My partner's ex is trying to hurt his relationship with his children, what support or advice can I give him?

Question

My fiance has two children from a previous relationship, aged 14 and 7. His ex-girlfriend cheated on him, and left a couple of years ago, taking the kids and moving straight in with another man. Despite this, things had seemed to be going relatively well since, my partner has always, and continues to meet his financial obligations towards the children, and also looks after them 2 or 3 days each week. The issue has been that his ex seems to be extremely jealous of the good relationship he has with his kids, and has increasingly tried to cause problems between them. She frequently tries to cause arguments, or say hurtful things to the children like that their dad is trying to steal them away from her, that he doesn't really love them, that once we are married he will forget about them etc. My partner and the kids feel very upset whenever she does these things, is there anything we can do to help the situation?

Answer 1

i think that if you and your boyfriend sit down with the kids and talk to them, that might help them to feel better. you don't have to go into all kinds of detail when you talk, just let them know:

you can tell them you see they are hurting.

you can let them know that sometimes people say hurtful things because THEY are hurting somehow... and they don't know a way to express themselves without being angry.

let the kids know it's not their fault.

let the kids know that YOU are both available to LISTEN to them anytime they have a problem, even if you can't solve the problem, you will always care.

let them know you'll never abandon them.

sometimes, a few simple statements makes a lot of difference, and could help these children feel a lot more secure.

i think the best way to handle the ex and her argumentative personality is to ignore it.... responding to her will only give her more "bait" to keep causing problems.

just my two cents...! take care, i know what it's like to deal with irrational people!

Answer 2

I can truly relate on both levels I was the kid and then I was the partner who had to contend with the kids. As a child my father did this to my mother. Caused a rift between my mother and brothers till they were grown. Then I was dating a man who went threw the same thing though circumstances were different the out come was the same.This is mental abuse to the kids and created walls around the children. They do not want to hurt there parents but the parents are hurting them. This is mental abuse. Normally I do not believe in calling CPS but in this case it may be necessary to the 7 year old boy or the 14 year old girl who will in turn make poor dissuasions about her life because she may feel less likely to go to her mom or dad with a prob. In search for love she may get pregnant or in search of friends she may end up on drugs. Stop the chain the only one mom was hurting is the kids. Some one has to step in ....

Answer 3

the 14 yo is old enough to tell the courts which parent they want to live with ,, it is called Custodial parent, it has nothing to do with Custody just sinply where the kid will spend most of their time,

but the 14 yo probably wont want to leave the 7 yo behind, all your Partner can do is try to cope with the situation and eventually the kids will see mommy is a wack job,

just listen to him when and if he bitches, but I wouldnt offer advice,, all that will do is put you in the middle,, do what all councelors say" how does that make you feel" " what would you do to change the situation"

his first priority always should be his kids,, while you are a outsider moving in, once married, there can become alot of resentment, esp if you have kids or want kids, because kids never like their step parent,

I am not a advocate for blended families, the outsider always ends up in the middle esp if you offer advice, The parents all come to defense of kids etc.., I call it mother grizzly bear syndrome, they act like a mother with cubs, when it comes to kids,

Answer 4

Well as you can understand her conduct is not healthy for anyone involved. I would hope there is a court order for visitation if not go get one cause things will get worse before they get better. Also with the court order or not do not get into it with her. If when he goes to see the kids she says no you can not have them call the police get a report made and go back to court. A police report is the only proof a judge will not dispute. The best advice you can get is to be supportive and love both him and the kids.

Answer 5

well you need to set down with the childeren and have a talk and let them know that you love them just as much as there dad and that you will never keep them apart and that they are welcome any time they want to come and that you will always be there and that you are not trying to take there moms place but you will be there for them if they ever need you and that you want them to be happy what ever you both do do not ever say any thing bad about there mom with them around because this will cause them to feel uncomfortable to be around you and it will push them away and you need to tell there mother that you dont say things about her infront of the childeren and you would like for her to have the same respect

Answer 6

My mother did the same thing to me when she and my father broke up.

What I suggest is to retain a lawyer and ask them to draw up papers showing duel guardianship of the children and that she is not speak of their father in a negative manner.

Plus the father could help by always letting his children know that he loves them and nothing will keep him from being their father.