Help with 11 year old daughter. ADD? Behavior problems?

Question

My daughter has had reading problems for a few years. she just finished a tutoring program, and it has not helped much. I feel she has difficulty focusing and trouble staying on task. I fear she may have some underlying issue, but I also fear medication. OK problem #2... I have told her MANY times I will not tollerate lying, and I will always find out if she lies. Well, there was an insident today where my husband asked me if I took $40 from his dresser. Long story short, I found the $$ in my daughter's room. I confronted her with it and she lies to my face repeadily. The truth finally came out when my husband asked her about it. I am broken! I really did not expect that from her. Is this normal behavior or is something wrong? I don't need to hear any smart a** answers either, I feel like a horrible mother as it is right now.

No, i do not physically abuse my child. I have taught my children that if you tell me the truth, no matter what the situation, we will work through it!

Answer 1

I don't know the situation in your home but...

Both my sister and I went through this at that age, also. Neither one of us has ADD or ADHD.

However, I do have an intense panic disorder which becomes a learning disability when I'm "tested" on materials. Have your daughter tested by a professional. If the first answer you get is ADD, have her retested by someone else.

MANY doctors these days are saying ADD or ADHD when that is not the problem, its just the 'easy' first diagnosis. If you go to, for example, 5 or 6 therapists and they all say ADD or ADHD, then there may be some fact to that. But until you hear it from more than one, do NOT put her on medication.

Also understand that contributing factors to behavioral problems have been tied to diet. She may have some food allergies you're not aware of. Sometimes an 'allergy' or 'reaction' to a food can cause a chemical imbalance in the brain or body and this will cause what parents refer to as "Acting Out."

When *I* noticed these behavioral changes in myself as an older teen, I made my mother change my diet. (ie: she constantly was feeding us meat. I told her that I would only eat organic. Apparently I had 'reactions' to the chemicals and hormones they put into meats. When I switched to organic meats, the problems reduced DRAMATICALLY!)

Your daughter may also be going through puberty, if she hasn't already. There are SO many chemicals coursing through the body during puberty that kids have a very hard time focusing during this change.


As far as the lying goes.... let's be honest, guys. This isn't about "good parents" vs "Bad parents" or "bad kids" etc.

Do you remember when she was 2? What was her favorite word? Probably "No." Why? Well, she's trying to assert some individuality and independance. And the only thing she has control over is expressing her opinion when she's 2! She doesn't want Mac and Cheese, she only wants PB&J. She doesn't want the pink shoes, she only wants the purple shoes, etc. ANYTHING she can control, she will. Its a part of the growth and development process.

Well guess what. It happens again during what we are now calling the "tween" or "pre-teen" years. She's 11. Her entire life is controlled by someone else. She has no say in where she goes each day; she gets up, goes to school, goes from class to class that someone else told her to go to. Goes to any after-school activities, comes home, does homework, goes to bed and gets up to do it all over again. She doesn't even have the freedom to drive herself around!!

This is a VERY awkward age!! She wants desperately to be an adult and to have some 'say' in her life. But society doesn't have her in a position where that can happen. And its a really icky age- don't you all remember?

So the stealing, while it isn't a good thing, it is fairly common. Be glad it was from you and not from a store where they could press charges.

If her reasoning for taking the $40 is to do fun things, then she needs to be given a job where she can earn money. Things cost more these days and a $5 allowance (etc) isn't enough. Give her a realistic salary for her chores so she can enjoy her weekends with her friends. This is as much her "down time" from her 'work' (ie: school) as it is yours from your job!! She needs to be able to unwind and gettng out of the house for the movies, mini golf, shopping, whatever, is the best way to do that.

Your daughter needs to understand that taking the money was unacceptable. And she will be punished for stealing AND lying about it.

But she also needs to understand that if she has a 'need' for $40, then she needs to come to you in a GROWN UP way and express that.
And you need to understand the courage it takes for a kid this age to go and ask mom for money when all they REALLY want is to be fiercely independant.

She's 11. I did stupid stuff when I was 11, too. I Bet if you called your mom, she'd remind you of stupid stuff you did at that age, too.

Best advise I can offer you comes from years of abuse from a mother who did NOT do these things:

1) Explain what she did in clear terms. "You stole money from your father." This way there is no confusion.

2) Explain the relating punishment in very clear terms. "You stole $40. You're on restriction for 4 days. And while you're on restriction, you have to help me with extra chores to work off the money you took." Make her understand A+B=C. You did this___ and this is what will happen____ and this is why ___. Kids NEED this clarity. Don't talk to her like she's a 6 year old, that will only make things worse. But talk to her like she's an adult. List her "crime" and her "sentence."

3) Repeat for the Second offence. "When we asked you if you took the money, you lied to us."

4) Repeat the second 'sentence.' "Because you lied to both your father and I, you'll be on restriction for another ___ days. And just so we both agree-- restriction means no tv, no company over, no phone, no computer...(whatever.)"

5) Review that this is essentially 'Probation' since this is a first offence. If this happens again, punishments will be more strict.

6) FOLLOW UP WITH ENCOURAGEMENT!! "Sue, I love you and your father loves you. If you needed money, I wish you had come to us. We could have helped work something out where you could earn the $40 and you wouldn't have had to take without asking. Next time, would you please come talk to me?"

