Please help me to understand what is going on..?

Question

My husband and I have a son who is nearly 6 months old. Since his birth in September, we have had sex 3 times to be exact. And, only 1 of those times since we were married in November. I’m not a sexaholic, but my husband refuses to touch me in any manner whatsoever. Granted, we have had many issues recently..mostly due to financial issues we have been resolving. But I mean NO touch..not a single hug, kiss..or even reassuring touch of the shoulder or anything. I asked him to please be honest.. is he no longer attracted to me?? Am I repulsive? The only answer he tells me is that with all our stresses and problems, a “hug is a luxury” and that we need to just survive right now. I don’t ask for much..only stuff for the baby. We both work fulltime. We have been focusing a lot on getting his citizenship as well. What is your opinion? I have asked him over and over if there is another woman. He denies it of course. I feel it is unfair to be married to me and deprive me in this manner.

I feel so alone in the house and when I try to leave because he wants nothing to do with me, he tells me I'm a ***** and evil and that the baby and I will never survive without him. I am super-confused and unsure what to do.
Am I just being selfish? What? Please help..

Answer 1

Honey, I try to make light out of every bad situation, but not only have he abandon you, emotionally robbed you, sexually starved you, now he is just down right disrespectful. I'd let him get his citizenship on his on. You can make it without him, he's the one that can't stay without you.If he is trying to survive now, what do you think he's gonna be like in a while? He sound to me a cold hearted person and you might want to think about the fact that he just wanted to get married for the citizenship, or maybe there is another woman. When he tells you ''A hug is a luxury'' what he means is, you're not worth a hug because he love you. If he can't even muster up enough love or even LIKE to hug you, why do you want to stay there. Go get some support for your baby. You can make it without feeling so lonely, deprived and on top of that DISRESPECTED from somebody that can't even stay in a place he wants to live. You need to make it known to him that you hold his future in your hands and if you thought that he was going to marry you and abandon you, then you could have stayed by yourself. Stop asking him if there's another woman and tell him what you think instead of asking him. You tell him that since sex is non existant, hugs are rationed out, money is a problem and you just gave him life, but instead of being a woman of value to him, you have become a bi**h. So remember that when he need you, to think about what you have become and you will show him how a real b**tch really behave. i mean it, don't you ask him anymore, about another woman, tell him, you hope he's happy, because you sure as he77 not. stop being sad, exspecially in his presence. Start getting the baby dressed and just the two of you go out. Start getting your ducks in a row. Don't think for a minute that he have not got a plan.A man that don't want to touch you and then disrespect you, have no intentions on being around after the citizenship comes thru. If he does, you would problably feel worst then you already do. This is my opinion.

Answer 2

Hugs=luxury. That's a first, sometimes people will say anything to not say the truth. You did mention that your husband is just waiting on his citizenship. Have you thought what happens after he gets it? I have a feeling that his citizenship is a luxury and will stop at nothing or no one to get it. Stepping on your feeling in the process.

I think you already have your answer, no one needs to be in a loveless marriage. Unless, you like it and by your letter I don't think you do.

You need to meet with a lawyer, see what your rights are about custody and child support payments. He may just be waiting on the date of his citizenship and then leave. If you are buying a house be sure your name is on the title. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Having a baby, financial issues, paperwork to be done put a lot of stress on a relationship. This is frustrating. However, not being physical is a reason to be concerned.

Did you gain a lot of weight after the baby? Lose it

Was he present at the birth of the child? he might be experiencing the "Madonna syndrom' Google it an check it out.

Honestly, him denying you a hug is extremely mean. Hugs are not "luxuries" and everyone needs affection. Men that avoid inticimacy with their wives, normally is because they are getting it elsewhere. Investigate.

