just isn't with you. That is true of any addiction... You will always be number 2 or 3 or 4 or how ever many your spouse finally acquires.....

Since divorce is out, you appear to have really only one choice.... get into therapy -- yourself alone if she won't go. At least you will learn how you can survive this. Maybe she will come too later, but don't count on it. (You have become the enabler, and as such, she will see no reason to change. So, sweetie, you need to find out a way you can survive, and remain with your children). And they do indeed need you as the stable parent in their lives. They will be looking to you as how to pattern their future.... Good luck, hon

Answer 5

Well do to the fact that you do all the work around the house and are the main bread winner, Maybe your wife could move out of the house and you could keep the house and the children. If you have custody of the children then she would have to pay you child support. When there is a will there is a way. Life is too short to be unhappy with a selfish person. You will find a way to make it work!!!!!

Answer 6

File for sole custody of your children. If you can prove she is not a good custodial parent, the drinking and bad temper seems like a good enough reason to me, but I'm not the court. The only way to make it work financially is to downgrade to smaller homes, cheaper cars, maybe have her get a job? I feel bad for you, but more so for the kids, this cant be a healthy living situation for them. Best of luck and call a lawyer to get legal advice.

Answer 7

So basically what you mean is how can you get away from your wife but also be a part of your' kids life?? You will have to do it by getting the full custody. You wouldn't actually think of leaving your kids up to the unemployed alcoholic and stay happy with a visitation on weekends, wouldn't you?

Answer 8

You can try and get her into treatment.

But, if that doesn't work you need to be prepared to file for divorce AND custody of your girls.

You need to immediately start keeping a journal of her drinking. It will be the only evidence you have against her in a custody battle. Seriously, each night write down what she had to drink, what time she went to bed/passed out, when she got up. You also need to write down the discussions you have regarding getting her into treatment and her reactions. It's not fun, but you need documentation that she is an unfit parent. Otherwise, it will be your word against her's and you will not win that battle and your girls will suffer.

Answer 9

If you are still in love with your wife, then why do you want to leave her? Maybe she’s really crying up for help instead of tolerating what she’s doing and just leaves her without warming. Why don’t you talk to her instead, and let her know that you are starting to feel like giving up. Ask her to help you help her…. If she still will not change then there’s nothing for you to do, but to go separate way. You will have better chances of getting custody of your kids because of her condition.

Answer 10

Staying together for the kids in a situation like this is counter-productive. Also, you are enabling her alcoholism.

She can get help, but she won't if there are no consequences for her actions. You derserve so much better than this. Don't wait until you look back with regret on time wasted.

Answer 11

You are living a life with a roommate not a wife. You need to face facts that getting out is going to cost you if that's what you are wanting to do. You either live the miserable life or pay to find your happiness. You have to make that choice whether the price is worth it or not - we can't!