Leave or not to leave?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 9 years and have two small children. We have been having problems due to his inability to talk to me or pay me any attention whatsoever. When I talk to him it is as if I am talking to the wall. He seems angry all the time and refused to go to therapy and says that he is completely happy with me. I have told him so many times I am not happy and finally I gave up and went onto the computer and met someone and have been talking to them for 8 months. I have never seen him he is more of a friend than anything. My husband found out and accused me of cheating. Even though it was just talking I know it was wrong. I just felt so lonely and alone with my husband and felt extremely trapped in a bad marriage that would never get better because he refused to work at it. I have now filed for divorce and now is is trying to change but I have lost the love I once had for him. I have never been unfaithful but just wanted someone to hear me. Any advice.

We have been to about 3 therapy sessions and the therapist tells me that I should stay because of my kids and not break up my family and it is very hard for a father to loose his kids and he is willing to try so why wont I give him a chance? Problem is, it is too little too late. I don't want to stay for the wrong reasons but I don't want to leave a realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. God know I have tried with this man over and over and over and now that he wants to try I am emotionally numb and just have no feelings but resentment and anger.

I realize talking to another man was wrong but I just wanted someone to pay attention to me because he wouldn't. I have written him letters begging him to change, I have talked to him until I was blue in the face. Now he says why didn't you come to me and tell me how you were feeling. The thing is I did and you did not hear me. He family is very cold and unfeeling and refuses to face any issues they just ignore them and they go away or at least they think they do. He has always been cold and distant but not to this degree. Someplace he is very unhappy within himself and probably does not know why. He is a great father and very loving with the kids but not with me. I just want someone to laught with, be silly with, be intimate with, and feel a connection. I want someone to tell me im beautiful now and then and maybe get me a card. Is that too much to ask. Thanks Guys

Answer 1

When women get lonely in a marriage they just want someone to pay attention to them, be it online or in real life. You did something a lot of women do. I do not consider that cheating however it probably wasn't wise. If your husband is all of sudden willing to'get help' and work on things he realizes what he's losing and is panicking. I really think he'd say or do just about anything to get you to stay. Once things settle back to the norm he'll go back to his prior behaviors. If you've truly lost the love then go ahead with your plans and leave the guilt at the door sweetie! Move ahead with your happiness. Sounds like you've wasted too many years already....I wish you all the best!

Answer 2

your husband and you lost touch with one another and were both unable to get back the intimacy you both once felt for each other. As you had tried endlessly to get him to be more communicative towards you, I feel he felt frustrated and angry because he of the helplessness he felt at not being able to fix it. His refusal to go into marital counselling is an indication of him being in denial and therefore refused to face the problems head on. Just remember, even though his actions have seemed as if he did not care about the bad state the marriage was in, does not mean he did not care. His way of handling the problem was to avoid it and hoped by doing this the problems would go away. Your way was to face the problems head on and make ways to fix them. Now that you are filing for divorce has made your husband face the reality of how bad the marriage was. If you both can give counselling another chance since now he is willing, then why not do that? See where this will take you. You feel no love right now, but if you give it another chance you both just might discover a way to get back the love you both once shared. Best of luck to you both!

Answer 3

well i divorced my husband, i found out about him talking with another woman online, and that was it for me. He and i divorced on good terms and talk about twice a year, but let me tell you, we did not have kids, we had been together for 8yrs, and when i found out that he was with someone else, it was like my heart was ripped out of my chest. While we were separated we still talked and dated each other, but he found someone else, and hid it from me. I found out Christmas day, and it crushed me. I don't really think I am over it and we have been divorced for two years, he has moved on and married last January, i have too moved on, feeling that I had no choice, it has been the worst time of my life. yes i have a boyfriend whom i love, but deep down i know that i messed up and that i should have worked harder at my marriage. I too wanted attention and asked for counciling, he refused, now i am in a relationship that is going no where, still lacking for attention and regret my divorce every day. Stop and think about your future, and your children's future. Okay your kids might turn out fine, but my parents divorced when i was young, and i will tell you, my entire life all i have ever done is search for a man figure that would care about me and spend time with me. Now i am in a relationship with a man that says he loves me, but doesn't show it very often, i am almost 30, divorced and still do not feel like i am whole. My ex husband has moved on and found a new life, and he is happy, i am glad for that, and would never tell him how much i am hurting for him, for fear of losing him as a friend. Think this through. You are not only effecting your life but three others, i mean your children and your husband. Plus your extended family. If he is willing to work this out, then do it, my husband wanted to work at it and i was stubbern and told him it was too late, that is something i will always regret, i could have worked things out, and have a family by now. Don't make a stupid decision.

