Can you help me with this hurtful issue with my 14-year-old daughter?

Question

A year ago she, who used to be a good girl, got jealous of her lil bro, disrespectful and did bad stuff like drinking and joining bad crowds. She apologized and showed regret but was grounded for a month and didn't rebel. When the grounding ended she told us she was very sad cause she felt we didn't trust her. We, especially me, were still upset and were extremely harsh, probaly a mistake. I ended up telling the girl maybe I would never trust her again, I was really harsh though she was in despair. She got depressed, her grades dropped, lost weight, quit sports. My mom tried to help, told me without accusing we 'd been cruel and suggested the girl spend some time with her. She accepted and mom gave her what she neded most, trust, and she's been with her for a year. She like started living again, resumed swimming, great greats, a brand new and wonderful girl. Incredible how she got mature in 1 year. But she doesnt want to come back home, now it's her who doesnt trust us, shes scared

She doesnt hate us, but is kinda hurt and even shocked, Gets sad and hurt when she sees or talks with us. Says she's afiad she'll get hurt if she comes back home and pleaded that we let her with my mom, who's her angel. My God, did I mess up?

Answer 1

What did she have to be jealous of with her brother? What do you mean you were "extremely harsh"? She is 14, not an adult and you are responsible for her and to bring her to adulthood as a responsible person, why should she choose where to live when she made a mistake?

With that said it seems like something more is happening in your family than just your daughter's issues last year and grounding for a month. I would think she unconditionally had your trust until these incidents happened. Is that the case? Or were there trust issues before the drinking and bad crowd?

When her grades dropped, lost weight, and quit sports did you seek counseling for her?

I think you should get family counseling for all of you (mom, dad, daughter, son, with your mother) and have an experienced third party work out the issues and get your family back together and in a better place. Good Luck.

Answer 2

I believe you both were a little extreme on the issue and you both took it a bit too far, especially stating that you'd never trust her again.
Although a month may seem reasonable for her actions, when it was over, you should have stated to her that you know you can trust her eventually but she has to rebuild it. Your daughter took it to extreme by falling into despair and not really understanding why your trust in her was lost. By her going to another place only confirmed that your actions were over the top and that her actions were minor compared to yours. I believe she has to understand that her actions suited the punishment but your statement of not ever trusting her was said in anger and concern for her future life.
My daughter was in the same situation (coming home drunk) , among other intolerable antics. We also told her that the trust we had in her was gone and her actions hurt us. We always believed she was smart enough to know better and we questioned her as to why she did it. We told her that we loved her and hope she understood why the trust issue was being challenged. We never really grounded her but we did watch her every move and she was fine with that. We still don't have the total trust back but she has improved and we are still working on it. That entire year, was filled with more downs that ups but today she seems to have learned from the mistakes she made and is better for it. The trust is not all back but we hope in our hearts, she's learned from her mistakes and will make smarter choices.
Talk to your daughter and tell her that although you still believe the punishment was reasonable, your words or antics during that time were perhaps not. She has to understand that you were only looking out for her best interest and she broke your heart and that you hope she can understand this. Tell her you love her and are willing to forget about the past and work on the future with her. She has to come back home or you'll never get any relationship back. Your the parent, and we all make mistakes but own up to it, learn from it and move on.
I don't believe that the option to live with your Mother should have happened. It should have been dealt with counseling or compromise, your Mother should have never gotten involved in the first place. Today, it will be all that much harder to get your daughter back physically and emotionally. Your best to get some family counseling, clear the air and make new ground rules. The longer she stays at your Mother's, the worse off you'll be in the long run. Good luck.

Answer 3

I dont think you messed up that bad, what was she expecting, a smile and a pat on the back after her behavior, that would have led her to believe that everything would be ok. But when a teenager comes and talks to you in confidence like an adult, then treat them like one. So what I suggest is that you do something real personal with her to get her back into your life. Something where no one will intervene, go camping with her for about two days. just the two of you. Let her know exactly what your thinking and what every one else thinks, Let her talk to you about her problems but dont be judgmental and dont put you two sense in unless she asks for it. Shell see that you are trying and shell try to connect with you again. I dont think that shell leave her gramas house. Cause of the close bond, but atleast you will have a steady relationship with her.

