How do you deal with the feelings that come along with living with your In-Laws?

Question

My husband, child, & I live next door to my husbands parents. They want to visit everyday twice a day. We like to see them but not every day. My husband feels guilty when they call up to do something but he doesn't, so he visits them anyway. I need to know how to deal with my feeling when he can't spend one day with just his wife and child. With much upheaval I asked my husband if we could arrange just to visit 3 days a week, spending all day together & leave the other days for work + me and the child.That lasted 1 week (wonderful for me) but now things have gone back to the old way:( They are retired & able to take care of themselves. I want to take care of them when they are not able and would happily see them every day when that day comes- but would like to enjoy living like a family of 3 some days. The child complicates thing. I've made extra effort to visit with her but it's never enough! My feelings include saddness, anger, resentment, abandonment, frustration. Please Help!!!

Answer 1

You need to ask your husband which relationship is more important to him, the relationship with his wife and child (SHOULD be the most important) or the relationship with his parents. THEN, once he chooses, he needs to act accordingly and set HEALTHY parameters. As the man of the house, he needs to start acting like one. If he gets defensive and tells you he can't choose, then tell him he's choosing the parents because they are making you and your child miserable.

Answer 2

You made the first mistake by living next door. I'm not exactly clear on the child comlicates things. You've made extra efforts to visit with her but it's not enough, that's not clear. If they're coming over to see the child send or take the child next door for a couple of hours that will give you and your husband time alone. However you may suggest to them things that they may not see. Put it on them to suggest that you spend time as a family of 3 not 5. Question them for ideas that the 3 of you can do as a family. Say things like when you were raising your child(ren) what are some things that you did as a family. Have them think you want ideas of little family trips for the 3 of you. You also need to talk to your husband and have him talk to his parents about giving space. Just because the ring the door bell doesn't mean you have to open the door. It sounds mean but it gives you control back. You and your family need to just get in the car and take off when time allows. Go to the park or where ever gets you away from the. Tell your husband to stop calling and overly inviting his parents with you every where you go. You feeling sad, angry, resentment, abandoned and frustrated you need to talk to your husband. Perhaps if he is made aware of this as well as his parents they may work with you in allowing you personal family time with just your husband and child. I wish you the best with your situation.

Answer 3

First, I would sit down and write out why you are living so close and look at the benefits and then decide if these benefits are worthwhile. After doing this, speak with your husband about your thoughts and feelings - remember not to get defensive, but to present your views in a positive point.

Also, try making or creating activities that just involves your immediate family and make your plans know ahead of time. Create the opportunity for your in-laws to reconnect with their friends by talking to them about making contacts and so on.

No matter what, keep your views in a positive mode, for if you turn it into a "you against them" conversation, you will only create chaos and hurt feelings that you don't want (Though it would be nice once in a while where to tell some one to go for a couple days, yes?).

Your in-laws mean well, but most of the problem lies with your husband for not drawing the lines and creating some boundaries. Here is where you need to begin and make him a part of the discussion on how to change the situation - Remember as adults, as we were as youth growing up, our independence and time needed to our personal selves was very important - remind your husband of this and his needs to share the independence and growth you are looking for.

Answer 4

I feel your pain. My in-laws are never happy. They have isolated me and my older son from a prevous relationship. I am always there if they need me but they never have time for me. I am on the verge of depression and they could care less. They call 20 times a day and there is always some kind of drama going on. I have tried to talk to them and my husband but so far nothing has changed after 10 years. My mother-in-law is always trying to break us up. I just try and smile. I don't really know what to tell you. I have been dealing with this for 10 years and have not found a solution. The one thing that we did was move 3 hours away. I would like to move further but unable to. I would like to change my phone number. I guess just keep talking with your husband. Keep your chin up. Sorry to be of no help.

Answer 5

I’m sorry to tell you this, but your one and only real solution is to move.

It seems you love your in-laws, and that is a very good thing, but as you said, you have your won family and you want to spend time with them. Is ok to visit on the weekends, or if they live close by (or next door like in your case), they could come from time to time, like at dinner time sometime during the week, or even a couple of times.

