why wont my boyfriend marry me?

Question

we have been together for 5 yrs and live together with his 7 yr old son from his previous marriage. he says he doesnt believe in marriage and does not want to get married ever. he says that the only reason that he got married b4 was so that his son could obtain brittish citizenship(mother is slovakian). she says different, that he begged her to marry and was crying at the wedding( which he admits to cying).in the past he used to say things like, "one day i am gonna make you my wife" and " imagine what speach your dad will say at our wedding". i ask him about this now and he says that he doesnt know why he said those things. i do everything for this guy, i am a mother to his son, i cook, i clean, i am faithful and committed and have supported us the majority of our relationship. but i am 28 now and all my friends are getting married and having babies and he doesnt even like to talk about it. i am so hurt that i have found the man i love and want be with and i question he feels the same?

i told my bf yesterday how upset i am that he wont marry me and he said that if it will make me happy then set the date. i was very suprised and shocked. i called and told my friends and mum who were all very excited for me. but since then he has been acting very mean to me and was not happy that i had told everybody. we had a big fight and i told him that i feel that he is stringing me along and that it is over. he said mean things too. i am so upset. this is not how it is supposed to be, i dont want it to be this way. he called this morning and apologised and said that if getting married is what i really want and is gonna make me happy then we will do it. but i feel like if i say yes, he is gonna resent me for making him do this. what shoulkd i do? i love him so much and we are very happy in all other aspects nof our relationship, but i cant seem to let go of the fact that he doesnt really want to marry me.

Answer 1

He is not marrying you because you already do for him everything. Why in the world should he marry you if you already clean, cook, and raise his child anyway?? If you stop being like a "wife" to him and start living your own life and mean that, he will start thinking about marriage. If he won't, then it was never meant to happen to begin with. But as long as you keep being already like a "wife" to him, he is never ever going to ask you to marry him.

Answer 2

Being able to see your situation from the outside of it , I really think that your boyfriend loves you and is very a happy to be with you .As a woman you want the security both mentally and physically and a feeling that he wants to be bonded to you forever through marriage .... He had probably already made up his mind (before you ) that he wasnt going to get married again . My question to you is did he just tell you this or is this something that he has said from the beginning of your relationship ? In my experience , men usually mean what they say .. If they want to do something , then they will .. If not they won't.. The decision will probably have to be with you . Are you willing to continue to live with this man and not be fulfilled in what you want ?? If you stay , later on in your life you may regret what you dont have and resent him for it ..The children thing is another story .. being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me and has given me the fulfillment that nothing else can even come close to .. if your wish is to have children and he doesn't ,, you should go ..........dont let anyone to that priviledge away from you ........ Either way it is a tough choice ..Good luck to you .....

Answer 3

i understand completely, in fact i have thought about asking this exact question on here everyday for a long time. I have been with my boyfriend for only 2 yrs, he also makes comments lake, "ask the wife" or "she is my better half" but he says he is never going to get married. Infact, his grandparents took us out to a fancy dinner about a year ago, and asked him what he was waiting for, he made some lame comment about finances and his grandfather whipped out a wad of cash and asked him how much he needed. That was the end of the conversation. I too, support us, i pay everything but the morgage. And let me tell you my guy is not a light eater. He says he still puts more $$ into the relationship. So whenever something with the house(his house) breaks, he gets mad that i dont' offer to help pay for it, well, I don't have any $$ left from paying everything else. His family and friends are getting more and more anxious for us to commit, but let me tell you, I dont' see it coming and often wonder, how long is too long to wait. People tell me to leave him, and i see that has been a comment made by another person here, well that is easier said than done when you love someone and are only looking for a bigger commitment from him. I too do ALL of the cleaning, house work, cooking, grocery shopping, and landscaping. He pays the mortgage. He says that is enough. He won't even help clean up after dinner, doesn't even put his dishes in the dishwasher. MY guy is LAZY!!! I definitely love, him, I wish he treated me better. I think we are in the same boat and there are no paddles. I guess we have to decide if we love him enough to live with the no marriage thing. and trust me, this is one thought that is never going to go away.


Okay someone said "why would he lie about never wanting to get married"
well my guy always makes this comment when we are around people, like his friends or cousins, it is like it is his way of being cool. He never talks about marriage with me.

Answer 4

You know I think it lies deeper then that. He was married before and ended up being hurt afterwards. For some its not easy to forget that feeling and inst easy to talk about. A lot of men remember the first hurt and dont ever wish to repeat it. They never get passed the first time. Where as women seem to think it threw more and go on with it and try again.

He may also feel things are great just the way they are. Its possible after he married his ex she changed or things changed once that peice of paper was signed.

Also he is shy about sharring his true feelings on the subject. This is partly why your hurt, he hasnt given you his full reasons behind his change of words and feelings.