Good luck

Answer 4

Girl, pack up your baby and run!!! I hate to say that, but someone that is ABLE to perform sexually and doesn't even show the slightest bit of affection is not worthy of your time, love and effort. Hugs are not a "luxary." They are something that every woman needs to feel wanted in their marriage. I agree w/ the one girl that thinks he may have just used you to obtain a legal status in this country and that's not fair to you nor to your child that you share. He probably doesn't want to break it off w/ you b/c it would make it that much harder for him to become a legal citizen. He's telling you that you and your baby won't survive w/o him b/c he's trying to scare you and trap you into staying w/ him. Don't feel afraid to go to your friends/family and seek support and/or help. If they truly care about you, they won't do the "I told you so" thing. I felt that way when I was engaged and moved 1500 miles away from my family. I was isolated from everything and everyone I knew and loved and that was yet another way for my fiance to keep me around. I was so afraid of hearing "I told you so" from my family and I felt like a failure. My family and friends totally surprised me and never once told me that! They were there for me and helped me move back home and I was so proud of myself that I had stood up to my abuser and said, "Enough is enough." Of course he threw a fit, but so what? I stuck to my guns and got out of a really bad situation and I became a stronger woman b/c of it. Thankfully we didn't have any children together, but at least your husband wouldn't be able to control you any longer if you take a stand for not only yourself but more importantly for your son. You don't want your son to grow up and become the type of man that your husband is and learn to treat women the way you're being treated. Children learn by example and if he sees Daddy being mean to Mommy, then he'll either a) be mean to Mommy too b/c he thinks it's ok or b) he'll treat his own girlfriends/wife the same way. You deserve better and I hope that you just bite the bullet and do what's necessary for you and your son. Good luck!

Answer 5

This is not normal in a loving relationship and you are still in the honeymoon stage where it should be all the time and hugs and kisses should be an everyday accurance. I have been with my husband 7 years and I couldn't think of one day that I have not been kissed and hugged.

Sounds like you are being used for some purpose and and with the comment he made that you and your child cannot make it without him is a ploy to hurt your self esteem.

This so-called relationship will end when he gets his citizenship,because it is apparent he has no emotional ties to you.

Answer 6

What does your gut tell you? Often times WE are well aware of what is going on but do not want to see or believe it. You are right, you deserve the emotional and physical connection that goes with being married and you do not deserve this treatment. Do not lose YOURSELF for any man or person. I know that you are a bright and intelligent person (I know this because your question is well thought out and articulate).

Lastly, the phrase "you and the baby will not be able to survive without him" is nothing less than playing mind games!! If he says it enough you might start to believe it...... Take control of your situation, whether you want to remain married or leave and command the respect you deserve.

You are in my prayers....

Answer 7

Yes it is unfair to do this to you. You need to reevaluate the situation. Good chance he is using you to get citizenship, but now with the child, might want to check into whether he can get it through the child now. Try talking to him, but if he is going to be verbally abusive to you, maybe you should take the baby and go. No woman deserves any type of abuse, dont let him guilt you. If you are not happy and hes not willing to work on things, then by all means, go make yourself happy. Wishing you the best of luck

Answer 8

I don't want to hurt you, but I think he is using you for his citizenship. Many foreign men think that American women are "slu_ s". They use them for whatever they need, and then start treating them like they are trash. You may think you love him, but he is not showing LOVE to you emotionally or physically. I think you ought to leave. Take the baby and go. You will find true happiness one day, and then you will look back and clearly see this man for what he really is. He just seems to have a low opinion of women, in general. Doesn't want to defile himself by touching one. He's got some BIG problems.

Answer 9

It may be a cultural thing. Is he from a 3rd world country?

He may have something going on on the side although that usually takes money. The next time he goes out, I'd get someone to watch the baby and I'd follow him (discreetly).

Answer 10

O hell no girl you don't need no man like that......I sorry but what you need to do is leave his a** and show him that you can do it by yourself.......he will miss you and cry for you to come back remember that a woman is always stronger that a man we can deal with life a move on...what kind of husband is that that don't hug and kiss his wife he such a jerk