Answer 4

So sorry to hear that,,, I am in a similar situation,,, but I stayed in with my husband because I am comfortable and I dont want to leave my comfort zone,,, as long as your husband is not abusing you I think you might beable to get past this,,, and if you really want out ,, and you have the financial means to make it with 2 children then do it,,, but before you go,, get on line and check out a few houses that you can afford to live in,, make sure you get your stuff together that will set up your new house,,, start packing things up that you know you can take,, that he wont want,,, calculate what it will cost to pay a mortgage, utilities, food, ins, car, daycare, etc,etc,,etc,, and hope that you will have enough to make it,,, I have done this process a few times,,, and I would have to get a second job to make ends meet,,, But if you are really that unhappy then you should go,,, Best of luck

Answer 5

I'm sorry even though you say you didn't cheat, technically you had an emotional affair, even though you say you felt neglected and so forth, it didn't give you the go ahead to start this "friendship" up with someone else. what you need to do is ask your husband to go to counseling either as a couple or alone. i know that you have two small children at home, and no matter what you have to do what is best for you and your children. whether you husband wants to work on things or not. good luck!

Answer 6

What caused him to be distant? if he was attentave before, what changed in his life to cause him to be distractied. Men don't stop paying attention to there wife unless their preoccupide with another problem or they've lost there feeling for there wife. Judging from his reaction to your talking to another guy, I would say he still loves you and is deeply hurt. (if he didn't care about you he would have left you as soon as he found out). Find out what he's been dealing with and try to understand it, from his perspective.
About you talking with another guy, the need to feel connected to someone is always important, talking to a guy was not the best thing, ( a girl would have been better, someone that neather of you will know). I'm not saying what you did was wrong, but it wasn't right eather. If your truly interested in making it work, talk to him, ask him what's on his mind, and ask him what he needs from you to help him get through it. At the same time, tell him what you need, and remind him every so often (Dont say it, or gripe about it, give him a post it note or a E-Mail saying that you need him to connect with you personaly).

Answer 7

Loneliness is a hard taskmaster. It will make you do things that you never thought you would. Up to this point you have done nothing that can't be rectified. Your marriage is in trouble right now, but with work, could still be salvaged most likely. Give it another try. He might come around, and be what you need this time....but you'll never know till you give it a try. Good Luck!!

Answer 8

just leave. I am glad that you never had an affair and he is the one that made the mistake. If he put more effort in to talking to you or doing little things to make you happy than you wouldnt be going else where for the emotional support. He may be changing the way he is acting now, but he will go back to the way he was as soon as he realizes that you are not going to leave... I'm sorry but you need to do what is best for you and if he is not giving you what you need than you need to leave. This is your movie it is about you not him.

Answer 9

Obviously you are feeling the need to reach out to someone else...just try to make sure you are reaching out to the right people. A counselor would be a much safer option. When the tables are turned communicating with another woman (on any level-especially about feelings) would be a big no-no.

I'd rather find out my husband was talking sexually with a stranger, than expressing his feelings.

Only you can determine when you've had too much.
Right before that point, you need to share your options with your husband, if Strong enough, set an ultimatum. Let him know your needs. If they aren't met...keep your word.

Good luck.

Answer 10

Sounds like you didn't talk loud enough for him to hear you. Or, Im sorry, you were looking for an excuse. Communication is key, but if you don't love him and he doesn't trust you, there's no point in staying, follow through with the divorce and move on. Except your portion of the blame, bc marriage and communication are a two way street.