Please dont think he doesnt love you. Or feel the need to leave. Im sure he cares for you more then you imagine. He truly is affaird of getting hurt AGAIN or feels things will change. You need to hell him exactly what you said here how hurt you are by his change of attitude. Really try to get the real reasons behind it.

I too am like this. I dont want to get married either. When I do marry it has to be a lifetime. I take it to heart. You dont marry someone to end up in divorce a few years latter. Like so many other people do.
I am currently going threw this excat same thing. He wishs to get married where I am pulling away from it. He doesnt understand how strongly I feel about this.

Answer 5

He's not ready. You can't pressure him into marrying you just because you're having a child together and you've been together for three years. He might be nervous, or unsure, or he just wants to wait until a later time. Don't force him into anything he might not want to do, it's not fair to either of you and the outcome might be more disastrous than you think. Also, you're both very young. I'm sure you're very in love, but you're only 20-think about it. Both of you still have so much of your lives left to experience, do you really want to force your boyfriend into marriage so quickly? He's doing the right thing, I think. He wants to wait. He's probably waiting for the baby to be born and get used to that, and enjoy his child, rather than rush into marriage plans. You're both so young, enjoy each other and wait. If it's meant to be, nothing will change in a few years, and then he'll propose. Waiting is the healthiest thing you can do, and the most respectful to his feelings. Guys get antsy when pressured, especially by something so serious as marriage. Just enjoy each other and your child, and when you're both ready, the time will come. Good luck and good health, hope this helped.

Answer 6

Your problem is that you have made things easy for him...first thing you should never do is MOVE in with a guy and then expect him to marry you quickly....you already there..whats the point..second thing is stop treating him like a husband until he actually becomes your husband>>>GET IT!!
Change your attitude, take a stand, move out on your own, still court him and you'll see he will miss being taken care of all the time and propose to you!! Men are babies, when they get something, the hunt is over they sit down and relax, when they know they gonna loose sumting it they want it all the more...ooops hope the guys arent gonna shoot me for letting out this secret!!!
Don't show a guy that you need him has much as he thinks you do!! Be a bit independant!! But when you get married you becoem united and dependant on each other. Good Luck

Answer 7

Why is it almost every woman has to base a relationship on a mans proposal of marriage. again you have been there for 5 years and counting. Marriage is not the world, if it meant that much you would have pushed the marriage card before you lived together not after. If you both love and respect each other, live as husband and wife, why do you need a sheet of paper stating it? If you need that, print it out from your computer. I say what I do because I have been married, got the ownership to prove I was his. He passed away, I am now living with a man for over 5 years, He is my husband I am his wife, we are happy, life is good. And I dont push the marriage thing, why? Because he has been legally married twice, I have been once, and we are just as married in the eyes of God. Think about it, and good luck

Answer 8

He already told you that he doesn't want to get married... so why are you asking us?

What part of "I don't want to get married EVER!" you don;t understand?

You are his free leave-in maid, secretary and his babysitter. You gave him everything but he won't put a ring on your finger because you have become his stepping mat and made yourslef avaibale to him with no strings attached. You made it easy for him and now he is in his comfort zone, he has everything he needs: laundry, hot food, babysitter and he has ti put ZERO effort,. Sorry but you put yourself in this position and he will NOT marry you.

The truth is that men don't feel the need to marry women that have no dignity and that cook and clean for free, begging for a miracle. That is the WRONG approach. Men like the chase and the intrigue, he is not chasing you honey, you are always there with dinner ready and his laundry done. This is boring to a him! You are NOT his wife, so stop doing everything for him. He will not appretaite it and you are just shooting yourself in the foot.

Have some dignity and leave him. If he appretiates you he will ask you to marry you. You have to tell him that you have waited enough (5 years!!) and that your relationship is going nowhere. Tell him that you wish to get a commitment and if that is not in his plans then is not fair to you. Tell him that you have paid your dues and if you are not appretaitaed, someone else will.

Don;t waste more time. Youa re still young and have no time to waste.

Good luck

Answer 9

At the end, you say you question whether or not he feels the same way you do about wanting to get married and have a family. But at the beginning, you say, "He says he doesnt believe in marriage and does not want to get married ever." So he is telling you he doesn't want to get married, but you don't know whether to believe him? I'm confused, because I cannot think of a single reason why he would lie to you and tell you he never wants to get married if he really does. It appears to me that you have your answer: he won't marry you because he doesn't believe in marriage. You should be thankful he is so clear and straightforward.

Now, you have a choice. Are you going to stay with a man who is never going to marry you, or are marriage and family important enough to you that you will leave this man to find one who shares your values? The ball is in your court.

Answer 10

It's time to have the serious talk. Lay it all on the line in front of him, like you did here...you're 28 and you want to get married and have kids, you're biological clock is ticking and you need to know whether to expect a ring from him by Christmas or leave and find a man that will give you what you want. You have to be strong and attach a deadline for him. I did this and it worked for me. I'm married now with baby on the way. Good luck to you. I hope he wises up and gives you what you want.