a side to my husband that I didn 't know?

Question

I am so hurt, and I don't know how to handle this. We have been married for 21/2 years, and just recently I discovered a side of my husband that frightened the heck out of me. It seems that while I am at work (he is temporarily working from home), or at night when I go to bed (and he says he will be upstairs after he catches the news), he has been visiting "erotica" sites-not photos, or videos, just reading stories. I have always been there for him, in have never, ever refused him. I am always asking him to tell me what he wants, or show me what he likes. I am open to his suggestions. Now I am not dead and I realize this stuff can be arousing...but why does he have to go there when I am so willing to please? And (here's the kicker), between these cybervisits, he has been "searching" on google for ex girl friends, and his ex wife. I also discovered that he has been having an ongoing (weekly) conversation with an ex girlfriend who is single and works locally. I want marriage to work!

Answer 1

On thing you have to get in your heart, not just your mind. Your husband is having an emotional affair. If you are asking him, what is it he wants and never refused him, then it's not you that he wants. I don't know what to tell you if you are not willing to see that this man is gone, he have left the building of marriage. I also want you to know that when the time comes, this emotional affair will become a sexual one. Everyone want their marriage or relationships to work, but if the other party is not willing then there's no need to try. You have asked him what does he want with no avail, he continue to search these people out. I know this is mind blowing. You get one thought of a person in mind and they show you something else. See it, believe it and deal with it. put your foot down and mean what you say. Tell him if he don't want you, then leave your life. Cry about it, talk about it and then move on. There's nothing worst then to find out your spouse have thoughts of other women dancing around in their heads and it's so easy for them to make love to you as if their hearts is with you. It makes you feel dumb, used and tossed to the side and they don't want you to leave and yet they want someone else too. I don't know how to tell you to handle this, I would not want you to handle this the way that I would or have handled things like this in my past. I would throw a bi**h fit and I would talk to him, the girlfriend and the ex wife and I would make him talk about the reason he choose to break my heart and why? In this case did you let him know that you know? Have you confronted him? after all of that, what can you do besides pack your bags and move on. Men don't seem to know the results they cause until after you walk away from them and the hurt is enough to make you not want to ever look at them again. whatever your choices are, good luck and God bless.

Answer 2

I'm a guy, and I have done this too (just not to this extent)
1st; guys will always want to see others having sex, we are visual, I know I like the lights on. So him looking (and this is for all the ladies) probalby means that he is wanting something new in the bedroom. Not to say that the guy is bored, he just wants to know 'what else' he could do.
2nd; I think that the reason he is talking to his ex is because he used to do something with her (or them) that he really digs, and talking to her and reading these stories just makes it that much more real to him. (I have this one "move" that an ex used to do, that I really just wish my wife would do to, but can't ask because it is rude/ mean/ inapropriate) Is there possibly a possition or move he wants you to perform, but you don't think/ want to do?
3rd; this counceling that every female/ girlfriend and wife wants to take their spouse to attend would make me shrivel up like a seven year old on a cold day on a nude beach. It wouldn't just be your opinion he fears, but also the opinion of some proclaimed proffesional.
Instead, do something completely different with him, something wild (maybe even a little degrading if it wasn't your husband you were doing it for/ to). Ask some friends what specialties their guys like, get online yourself and watch a video or two. Get into his mind, find out what he digs while he is online, and do it with him.
Now,... if this does not atleast pull him away from the internet a few nights a week, or if you know that he is still talking to his ex, then I would spy on him a little more. Take a day off work while he should be at home all day, and just sit down the street wating to see if there is any activity in/ around the house. If he leaves follow him, because by now you know whats up, you just have to catch him. NEVER ACCUSE!
Also very important; follow this list of things to do, don't skip ahead! Because if he is unfaithfull, atleast you learned some new tricks for the new guy, and you had some great fairwell sex!

Answer 3

Your husband has a real problem and you are justified in being both hurt and concerned. I can appreciate that you want your marriage to work and you obviously have been doing all possible to make it so ("never refuse him" - we should all be so lucky!).

But, this problem is bigger than anything you can do alone. At a quiet time without other emotional baggage involved, lovingly confront your husband and express your sincere concerns along with your commitment to make the marriage work. Tell him that you understand that he has needs, but be firm about the fact that he is married now and has some promises to keep - namely, fidelity and attention to your needs for him to be loyal. Express your hurt, but try to avoid too many tears (guys need to know the pain, but we're a little put off by too much emotion - sorry, it's the way most of us come from the factory).

What comes next largely depends on his reaction. If he is defensive, defiant, is in denial, and says it's no big deal, you should be prepared for the worst. That is, he may be deeply addicted to this lifestyle with very little chance of coming around. You deserve a loyal, devoted spouse and you may not get it with this man. If you can't live with his addiction, you may have to end the relationship. You wouldn't be the first. On the other hand, if he sees the folly of his actions and shows a sincere desire to also make the marriage work, suggest counseling, both professional and religious, if the latter is appropriate. It will take time and there may be some backsliding and false starts, but if he is committed he can get over this problem. You are probably his only real hope of doing so.

I hope this is helpful. You have articulated the problem very clearly and concisely. Best of luck. And, if he won't get counseling, you definitely need to go for yourself.

