We met on the job, my brother had gotten me the job and introduced me to her. He had told me about her (she was 22 at the time) that she had slept with a 40-year old fat boss of ours at a company party. i had taken it for what it was worth as he said he was "pretty sure" that it happened, of course she denied it, and the boss denied it as he was married. so after lots of drilling about that, i ended believing that she really didn't do it, as my brother admitted that he wasn't positive.
to make the story short, it ended up coming between my brother and i (we no longer talk).
about two months after our wedding, we had a fight, and she tells me the truth. She had a month long affair with him.
i don't know if i can trust her anymore, she has lied to me for so long about it. she obviously doesn't treat sex, and marriage the same way i do, or at least didn't. i don't know how to deal with this, i love my wife, but this haunts me like crazy...any serious advice is appreciated.
2007-03-13 22:15:43 · 12 answers · asked by icantremember854 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
more details that i hadleft out before...
apparently there are a couple more details that i wasn't clear on...
1)it was the boss she had slept with not my brother
2)it was my brother who killed our (bro and i) relationship, i tried just telling him that i didn't really care, but he kept forcing the issue
3) as far as the her history is her history... i agree, but, A) that doesn;t give her a right to lie about it many many times, and B)it ain't the having sex with someone else part that bothers me, it bothers me that she couldn't respect someone else's marriage, will she respect our's? in my eyes, that is like her condoning cheating
4) about everyone having skeletons in the closet...i guess i do, but they ain't sexual ones, and if asked by her, i would certainly tell, i wouldn't lie.
2007-03-13 22:16:16 · update #1
i agree with u. if she was willing to risk destroying someone elses marriage and lie to you about it...then y not risk her own marrage....i would have trouble trusting her.
2007-03-14 02:10:42 · answer #1 · answered by MomOf2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I have been married for 32 years and if she kept this from you who knows what else she has hidden from you. Did your brother mention the sleeping with the boss before she meant anything to you ? Had your brother ever lead you to believe he would say things like that to you for no reason ? Rumors at workplaces don't get started for no reason, did you ask anyone else at work what they had heard ? How long did you know this girl before you got married ? She not only slept with him but had a month long affair ? Well you better sit down and talk to her and I tell you what else, if your fighting like that 2 months after you got married, you need to sit back and re-think things. But you have to remember, her sleeping with him happened BEFORE you ever met her. You and her both had lives before you met and you know something else, it was really none of your business anyway. If you had not made a big deal out of it she may not have lied to you about it. If you liked her and dated her then what she did BEFORE she met you has no relevance. If her background was so important then you should have hired a PI and had Background check done on her. I would worry more about the fact she brought it up in a fight, just to be cruel to you, than the fact that she did it.
You think I'd divorce my wife if she told me she had sex with someone on the hood of a car when she was 17 in high school before we met ? You kidding me ? after 32 years of wonderful marriage ? I'd just laugh. If the rumor itself bothered you why did you even pursue her ?
But one last thing. Do you have any skeletons in your closet ? Let those without Sin cast the first stone.
2007-03-13 23:02:41 · answer #2 · answered by WOLFMAN 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Would you had rather she hadn't finally told you the truth ... ?
Won't you give her any credit for telling you the truth ? She tells you the truth and you can't trust her ?
What she did before you met .. is her business... I don't think she should have been questioned about or judged for it. And we call can make bad decisions.. she made a decision and had a month long affair .. BUT WHAT IS A MONTH ...?
Is your past flawless? Have you never made a mistake or a bad decision... ?
If i were you... I would Allow her her past life and give her a chance... don't allow the past to affect what could be a great relationship. It wasn't as if she cheated on you .. and she may now have a greater appreciation of what a marriage committment is about and won't ever do anything like that again.
there are no guarantees in any relationship, yours may sink or swim .. BUT .. please give her a chance,HER story is in the past... it belongs there...
if mistakes are made in the futuire .. they are the ones you should be concerned about .. NOT THIS ONE :)
2007-03-13 22:33:17 · answer #3 · answered by ll_jenny_ll here AND I'M BAC 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your wife was young when she had the affair. She was obviously immature at that time. Maybe she had mistaken it for love. When we're young, we do crazy things. We make big mistakes. These mistakes are what make us grow up. But most of the time these mistakes are too painful to look back at. I guess your wife wasn't ready to talk about it until after your marriage. Maybe it was only then that the wounds have healed. It shouldn't matter if she SLEPT with another man before your marriage. It's past tense. Hee hee. What matters is that you're the last man she'll ever sleep with.
