I have no idea how to fix this?

Question

I am 22 yrs old i just graduated from college and have been married for only 4 months.My marriage is having a lot of problems because many things were not brought up till after our marriage.I have a son who is four years old from a prior relationship he new this.We got married after 2.5 yrs of dating we never talked about the past really.I have never told anyone who my sons bio-dad is not even the guy and never thought it would come up.Unfortunatley it did come up last week while at a wedding run-through for one of my hubbys old friends from high school.It turned out to be my sons bio-dad i had no clue they even new each other.I freaked and told this private info to my hubby because he new something was up already.He got extremley angry left our hotel room ect.Last night while at a pre wedding dinner for his friend he drank a lot and we got into a fight outside.His friends mom heard everything and now my hubby has filed for divorce?

I dont get whats going on with my hubby i told him that info in confidence i did not want him to use it to stop a wedding.I new that my hubby was having problems bonding with my son but did not think it was that bad?

My hubby never asked about it so i thought it was not important to him!

Answer 1

Everybody has a past and nobody I have ever known shares every often painful detail while dating. It is hypocritical of many of the people to say 'honesty is the best policy', 'you should have told him', etc. Besides, what should have been done is actually useless as to what can be done now.

If your son is four then I take it the relationship was over at least a year and a half before you started dating your husband. I also take it that he knew your son and how baby's get made. If you truly did not know he knew the father then I don't see how that is any different than it actually being a stranger as you both seemed to assume. You are both victms of a statistical whim that is larger than most people think (look up anything on 'six degrees of seperation')
The difference is not in the fact you have a son, a 'past', or anything else factually based. It is in how your husband is dealing with the reality of your past. It was easy to pretend that the child was a product of 'immaculate conception' until he was forced to put a name and a face to the father. It destroyed his fantasy and sense of ownership of all your love and affections. Every man truly in love wants to be the one that swept you off your feet and made you love him like no other. He has had his sense of 'specialness' destroyed. Let him know he is special to you and that is why you wanted HIM as your husband and the man to help raise your son.
To be honest, there is little or nothing that you can do as he must assess his feelings and truly come to grips with your son and his conception, his relationship with you, and his relationship with his friend. I do not recommend the abject apology route. This will only reinforce in your and his mind that you did something wrong, which you did not from what I see. Tell him you are sorry he found out in this way and that you had no idea, but also point out it was a shocking, embarassing, and painful situation for you as well.

See if he is open to marraige counseling to at least explore coming to grips with these things. The fact that he drank too much rather than talking things through point to a problem dealing with emotional issues by himself. If he is not, then even if you talk him into sticking around it will only be so he can remind you of how 'you did wrong' and punish you emotionally for the least (or imagined) offense if it follows the path of most relationships with issues like this. That would be very bad for you, for him, and especially your son who could very likely grow up feeling like 'mommy's mistake that made daddy hate her'. In the end, if he can not face these things a divorce might be the best option, but do talk and give him some time to sort out his feelings.

Answer 2

Melrose,,

How old is your “husband” 4?? Did he think you had a child by immaculate conception ?? If the “history” of your child was an issue to him he SHOULD HAVE BEEN ADULT ENOUGH TO ASK!!

Anyone’s specific history male or female, is pretty much superfluous unless there is a pattern of “problem” relationships. But it is up to both the male and female to ask if they have a concern about the others past.

As he has filed papers for a divorce because he didn’t ask when he could/should have he has some VERY SERIOUS CHARACTER FLAWS !! Your child is more important than that!!

Tell the “CHILD HUSBAND” good bye L O O S E R !! You are better off finding this out now instead of wasting more years trying to be married to a child!!

Go find a real “MAN” who will communicate with you when he has concerns, love both you and your child, treat you and your child well, and be a GOOD MAN and HUSBAND!!

Answer 3

If your husband has filed for divorce. It is very possible that you will not be able to "fix" this. However, you have learned a valuable lesson for future relationships. Keeping secrets is a real real bad idea. I know you are hurting right now and I also know it may continue for a considered period of time but now is the time to be quiet and wait to see if your husband comes to you. Calling him a hundred times to see if he will come talk things over won't serve any purpose. Try to stay calm and maintain some dignity for the sake of your child.

