We met on the job, my brother had gotten me the job and introduced me to her. He had told me about her (she was 22 at the time) that she had slept with a 40-year old fat boss of ours at a company party. i had taken it for what it was worth as he said he was "pretty sure" that it happened, of course she denied it, and the boss denied it as he was married. so after lots of drilling about that, i ended believing that she really didn't do it, as my brother admitted that he wasn't positive.
to make the story short, it ended up coming between my brother and i (we no longer talk).
about two months after our wedding, we had a fight, and she tells me the truth. She had a month long affair with him.
i don't know if i can trust her anymore, she has lied to me for so long about it. she obviously doesn't treat sex, and marriage the same way i do, or at least didn't. i don't know how to deal with this, i love my wife, but this haunts me like crazy...any serious advice is appreciated.
2007-03-13 21:18:02 · 18 answers · asked by icantremember854 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
apparently there are a couple more details that i wasn't clear on...
1)it was the boss she had slept with not my brother
2)it was my brother who killed our (bro and i) relationship, i tried just telling him that i didn't really care, but he kept forcing the issue
3) as far as the her history is her history... i agree, but, A) that doesn;t give her a right to lie about it many many times, and B)it ain't the having sex with someone else part that bothers me, it bothers me that she couldn't respect someone else's marriage, will she respect our's? in my eyes, that is like her condoning cheating
4) about everyone having skeletons in the closet...i guess i do, but they ain't sexual ones, and if asked by her, i would certainly tell, i wouldn't lie.
2007-03-13 22:11:14 · update #1
Your Q raised alarms in me. my owm brother had once told something like this about a girl, who after some months is going to be my wife.
but I had convinced my self that the story was just a mistake. but, your experience says you cannot count on your imagination. I am palnning to talk it over with her, but,looking at your episode, what is the surity that she will tell the truth.
Your answers are going to solve my problem also.
2007-03-13 21:29:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did the affair take place after you guys were a couple or before? She told you the truth even though it's was after the wedding, I am sure that's because she did not want to lose then and that is a good indication of how she feels towards you. I am sure we have all done things in our lives that we are not proud of and wished we had not done it. If she has moved on, then maybe you should to, for the sake of your marriage and future happiness. Difficult to do but not impossible and it takes time. Take your time to get over it but don't bring that into the marriage. Not worth it. Start on a fresh page...
2007-03-14 05:14:09 · answer #2 · answered by labrin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first thing that I thought of when I read your question was, why would your brother introduce you to her, knowing before he did so, about the boss deal and now make such a big deal of it?? Anyway, I think she was pretty embarassed about the whole thing, and she probably didn't want you to think of her as a homewrecker or think bad of her, since you all had just met.She ended up telling you after you were married, probably not wanting to lie about it anymore!! I understand what you mean about the lying and the trust, but I don't think what she did before she met you is any of your business, no matter what! You made such a ***king big deal out of it, drilling her about it, why would you ever think she'd tell you about it???? It sounds like you need to get a grip on yourself and grow some juevos, buddy!!!! She didn't have to ever tell you or admit it to you, that should show for something............... it should show that she wanted to be honest with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, now that you got what you wanted, the answer that you've been drilling her for, DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!! Haven't you ever heard that saying, 'Be careful what you're looking for, because you just might find it!' If you thought it was that big of deal to begin with, why did you even go out with her, just to get laid, huh?????? You are one insecure guy, you need to let it go, or let her go to find someone else!!!!!!!
2007-03-14 06:38:21 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What your wife did before you were married has nothing to do with your relationship now.If you feel like you can not trust her,then your right your marriage is based on a lie.If you want to and feel this marriage can be saved,got to a marriage counselor. What about your life before marriage?Have you told her EVERYTHING you have done???
SO she slept with her fat boss,it was probably just sex,and sex is alot different then love.She must love you or would not of married you.Let sleeping dogs lie,or you will wake up with fleas.
2007-03-14 04:29:48 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I say forgiver her, some people make mistakes that they wish they could take back there entire life! And sometimes those mistakes are hard to deal with. Since she did it before she was with you and the only reason she lied probably was because she was ashamed of her actions, I say give her another go around. You obviously married her for reason that mean far more than this. "I guess we lie to keep things on an even keel" (The departed).