2007-03-13 23:02:40 · answer #4 · answered by Angel 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If her past bothered you so much, try to talk to your wife again and let her know how you feel about the whole thing. The only solution is for you to accept her wrong doings and forget it and move on to the present. Tell her you mean alot to her and she should feel the same. Now it is up to you to really accept her. If you don't, I am sorry to say this is the end of your marriage because you don't have the trust in the marriage anymore. Best of luck.
2007-03-13 22:22:45 · answer #5 · answered by Ashley 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your an ***. Your problem is you couldnt handle the truth if either one of them told you to your face. Your own brother was damm if he did and damm if he didnt. If your looking for a way to get out of your marriage then use her not telling you about something that has absolutely nothing to do with you and her.
You kept on till you finally got your answer you couldnt let it be could you? Now do you feel better knowing all that you know now? You remind me of all these people out here looking for Barbie/Ken and they are not Ken/Barbie them selves.
One word of advice about your brother if something happen to him and you couldnt talk ever to him, what are you going to do then? Think of what could have been said?
If your brother said something then he was an *** for getting in your business. If he had not said something then he just didnt care. Why dont you just shoot him and get it over with.
You married a woman that was not a virgin and I dont recall her being a saint either. Do what you want with her! In my opinion I think she should get rid of your ***. Hopefully she will find someone that the past doesnt matter only the future.
2007-03-13 22:49:40 · answer #6 · answered by lovie12346 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i feel your anguish and I completely understand your perspective, but on her side, maybe she was embrassed to say anything and regrets what she did and it jsut escalated into a bigger deal then ever planned. I mean she still is young and finding herself. If it happened before you, then drop it, you can still question her morals on it, but beleive me, karma can bite some ***. As for your brother, he should never have said anything to begin with. What business was it of his to blurt it out. If he was trying to protect you, great, but since he kept pressuring you into finding out, what did he gain from that revelation? I am sorry, really i am. I can only speak from experience and you might agree, when you work with others on the job, you do develop close relationships especially when you find someone that you respect on the job and a friendship ensues and sometimes it crosses the line. as for her lying, if she hadn't been forced to spill it by constantly being asked, she might have come to you on her own accord. good luck.
2007-03-13 22:24:56 · answer #7 · answered by cariebear197 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said that you kept telling your brother you didn't care so why are you so angry? Because she hid it from you?
Well ask yourself this:
Do I love her?
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her?
Has she ever cheated on him? Do I trust her?
Can I forgive her?
Furthermore, she probably didn't tell you because she really was falling for you and didn't want to ruin it for a mistake she made. Some women are embrassed concerning things like that and don't want to advertise it, especially if they are falling for another guy, they don't want that guy thinking bad things about them.
She oblivously loves you and wants to be with so I would suggest you forgive and forget and love each other no matter what happened in the past.
2007-03-14 00:24:33 · answer #8 · answered by LC 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dude come on,,,,,,,everybody have their own history,
more you know about her past more hurt you are ( trust me )
she did it before she know you,what is your deal???
of course she lied to you at first place because she scare you will hate her,you won't tell her your bad history maybe you sleept with "HO" ( once again it's only maybe ).
Move on,,,,,and good luck.
2007-03-13 22:34:23 · answer #9 · answered by ALOHA BOY 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like the bro was jealous of u havin the girl...... ur either gunna have to suck it the hell up... i mean if she admited to u sleepin with him... and then u 2 not workin out and u runnin your mouth to the wrong people she coulda lost her job....... get over it peoples pasts are just that the past
2007-03-13 22:24:53 · answer #10 · answered by jingles 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