Answer 4

There is only one reason for him to be sneaking away to do this. You tell him to be honest with you. Don't you realize that he knew you would react like this if he had been honest. You are taking this personal. As if its your fault that he is looking elsewhere. This is mainly about him. It is a guy thing and very few women can get it through their heads that men like porno! Women like security. Its true. Right now it is your security that is threatened. I don't know how liberated you are, but, can I make a suggestion.

Go upstairs next time and flat out ask him, Can I watch it with you? Now, I need to prepare you for the possibility that he is pleasuring himself during these episodes. If that is the case, don't freak out, simply say, can I help you with that while you look at the pictures.

It is your decision however, this does not have to be an either or situation. No matter what he is looking at on line, as long as he is taking his excitement out on you or taking the matter into his own hand, He does not feel that he is cheating on you. And he isn't. If you want this marriage to last, you are going to have to join in. And try to enjoy it.

Answer 5

there’s one thing most people love, it’s great sex, even in this time of virtual sex, phone sex, and cybersex. Many people also enjoy reading good, hot, provocative erotica, stories that give them a steamy sensual lift, a natural buzz, very similar to that giddy feeling that comes with finding a new lover. Recently, a guest on one of the popular cable TV shows was discussing why literary erotica was reaching a wider audience, exceeding the expectations of both writers and publishers alike. He said that there was only one
explanation: the stories are sexy, titillating, and, most of all, safe at a time when sex can be hazardous to one’s health. There was plenty of
anecdotal evidence, the guest added, that well-written erotica can lower inhibitions, increase libido, delay ejaculation, prolong orgasm and deepen intimacy. While a good erotic tale will never be a substitute for candlelight wooing or true romance, no one can deny its potent entertainment value.

Try reading it with him instead of going to bed or e mail him naughty cards , notes and erotica. He may be getting into a rut being home all day and needs a little spicing things up.

Answer 6

I would not worry about the porn - every guy I know watches porn, and quite often- I would be worried if he didn't! It has nothing to do with cheating, and there is nothing wrong with it. If a guy says he doesn't 'like' porn- he is hiding it.

Now the ex-gf situation is another matter... looking up exes online is one thing, its fun seeing how people you knew in the past is cool- but chatting with them is a little strange.

get your head out of your conservative a$$ - and stop thinking of porn as something 'wrong' with you or him.. and focus on the fact that he might be looking to get back together with a real-life person. Having erotic fantasies is normal and healthy - when you cross the line and make a physical connection with a real person is when then is a problem!

by the way - you can't take religious right wing conservatives seriously when they talk about the normal, healthy viewing of porn and masterbation as a problem (sure there are times when it is- this doesn't seem to be one of them). Remember the catholic priests - supressing sexual urges is quite often dangerous, and can lead to those healthy sexual fantasies to turn into a much deeper and disturbing obsession.

Answer 7

My husband and I had the same problem. I have never told my husband no and will anything he wants so I was ever hurt when I found out that he still masturbated. I told him that if he was going to do that I had to be with him when he did it. Now, it is an active part of our lovemaking. You can try writing a story yourself. He might find it very sexy. As for the ex-girlfriend. That was me. I had an ex that I was still very close too. I would talk to him weekly on line but I would never met him in person. However, my husband did not like that thought of me talking to an ex. I thought he was over reacting but out of respect and wanting our marriage to work I stopped seeing him. The ex was very understanding and was hurt but I am sure he got over it.

Good luck, If that does not work you can always try marriage counseling

Answer 8

Isn't it obvious? He's a dog in HEAT. After many years of marriage, he is bored with you. He's looking for more mental excitement. Maybe it's the "thought" of tasting the forbidden fruit that means more to him than your marriage. You can't make a marriage work if only one partner is working at it. You need to confront him immediately and ask him what's going on? Communication is a must. Better yet; sit with him when he's on line and see if he even goes to these locations. Or... take a hammer to the main frame and cut the connection permanently.

Answer 9

Your husband does this when you are not home or when you are sleeping because he wants to hide it from you. That is the behavior of an addict. Porn is very addicting - he is getting a chemical rush in his brain from sneaking around behind your back and is addicted to that rush.

If he will not admit that he has an addiction and is looking for a way to feel good his behavior won't change. It will get worse as he will need more and more to get the same chemical rush. Eventually it will go past just reading, talking and viewing.

His looking elsewhere has nothing to do with you but as is normal in most women, you immediately assumed that you must be the problem and aren't "good enough" in some way. This is untrue. There are so many couples that have this problem and pornography has destroyed more than one marriage.

I would suggest your husband get counseling for addictive behaviors. However, trying to convince him that it is a problem is going to be tough. He may not think it is as society has led us (mainly men) to believe that there is nothing wrong with it and it cannot hurt you or your relationships. If he tells you this then I would ask why he feels the need to hide this behavior from you and if he really thought it was okay then quit hiding it. That will take away almost all of the "thrill".

Good luck. And do not blame yourself. Educate yourself on this addiction that no one wants to talk about.

Answer 10

First of all you need to confront him about it, that way you know where you stand. He's wrong and you can only make it work if he wants it work also you can't change him, to be someone he's not. The reason I say it is because you're finding new things about him. Let me just tell you that life is short and if you can do better girl there is more fish in the pond. Good luck. Believe me the sun will still shine for you, maybe even brighter, It did for me. (proven to be true) :)