How do I tell my husband I want a divorce?

Question

We have been together for almost 21 years but only married for 8 years. We have 2 kids, a 20 year old and a 17 year old. My husband refuses to admit he is an alcoholic and has chosen a beer can over me. I don't love him and can't even stand to look at him and there definitely is not any sex in this situation. This has been going on for a very long time and I am very unhappy. Please help.

Answer 1

Have you tried counseling? If so and it's still a dead end, just serve him the papers. Luckily your kids are older and they won't be shattered from it.

Good luck to you. This is a tough one.

Answer 2

Realize something about alcoholics, hon.... they are already in a relationship, it just isn't with you.... and from this note, it hasn't been you for a looooonnnggg time.

Since he obviously refuses to admit that he has an alcohol problem , he probably would not accept counseling and AA. If you wanted to give your marriage a chance you could begin there..... But you might just end up in a big argument, and that hurts.....

"George, this booze stuff has been going on too long. Unless you and I get into counseling, I see no reason for me to stay, and I wish to begin to plan our lives as separate people......" In other words, offer him what he will refuse. The most civil way is to use a mediating attorney where you each agree what each of you wish.... if you get into a legal adversarial stance, it is only the attorneys that come up with the $$$ --- all of it yours and his......, each about six grand!!! and let him know that. Remind him that you and he can divorce civilly, or nastily.

If you're just full up to the top, move some of your stuff out, but don't abandon the house (it will be used against you), see a divorce attorney, the next morning tell him that "You'll be getting the papers today...I'm divorcing you." This last way, however means that you may be abandoning the house, and in so doing legally release any claim you have to it.

I'd suggest you sit down sometime when the guy is sober, and tell him you see no reason to go on, plain and simple.

Answer 3

I understand your frustration, I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 10 we have two young children and I have not been happy for years do to him treating me like im invisible. I had finally had enough and when it finally hit him that I might actually leave he promised to change and go to therapy. It is hard to love someone once you've become so resentful towards them. Maybe if he knows you are serious, he will change. Offer marriage counseling and through that you can address his alcoholism. It takes time and if you see no change, then you have no choice but to move on with your life. I'm sure that when he knows you seriously want to leave him he will change. You could even file for divorce and at least in CT there is a 90 day waiting period. Give him 90 days to show some improvement and if he doesn't then you are one step closer to getting out.

Answer 4

Setting him down to talk will do no good. So either leave or make him leave. But consult an atty. before you do anything or go anywhere. If your leaving or if your staying in the house there are papers you'll need to make copies of. Make an inventory of everything in the house, you'll need it also.
If your leaving I would suggest the following, rent a storage unit or find someone who will let you store stuff with them.
Depending on how bad a drunk he is depends on how you do the following. Start removing items he'll never notice that you want,family photo albums grandma's quilt, etc.don't be taking anything that's his heirloom, or gift, it looks bad on you in court.
When your done doing that make a list of the big items your taking, bed, table,washer,dryer, etc. Then on the day you file you call for friends to help you move, get out your list and get gone.
There's a lot more things for you to do, but this is the best I can do with the info you put out here.

Hope this helps,

Answer 5

maybe you should write a letter. it sounds like with your level of frustration, it may come out in the next argument & then all hell may break loose. i'd say write a letter and take him somewhere away from the kids & let him read it. this was you can get all your thoughts out clearly without him arguing or butting in. and it'll let him know you've thought this out &are serious. i know some people think letters are a cowardly way out, but at this point, you just need to get out, any way possible.

you could always do a dear john letter, & leave it for him but i'm not sure if he'll do something crazy upon reading it, as men usually do, especially after such a long relationship. good luck.

giving him the divorce papers face to face may be too much drama for you to handle. i personally would move out and then have him served. u don't want to spend a night in the sane house with him after he gets the papers.

Answer 6

Sit him down and tell him that you cant be married to a person who is an alcoholic. Tell him that he needs help, specifically AA and that if he goes you will support him, but you need to make a decent life for you and your kids and that life doesnt include an alcoholic in it.

I would also see an attorney before you speak to him, just so you know where you will stand financially in this. Divorce is never easy, especially when joint property & bills & minor children are involved.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

if you are unhappy, let him know...

perhaps he will simply let you go, without an issue.

you didn't mention whether he is violent or gets angry easily....

a therapist or minister can give you ideas. you could explain the situation in more detail to someone in person.

and since you have been dealing with alcoholism for such a long time, Alcoholics Anonymous or Alanon meetings could be another resource for help and advice. Many people who attend those meetings would likely have very good, sound advice for you in your current situation.

you do deserve to be happy!

take care of you... all the best!

Answer 8

Seems like you have your mind made up, so just seat him down....well is he ever sober enough to talk too? Well, I would try and maybe leave him a letter as well, just in case he does not remember. You sound like you are very sure of your discussion, just make sure you have everything in place and just tell him and get it over with....sooner the better.

And I am not sure how you will handle you divorce, but you can file for yourself if you dont have alot of assets, but you did say that you have been together over 20years. Quick story, I got divorced back in 1998 and I filed myself and went to court and handled everything. We had some assets, but I wanted out of the marriage so bad that I took all responsiblities for bills with me. I went to the library and found the state book about divroce policies and other things. Well, they have the forms in their that you fill out with youe attorney, who is charging an arm and leg. Well I just made copies of all the forms that pretained to our situation, filled them out and took them to the court house and filed for a divorce. They handled everything from there......it was really easy, can be done in one or two days at the most and cheaper......Total for me $100...........Hope this helps!!!

Good Luck and be blessed!!!!

Answer 9

Just tell him how you feel. You're not happy and you haven't been for awhile now and you want a divorce.

I wish there was a way you could work this out with your husband. I don't like giving advice on divorce, but my mom was married to an alcoholic (I was 12 and remember the nightmare like it was yesterday). I don't blame you for wanting to leave since he won't get help.

Answer 10

I would just make the plans to move out, unless of course you want the house. Then tell him when you're leaving. That's what I did, only my kids were only 3 and 5...took em right along with me. Yep, the good ole beer can...well, bottle in my case. Although we are divorced I have moved back into our home and we are all happy, I do refer to him as Hubby.
You could also attempt counseling, an intervention to address his drinking, or as I said, just moving on.

Best of luck to you.
Sandy

Answer 11

I think you've tried councelling and involving others into the matter.

If you've and he hasn't left any other option.

Give him a fortnight and live at some other place during that period. Tell him he is being monitored if he takes that option,give him time to get sober.

Take your kids in confidence, they deserve it. Tell them, it was not easy for you to leave him but for the welfare of all you are taking this step.

Leave him with no remorse attached, if he chooses beer over family.