who is more to blame when spouse cheats?

Question

The married cheater or the other woman who knew he was married. Or even the spouse who was cheated on.

john (fictitious name) and mary (also ficticious) were married a year but had been together close to 6. they had 2 small babies and mary breastfed and coslept. after the birth of the second baby their sexlife came almost to a standstill. they had it maybe once every other week sometimes not for months at a time. Mary was on depo and she said that killed it, even made her nauseas to the point she couldnt stand to have husband kiss, touch her. plus due to cosleeping and hubbys work hours they almost never had the chance to make love. he complained to her many times but she did nothing about it. a few months later on a 5 hour car trip he confesses to having cheated on her 4 times in the past 2 months. he apoligizes they move and start marriage counseling.
Other woman is an older family friend who wants to see them broken up. She has been after him for some time and is now pyscho

Answer 1

The "blame" lies squarely on the shoulders of the CHEATER! You can't blame someone else for indiscretion. It was that person's choice whether to cheat, or not!

Answer 2

All are at fault to some degree. The husband is probably the most to blame, but "more to blame" is lame. The husband needs to cut off contact from the other woman, completely. And I mean COMPLETELY. If he does not, the wife should call an attorney and file for divorce. The guy is obviously not serious about making it work. That said, the wife needs to make a serious effort to get more involved with her husband. It is not her fault that he cheated. Only he is responsible for that. But she IS at fault for letting their relationship wither away. She should visit her doctor immediately and take action to revive her sex life. The marriage counseling is also a great idea. The man and the woman need to talk, keep the lines of communication open, and they need to work together. If they do not BOTH put in the effort, the marriage is going to fail.

Blame is a waste of time. Do all that is necessary to fix the relationship. That is what is important. It is important for both spouses, and it is important for the kids. The other woman and her role are completely irrelevant provided the man does not contact her anymore.

p.s. The guy needs to be screened for STDs, too. If I were the wife, I would insist on it.

Answer 3

There is NO excuse,reason or justification for cheating ever.The spouse that cheats is the one to blame.The other woman involved is just a low life.Cheating is a conscious decision not a mistake or an excuse.There is no justification for cheating.I have to laugh when people say well I think he cheated because we were not having sex.Sex is not everything in a relationship in fact at some point in life sex goes away completely.People that base their relationship/marriage on sex never had a relationship/marriage to begin with.There are many way's a person can satisfy themselves without cheating.Just stop and think for a minute what if you or your spouse was in a accident and could no longer perform would you leave them because of it??When you get married it is "for better or worse".It is very natural after a woman gives birth not to have a desire for sex and if your husband truely loves you then he understands and is patient through that time.As I said There is NO excuse,reason or justifiaction for cheating ever.You need to have more respect for yourself and leave this man.Do not stay with him because you have children with him that is the worst mistake that parents make because in the end the children pay the ultimate price.Once a cheat always a cheat he will continue to do it how ever many times you allow him to.You need to stand up for self and your children and make it known that his behavior is unforgiveable.And as far as the other woman she is not worth your time because she is nothing more then pond scum.Also what he did is not your fault in any way he is the one that made the conscious decision to sleep with another woman.Good Luck to you.

Answer 4

Okay, generally speaking, I would say it's the cheating spouse that should receive most of the blame. I do say most, because both contribute to the problem, but the one that decided to solve it by going outside the marriage made the biggest mistake. Up until that point the two could work things out with some difficulty, but they wouldn't have that "biggie" with which to contend. The "other person" should be big enough to leave this mess alone, but instead chose to be selfish.

In your scenario, I don't see the reason to change what I've written above. Yes she contributed to the problem, and maybe even started the problem, but he chose to deal with it by taking it outside. Not a very good choice to do that to someone with whom you promised to stick with "for better or worse." Well, bucko, being cut off is pretty much "worse," but you made a promise. And with that promise you work through the emotional and physical problems of what comes with how to get the sex thing working more often again. Yep, he's to blame, then the wife, then the psycho that should have minded her own business.

Answer 5

More to blame? This is the concept which causes more problems with human relationships than anything else.

