Are his actions indicative of an abuser?

Question

If you were told the following things about an eighteen year old young man would you think he might be abusive?
He's controlling. He calls his girlfriend every hour they are not together. He calls her names like fat and lazy. He was kicked out of school for fighting at age 15.
He drinks beer and when they fight throws things and has hit her.
Is he abusive or just in need of some anger management? Will he eventually turn on his stepchildren?

Thanks for the responses and no, I didn't really need to ask the question. I just needed to give the young lady some perspective. She thinks I'm the only one who thinks he's actions are intolerable.

Answer 1

Wow, certainly sounds like he has some indicators in his behavior that would be/could be abusive.
The number one predictor of future behavior is past behavior, HOWEVER some people can change this when and if they want to change. We cannot change them.
He does sound manipulative, abusive (verbally, mentally, emotionally AND physically), controlling and jealous and it sounds as though he rages frequently.
I would think anger management would be a good idea, but again he has to want to change. He may need medications as well.
Abusers generally escalate their behaviors especially when they see that their behaviors intimidate others and get results. When no one stands up to him or sticks around and continues to accept the abuse, the abuser will eventually start targeting anyone whom he sees as "under his control". I would suggest she get away from this man, if not for herself, then for her children. They didn't get to choose this, but they are having to live with the repercussions whether or not they are being targeted yet.... They will be someday.
Good luck to you! : )

Answer 2

The answer to your question is two fold. Fisrt, his behavior is absolutely abusive. However, whether or not he is a classic abuser or whether he needs anger management or not is another question.

Men and women with anger issues get angy in multiple situations and environments. Everyone knows they are angry. True abusers almost never show anger outside the home. Persons with anger issues lose control and inflict damage on people or things. Abusers inflict damage on people, animals and/or things in order to gain/keep control.

This is important because an abuser will take an anger management class and then use the certificate to point the finger at the victim and say the problem is their. "See, I'v been to anger management classes. I lnow how to manage my anger. I know the steps to take. They are the problem."

Is he abusive? Yes. Is he an abuser? ??

Answer 3

This 18 year old is definitely abusive if he is throwing things and hitting his girlfriend, controlling and name calling. If something is not done, he will eventually turn on anyone who steps into his way. He needs help and it sounds like he may also have a problem with alcohol. The answer to your question is YES.

Answer 4

Definitely an abuser. If you have any influence over the girlfiend and her children (if these are the step- children you are refering to) you need to help her get away from this loser.

It will get worse, I have seen it before, and I know that you know all of this you are just looking for some support. Get this loser out of this young ladies life, before the controlling and anger and hitting turns into a killing of the young lady or her children.

Good luck, and I will say a prayer for all of you.

Answer 5

Yes, high indicators. It would help him if he did receive anger management. He may have had a tough life with uncaring adults to guide him but if untreated this form of anger could lead to self destruction, which sounds like he is doing a good job of. He is 18 with stepchildren,,,wow, that alone is tough. Talk with him if you can before he really blows and yes he can turn on anyone, especially those close to him. GL.

Answer 6

My opinion is he is an abuser. I would suggest to the girl to get out while the getting is good. If he wants to be with her I would set up anger management, but until he has proven he can control his rage, I wouldnt allow the drinking around me or the children. No woman needs to be hit ever. NO amount of love is worth being beaten.

Answer 7

If this is about you or one of your girlfriends I would locate a Women's shelter and set up a time to speak with one of the counselors there. (It's free). A lot of women don't leave because they have no where to go and no resources. It helps the abused woman to know what all her options are and if she still chooses to stay, the counselor will at minimum, set up a safety plan for her with steps to remove herself and her children from each situation that occurs as it is occurring.

The man does not have anger issues. If he is able to control his behavior in public and doesn't respond that way to his peers, co-workers, etc. . ., then he is choosing to be abusive and the reason he does it is because it is somehow working for him. If he can point out all your flaws and focus on them he will never have to admit to himself that he has character flaws and issues and should work on them. Alcoholics rarely come out of denial and blame others (especially those closet to them) and treat them like crap.

The best thing you can do is to make your friend aware of the resources that are available to her and her children should she decide she has enough and is ready to move on. It's easy to tell someone to leave but unless they have somewhere to go and some support to get through this time, they will rarely leave.

The worst thing you can do is tell her she must like being treated that way, that's why she stays. The abuser would love to isolate her from everyone so she has no support system at all and feels totally alone and of course, totally to blame for being treated abusively. Be there for her even if you don't agree with her decision to stay. And if it's you, apply this to yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 8

He is abusive. Noone has the right to throw things, hit someone or call them names. It is all abuse. It starts out small and next thing you know you are in the hospital or in the ground. There is a women from my town that got beat in the head so badly that she is in a coma and IF she wakes up she is going to be a vegetable. I think that who ever is getting abused needs to get out of the relationship and fast. I speak from experience. It never stops and it only gets worse. I got out as fast as I could. When the oppurtunity knocked I took it. If the person needs help getting out HELP THEM!!!!!

Answer 9

yes, that would be the actions of an abusive controlling person. he has anger problems now. and is in need of help but you cannot help him so don't even try. you need to leave him alone, get away from him. or if he is not your boyfriend tell your friend to leave this guy it is a no win situation. she does not deserve to be hit by anybody. and if he was any kind of a man he wouldn;t hit a women, he needs serious help and she cant help him.good luck

Answer 10

Yes, he is an abuser. Anger management may help, but he needs more counseling other than that. He unfortuntaley will turn his anger to whomever else is around whether children or adults. Both my father who was verbally abusive and an exboyfriend was verbally and (tried) to be physically abusive.