2007-03-14 04:58:12 · answer #5 · answered by Ozzie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, everyone has a past and we can't do anything about it but move on. Don't punish her for finally opening up to you and telling you the truth. She was probably embarrassed, and she finally found a good guy and was afraid to lose you. If you can't live with that, then your marriage is based on a lie. Truthfully, it must have been making her feel guilty keeping it from you since she married you. n
2007-03-14 04:41:42 · answer #6 · answered by Nikki 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One of the best things someone told me one time was, "there is nothing you can do about the past, there is nothing you can do about the future, so make every second in the present as positive as you can. In other words, make the best of every minute and those minutes add up to a great lifetime.
Oh, sorry got off subject of your question. Sounds like she made a one time mistake, was to ashamed to tell you. Please don't judge her on that one incident. I am sure she regrets it as much as you hate that she did it. Don't make her feel bad about it, its over. Just continue to love each other without being judgemental.
By the way, have you ever done anything in the past that you regret or haven't told her. I think we all have a few little secrets we aren't proud of.
Best of luck to you and your wife.
2007-03-14 04:31:44 · answer #7 · answered by ginger 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If she had an affair with the Boss before she became your G/F and eventually your wife, then her past belongs to her regardless if your Brother had told you about it. This was her past, and it didn't mean anything in the scope of you two getting together and then married.
Now, 2 months after your marriage you said she had an affair with him. Now is the "him" your Brother, or the Boss that she denied having an affiar with? I get a bit confused there.
If she had an affair with the Boss or your Brother before you became a couple,......regardless of whom it was, she does not have to answer for her life before you met her. She may have denied it to look better in your eyes, but, she again does not have to answer for what her life entailed before you got together.
Your past belongs to you, and her past belongs to her. If you let what she did before you got together eat you up, then you are taking a destructive path and seems you are very insecure. Believe me, I was this way in my younger 20s when I was in a relationship, and treated my then G/F's past relationships as if she cheated on me before I met her which was unfair to her.
If any of what I said is on the mark, you need to get your thoughts together and rearrange them. You didn't make real clear whom the him was, and if a woman or even you chooses not to divulge about a relationship either of you had before you got together, then, you will only destroy and are destroying your marriage if it isn't over yet.
It is also a shame that you and your Brother don't speak. I hate to break it to you my friend, but, you have a serious jealousy streak in you coupled with a state of insecurity, and if your marriage fails, and you sustain this level of thinking, you will damage every relationship you ever get in based on this.
Why punish yourself over what someone may have done before you became invoolved with them?
You are pushing your wife away and have already pushed your Brother away, and it seems that you are the center of your own demise.
Again, I am basing my feedback based on what you shared, and it could have been a little more clear.
If she chose you and married you,.........get a clue! Wake up! What does that say? She may have had affairs or relations with others (just as I have before I got married), but, she settled for YOU! What more can you ask for?
People have to and should try different people in their life before they choose their companion. Almost everyone of us has done so. But, once you have chosen each other that suggests a very sobering reality doesn't it?
Remember, we all have pasts, and they belong to us. I would suggest you focus on the now, and the future. If you spend all your energy focusing on your wife's past or her life before you became her #1, then misery accomplished! You are destined to a long life of misery because you chose to think and focus on areas where you have no business to do such.
Believe me,.......I share this from EXPERIENCE. I made the very same mistake once in my life as you shared here. And yes, you are making a huge mistake IMHO.
2007-03-14 04:47:04 · answer #8 · answered by The Sylvan Wizard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
fist of all why would you let anything come between you and your brother unless he killed someone you love or something terrible like that? second did you ever think that maybe in the heat of the fight she just said it to hurt you? but lets assume this is not the case. people do things in their past they are not proud of. often things they are ashamed of. and they do not want people especially people they love to know about these things. it sounds like this is something she was ashamed of. she knew that if you found out about it you would react well exactly like you reacted. i wouldnt have told you either. besides it is in the past so who cares? the only thing you need to focus on is the present and the future. you need to talkt to her and repair the damage done by the lie. you having a preblem with her having sex with an older fat man is your problem not hers. i bet if you go to a bar or wherever and ask around you will find people who cannot believe that she is with you because they find you very unnatractive. her past is her past who she slept with who she didnt is not important. all that is imprtant is your future.
2007-03-14 04:46:23 · answer #9 · answered by big_john_719 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have to remember no is perfect and past is the past.... yes she had lied to you, but she is with you and really you cant say she doesnt treat sex nor marriage the same as you, because everyone is different and that incident happened before you were married....and at this point all you can do is learn to trust.....
2007-03-14 04:27:48 · answer #10 · answered by Renee 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