7) This is the most important: Once your daughter has completed the punishment, LET IT GO! Unless she mentions it again or commits the same 'crime' again, don't harass her about it. Don't keep bringing it up, etc.
My mother still brings up things we did when we were 7 or 8. My sister and I can't trust her; we can't talk to her because we know whatever we say, she will just give us a laundry-list of our faults. We do not speak with her unless we have to because of this trait. It has RUINED our relationship. Please please.... just let it go.
PLEASE learn from our miserable childhood- please LET IT GO!! While you may still have it in the back of your mind and I know only time will change that, please do NOT break the trust your daughter has for you by reminding her ever-again of what she has done to dissapoint you. Just LET IT GO!!! Unless she does it again, don't mention it. I pray, if nothing else, you'll take my advise on that.

I wish you the best. Let us know what happens. Feel free to drop me an email if you need a chat. I'm not your daughter's age by any means, but I'm closer to her age than you are, I'd bet, so I can offer you a different perspective.

Answer 2

First, on the ADD...my son has it and I was told to get him tested and put him on meds. I'm not a meds person...and have the doctors actually taken these pills themselves? I have. They are like speed and then when you come down its like a constant brain shiver! I knew that it was more of a problem for the teachers than my son...so I didn't care at school. At home, I just kept checking on him and sat with him when I needed to.

The lying has to have consequences - huge ones. My youngest son was really good at lying. However, he lied to some people but not to others. I think that as his behavior and he quickly broke it when the punishment wasn't worth the lie. I also showed him through the other two kids - tell me the truth and I'll live through it - and so would he ;-).

I know you feel horrible but don't. I know...not working that I tell you this - you'll still feel horrible. Really, all parents go through this feeling and we all live through it.

As far as your daughter in general with all that's going on - it sounds like something underlying is really going on with her. In today's world what's underlying can be really serious. If the two of you talk openly, talk with her and ask her about what's causing this. Most kids will fess up unless its real serious like sex or drugs.

Next, consider counseling. Not that she's bad but first, she's a girl getting ready for puberty, she's lying and the lies are pretty big and a pretty big deal - what's an 11 year old need $40 for? Also, consider talking with the counselor yourself. They can't tell you what she says but they can help you understand teenagers better so you can communicate with your daughter and not go nuts by the age of 12.

And last...I found out this only lasts until they're 20 ;-). Then, they convert back to their wonderful selves again! Good luck.

Answer 3

There is something very wrong, for her to be lying and stealing at 11 years old. When children are 5 - 7, they will lie and actually believe their own lies, as they struggle to sort fantasy from reality. When an 11 year old lies, there's a real problem.

What is the problem? Some kids lie because they are punished physically. Use of physical punishment virtually guarantees that your child will lie to you, because physical punishment doesn't teach a child how to act, but how not to act - and not setting yourself up to be hit is self-preserving and natural. Hence, lies when caught. If that's the issue, you move forward by having more respectful, useful discipline, eliminate and apologize for the hitting, and express your concern that she doesn't feel safe being honest.

Why would she want 40 bucks at her age? That's another concern here, it seems.

Another reason kids lie is when they are angry at us. Especially as you've established lying as such a critical issue, you've told her what she can to do get to you. Could she be angry with you? Could she be trying to ensure that she gets your attention?

Why do you feel like a horrible mother? Are there specific regrets you have, things you should address with her, or are you beating yourself up because of her missteps? Remember, kids aren't born knowing how to act, and our job is to help them grow right. This is not the end of the game, you're still raising her.

When my kids have violated rules, I've been pleased on one level for the opportunity for them to have consequences, to be shaken up, to look more deeply at themselves.

As far as school totally failing her, I find school makes lots of kids feel badly about themselves. Homeschooling is almost always a better option.

Answer 4

I know that this is a controversial topic, but my 7 year old son has ADHD and is only in the second grade. He was having a horrible time in school especially with reading and just in general doing anything that we asked of him. He couldn't even do his homework by himself and I dreaded it everyday. He is very hyper but has never had any behavior problems. We were not sold on medication and actually did not want him on medication, but we decided to try it. It has helped him tremendously! He is making straight A's now and is the best reader in his class. I think that you should definately have her evaluated and to be honest with you, I thought that there had to be something more wrong with my son because he couldn't follow the simplest instructions. You would not believe that this is the same child and we take him off of his medicine when he is out of school to give him a break. I hope this helps.

Answer 5

My son has mild ADD and we do not believe in medicating him because of all of the side effects such as heart problems later in life and so forth. I have found online a herb that has been helping him focus and help with some behavioral issues also. He even says that when he takes these pills he can focus better. The teacher says that since he has been on these he is doing much better they are from Native Remedies you can check their website and see if they are something that you want to consider. They are called Bright Spark and Focus.

Answer 6

I don't want to say anything wrong because this is a sensitive topic. The best way to solve this is by going back to the drawing board. Lets see, the best way for you're daughter to cooperate is if you don't 1) negotiate with her 2) do not threaten her. Rather use what is known as positive reinforcement. "If you cooperate, I will buy icecream." If you're daughther can't pay attention in school, don't be afraid to rule her with an iron fist. If it really isn't that thats your problem, then yes, she may have ADD, and you must look for professional help.

Answer 7

ok well. I'm not a proffesional but your daughter maybe just needs some motivation to concentrate. Like incentives. About the lying problem. Well almost every kid does it but 40 dollers. Did she tell you why she took it? If not try and find out. You might want to see a councelor no matter how much you might feal like a terrible mother you are still her mother and she needs you even if she doesn't know it.

Answer 8

You aren't a horrible mother, sounds like she has some problems that might be best addressed by a counselor, she might need meds but a good counselor will help you with behaviour modification techniques and other things before resorting to medication.

Answer 9

Your daughter sounds just like my sister who has add. Please try to remember that they can't help it. It's not anyones fault either. There are some add meds out their that are safe so, please try and get her to the doctor as soon as you can. You will be happy that you did. Good luck.