Answer 4

I'm so sorry for your pain and your family's pain.

I have been so harsh in a scolding that I made my son cry, and of course I had to back off, regroup, and let him talk about his feelings at what I'd done. (I had this feeling like words weren't enough, I needed to get a reaction, and when I didn't, I kept using harsher and harsher words. I guess I lost my mind a little.) Still, I feel that the despair a child feels sometimes at loss of parental approval can be an important motivator to doing better.

Here's the deal - since your daughter was drinking at 14, she had problems well before you punished her. Kids without problems just don't drink at 14. They don't. This is a serious serious sign of a serious problem - like sexual abuse, concerns about mental illness, parents having marital strife, etc Kids only run with a 'bad crowd' because they want to, because the crowd meets their needs. They want the acceptance, the lack of standards, or they all share the same methods of self-medicating to cope with lousy parents. No kid without problems throws their future away on running with bad kids - kids who love themselves and are looking forward to the future just stay away from destructive kids. So, your daughter embraced them, because she was them, not because they turned her into them.


Her problems don't stem from her punishment, but may have been exacerbated by her punishment.

If your daughter doesn't want to come home, maybe she shouldn't. It seems like you don't really pay attention to her on a daily basis, you let her problems slide and then punished her instead of helping her.

Answer 5

I would say you did mess up. In my opinion, and i'm only a few years older than her (17), you are going to have to work pretty hard to gain her trust back. Instead of trying to get her to come back home, you need to go to where she is now very often and show that you really care about her. I'm talking go daily and spend time with her. Show her that you trust her and that you truly do love her. She will be very cautious for a while, but she will eventually come to her senses. Never break a plan to go be with her. Anything you say you will do with her, do with her. Otherwise it may end up that she, instead, will never trust you. I guess what i'm saying is, prove your love; trust; and devotion.

Answer 6

well im only 14 but i can tell you your not the only parent whos done this ... i live with my mother & soon to be step father & have nothing to do with my biological father.. with all of the kids in my imediate family i am the youngest of 8 & i can not even speak 5 words to my mother without fighting its only me & one of my sisters in the house my other full sister lives with her bf & rufeses to come home my half sister lives with her mother & my stepsister is married and has kids of her own my half brother is in the marines and my other half brother is in jail my step brother used to live with his mom where he is now i dont kno but our house is a very hectic place and none of us get along sence im the youngest things get pind on me alot or they just take there anger out on me... I have loads of drama @ schoiol & dont need it @ home either so i convinced my mother to let me leave the house but not to a relatives house to a boarding school this way i dont have to deal with relatives questions about whats going on @ home you see last year i live with my aunt but they questiond me alot & were way to strick i couldnt leave the house without my lil cuz because he was a boy.. so i moved back hopeing things would get better so im leaving again maybe your daughter dosent want to come back because shes afraid or a repeat of what happend last time

Answer 7

I dunno if this can work because im not even a parent yet but what you can do is that let her feel that you really love her. and you trust her in a way that the barrier between a parent and a child is still there.

or you can try by joiner her in her activities. pick her up in school. try to gain some love and trust.

Answer 8

you didn't mess up you did what you thought was right if she's happy where she is let her be for now try spending time with her first to rebuild that trust that was lost good luck and god bless you

Answer 9

That happens....it may seem hard to believe, but sometimes a parent's trust is the most valued thing in a girl's life...at least it is in mine...I think you need to let her choose where she wants to live....she deserves it

Answer 10

Ya know, this sounded strangely familiar to me so I checked back and I found the following question, posted by "Arthur" Does anyone else note the similarities and, perhaps, smell the same rat that I do?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqA7oXjeHpw4ZhfQ_t9u2akAAAAA?qid=20070307060238AAaVJph&show=7#profile-info-JUBX1aYTaa