Good luck and stay strong.

Answer 4

Wow, sounds like some drama!!!

That is so weird that they are friends. Just remember, even though you think that your husband is being a jerk right now, he's just gotten the shock of his life!!! He's raising his friend's child as his own.

Plus, he's probably mad that you haven't told anyone for 4+ years! That's the type of information that you just don't hold back for that long....think of the biological dad...it's kind of on the side of "selfish" of you. This dad has missed 4 years of his son's life. And furthermore, your husband is shocked that you would do this.

Give him some time. Maybe he will rethink the divorce after he's thought about it. But honesty is the best policy with Life in General......and sometimes if you hold things back, it blows up in your face.

Answer 5

I was reading the responses and noticed the male responses were more supportive of your husband and the female responses were more supportive of you.
That being said, I would first like to say that if he didn't ask who the biological father was didn't mean he didn't have the right to know. They were bound to run into each other eventually. He should have been told....period.
Secondly, he has been extremely hurt by this and is feeling very angry. You have damaged one the basic elements of a good marriage.......trust.
Thirdly, I would have to agree with the guys on this, you need to apologize for your mistake. He is reacting(maybe not in the best way) to all of this based on how he feels give him the space he needs to sort it all out and if he still wants to divorce, give him one. As you will most likely continue having trust issues for some time to come.

Answer 6

It's fair that you hubby knows who is the bio-dad of your son from previous relationship.

It's a great shock to your hubby that the bio-dad turned out to be someone he know. Imagine all the feelings he feel inside. It's natural for him to be angry, be drunk etc.

It could be that he's losing face, and/or he felt that he was cheated of not knowing, and/or because he loves you and could take this truth.

Let him cool down. No point shouting at him & make the anger in him stirred up. Let him cool down. Apologize for the embaressment, apologize for not telling him & that you didn't know that they were friends, tell him you're just as awkward etc.

If he has simmered down, tell him that you love him and hope if he will give the marriage a second chance. Tell him that you do not mean to hurt him at all. Tell him that you really loved and hope to make this relationship work out. Give him time to think over if he have to. Because it's a major issue.

And if he considers that it's best to be apart, you've to let go. It's not fair for you to be stuck with an angry husband all your life. It will be miserable for him and for you and for the child.

And if he considers to give it a try, be thankful for having such a loving & husband by your side, and help you raise the child without qualms. Try not to hide things from him. Marriage is about sharing everything, not hiding. I believe you do not wish him to hide things from you. Be open. Talk openly with an open mind & open heart.

Answer 7

telling you this should all have come out before the wedding is like shutting the stable door once the horse has bolted, So, you have to deal with what is now, and i think the only thing you can do now is set aside some quiet uninterrupted time with your hubby and discuss, EVERYTHING. lay it all out, once and for all and see where you both want to go from there. he always knew your little boy must have had a bio father, why didnt he ask? he knew you had an ex. I think its the harsh coincedence that he knows him that is the problem, he knew there was a "father" i think there are faults on both sides here, but with a bit of work on both sides it can be resolved, good luck

Answer 8

Honesty is always the best policy. Omission is still lieing. But, that is done... you want to know how to fix it? THAT is up to the two of you.

Counseling, get it ALL out on the table.

He feels betrayed. Only time will tell if he will be able to get over that and trust you again. Without trust, your relationship cannot last.

Oh, and stop fighting. Fighing never solved anything... if he picks a fight, walk away... discussion only.

Answer 9

After 4 months. He should be MAD but he should want to work through it because you are his wife. He should see you in a different light and not run off at the first sight of a problem. You don't leave your wife/husband as you would leave a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Answer 10

The bio-dad had the right to know about his child as did his family. Why did you hide this from them and everyone else?

Your husband is being rather childish and working fast on the divorce. You should talk to him and explain why you thought it so important that no one know who the father was. Maybe then he will be willing to listen to you, just do not expect him to have much trust for a while.