Cheating is a very complex action, but one thing is for certain. It is a symptom of a relationship in trouble. Not assigning blame, but the condition of any relationship depends upon the two people in the relationship. If the couple keep communications open and honest, there is no need for "Cheating." Some other solution will be found if they work at it.

It makes no difference if the split in activities is about having sex or eating Vegan or driving an automatic transmission versus a standard one, when communication fails, the couple moves apart. When communications are good, the couple grows closer together.

It is always best to solve problems and not assign blame.

Answer 6

It is the cheater's fault. I don't care what the circumstances are or how infrequently they have sex. It is NOT a viable excuse for cheating on your spouse...if things are so terrible that they feel they need to cheat, then they should file for divorce. Or at least get a separation. I get so tired of people blaming their adulterous affairs on their spouse. Instead of going to see a marriage counselor and actually communicate and work through their problems as a couple, one just goes out and cheats and then blames it on their spouse. Its pathetic and the only one to blame is the CHEATER.

In this case, where the other woman was a friend of the family...it is also somewhat her fault. Not only was she a close friend of the family, but she made herself available. Some "friend" of them family. But even if she was intersted in persuing a relationship with "John", HE allowed it to happen. Just because "Mary" wanted him, didn't mean he had to give in. No one put a gun to his head and made him do it.

John's wife should file for divorce and try to take EVERYTHING...including the kids and family pet.

Good luck to "John's" wife...and as for "John and Mary"...may they both rot in hell.

Answer 7

First I will say that it is not Mary's fault what-so-ever. However I believe that the entire relationship was doomed from the get go of things. There clearly wasn't enough communication, respect and love. If you love someone you should take the time out to work something out with them. Maybe set up a date hour for every weekend. Try to find a babysitter. If you love someone you make time for them.

Now this is still no excuse for what John has done. He should have been more open and honest with mary. Telling her of his needs and asking to set up a date hour or try to find anytime to spend with him. But he went to the arms of another women instead. He is guilty. If he loved his wife he shuld have tryed a little harder.

The other lady well.. She is guilty as John is. However I would say that John is more guilty due to being the man that is marryed to Mary. The man that fathered Mary's kids. The man who is suppose to love mary and be woth her and her alone. So I would hold John at more guilt but the other lady with guilt also.

From now on I would continu with the counseling. It may take years for the pain of this to go away and to build trust in the relationship again. However Mary and John need to try to make time for each other. I am a very busy mom of 2 young one's and my husband and I know that even as hectic as our lives are we must make time for 'us.' Thats what will keep a relationship together. A relationship is something that you must work at. It needs love, understanding, attention and communication too.

I hope all works out well in the end. Good luck

Answer 8

The married cheater is more to blame because he or she is the one who made the commitment to the spouse.when he married her,it was for better or worse sickness and health,maybe after the 2nd baby she has post partum blues.and he needed to be there for her to help out with children and comfort her.as far as the family friend she needs to get a life and stop trying to break up a family,if the husband is willing to undergo marriage counseling then he loves his wife and feels their marriage is worth working on,the other lady needs to realize that 9 out of 10 mistresses remain just that a fling or a mistake and the husband usually always stays with the one he married.

Answer 9

When one partner cheats it is usually due to problems at home. If everything was great, the partner would never even think about anyone else. I don't understand why babies are sleeping in bed with the parent(s). And I don't understand why the wife didn't make time for her relationship. Did anyone ever hear of babysitters? I think the key to any good relationship is communication... ("complaining" is also not communicating). It sounds like neither of these 2 care about their relationship, or each other.

Answer 10

lay the blame at the feet of the one cheating. Sure he has needs but to take it outside the marriage because the wife is to tired or whatever is still cheating. They need counseling and he needs to remember his vows. If she wants to save her marriage she needs to find a different birth control and stop the cosleeping fight for what you want or let it go. The husband needs to cut off all relations with the family friend, that is NO friend.

Answer 11

What exactly is your question? The only person to blame in a situation like this is the person who cheated. No one made him do it, and using her female problems as an excuse is just that - a weak excuse. He should have encouraged her to seek counseling before he cheated - not after. And the older woman, the so-called "family friend" should be dumped immediately, if not sooner.

Been there - done that. - wouldn't put up with a liar again.