But that is where it ends. If you have kids, you can send them to their grandparent’s house also so they spend sometime with them. That could help also.

But the problem here is that they are all used to go to your house on daily basics, and is very delicate to talk to them about it. To move to another house would be a good solution, but it would only work if you have to money to do this, and also a good excuse, like is a better house for a better deal and closer to work, or something like that, so your in-laws don’t think anything bad.

Otherwise, your only hope is to start making their visits short, and less frequent. To do this, you have to come up with a plan and make yourself busy at the times they usually come in. Still, you have to let them come in sometimes, and make it like everything is ok. Then have some excuses the next two days. And if they come in without warning, just grab the car keys and say “I’m sorry, but we were about to go out, gotta do something”.

If you can get them to get used to be there less frequently, it will become their routine, and nobody will get hurt on the process.

But don’t forget, you have to share this with your husband, and he needs to agree and help you. Otherwise it will not work. So make sure he understands the problem. You don’t want to stop seeing them; you just want more time for your own and your family. And that is perfectly normal and what everybody always asks.

Try also visiting them, or taking them out to dinner with your family. Make the encounters more active and also more formal, so they don’t get used to be “home” while in your house. Is all a psychological thing and you have to be able to work it out in your favor.

Good luck, and don’t forget to also have some time with your husband… alone… so send the kids to their grandparents and lock your house… have fun!

Answer 6

Wow. Everyday? I can understand how you are feeling.
Maybe you should try talking to your husband and his
parents at the same time. Let all of them know how much
they mean to you and that you are not trying to exclude
them its just you need some time alone with your
husband and child. Even if its just every other day or
something. Good Luck.

Answer 7

living next door it will be hard to set some boundaries but think about this why do you want to wait till they are dependent on you to have them close that sounds sort of well awful...i lived next door to my in laws and all of the brothers and sisters lived within about 2 miles so it was everyday getting together the kids playing football or some games in the yard them back to or own homes it wasn't the best thing i ever done trust me but the children enjoyed it my husband and i mostly me to be honest made a issue of it and we turned it into a argument on a weekly basis i nagged he felt torn and we were unhappy in my case we have been divorced 12 years now and that might be a lesson how important is it???

Answer 8

Move! A little distance may help the situation. I'm not suggesting you move to a different town, but move across town; maybe they'd only visit once a day, instead of twice. I know that you don't want to hurt their feelings, but it may become necessary for you, and your husband, to sit down, and speak with them , honestly, about your feelings. They may not realize how their visits are affecting your home life. Best of luck whatever you decide to do!

Answer 9

Watch Everybody Loves Raymond. You are like Ray and Deborah. Ray's parents live across the street. Ray and his parents make Deborah crazy. Seriously, you need to laugh. You will laugh if you watch it. Is your husband an only child? That would explain alot. I come from a family of six. My parents have ten grandkids. So they can't bug any one sibling too much. Sounds like you have the opposite problem.

Answer 10

You need to talk to him. REALLY talk to him. I once lived with my mother in law.... it took moving to heal the relationship between my husband and I.

Maybe a weekly calendar to be clear on what days are on the schedule? It will be complicated and feel strict at first, but over time it will be more natural.

Good luck. I now live 1200 miles away from ANY family...

Answer 11

Sit down with your husband and his parents and tell them the feelings you are having and where they are coming from. Avoid using the word "you" when telling them. Practice beforehand. This is a tough situation to be in but if expressed in a kind, loving, non-confrontational way, it will turn out fine. We had to do this with my sis in law and yes, she was hurt initially even though she understood but things have turned out fine. Leaving it as it is will only cause you to have a major blow up one day down the road. I think you should give your in-laws some credit - I bet they will understand completely. By not telling them, you are allowing this to continue and are angry with them even though they have no idea you don't want to see them as often as they come over. They won't know unless you tell them so the fault lies in you, not them.