Am I a brat? (Its long...please don't answer saying that)?

Question

This all happened about a month ago, but it has been on my mind lately:

My mom and STEPdad sat me down for a talk. My stepdad talked while my mom wrote. Basicaly, they made a list of things that were wrong with me. It said that I needed to be more grateful, to have a *sanitary* room, and to respect them.

But the thing is, I don't respect them. And the "Disrespect" he's talking about isn't like slapping my mom or anything. It is more like asking WHY I can't go over to a friend's house. And besides that, they're making a list of things that are wrong with me for God's sake. And, not to mention, this was all during the ice day that we had and I was off school and should be outside playing in the snow. (I live in central Texas by the way).

So I was sobbing as he's saying all this, and then he said, "Do you have anything to say?" and I replied with something like "I'm not on drugs. I'm not pregnant. I don't get in trouble at school. It seems like all you see is negative."

And you know what he says? "Well, until we see something positive, that's all I'm going to say."

And there was this one time where the computer somehow got unplugged while I was at my dad's house, and he still blamed me. He said, "Do you think it is okay?" and I said, "Well, I don't really think its that big of a deal...and there's no way I could have done it..." and he replied with "I'm not saying you did it. I'm asking you if you think its ok."

I just don't want to be those people who feel sorry for themselves when they really have nothing to feel sorry for, and I do know it could be a lot worse.

There's a lot more to it, but nothing I could fit on here.

My stepdad has only been around for only a year, and I only talk to him when he tells me what not to do.

My dad only knows that I don't like it there at my mom's...all I said was "I just don't want to live there anymore" and he didn't make me talk.

And by the way my stepdad is a super-obsessive-control freak.

And my room isn't terrible, I mean it could definately be cleaner, but his definition of clean is making sure the books are exactly paralell to the desk, and the bed MUST be made in this certian way that takes twice as long as just tucking the sheets/ normal way of doing it.

And at the begining of all this talking he said, "I would have your mother talk to you but it is all pretty much coming from me so I would just like to be direct."

Answer 1

First, promise yourself that when you are married with children, you Will stay in a committed relationship with your husband and not even think about getting a divorce, having an affair or remarrying. Don't do to your children what has been done to you by immature and selfish adults in your life.

Your parents have put you in a situation that is not at all fair to you. You "visit" your dad and you have a "new man" in your own home.

However, you have to make the best of the situation. Be polite to your step-dad and just try to "go along" with things. Keep focused on the future and do well in school so you can go away to college. As for your dad, it sounds like he is under a lot of stress, so try to understand him too.

I wish adults would stop divorcing/remarrying and screwing up their children's lives.
I admire you a lot. You sound very mature. Keep it up and don't let things get you down!

Answer 2

Hon, that doesn't sound like a brat to me. I think it's terrible to make up a list of things they think is "wrong" with you. If you were having some serious problems and wanted to discuss the problems as a way of finding a solution, I agree that sitting down and discussing them is a good idea, but to me just saying, "this is what's wrong with you, fix it" is awful.

I agree, too, that it's sad that he's not seeing the positive in you. And there definitely is positive, so don't ever doubt that.

I'm going to say something that's going to sound like I'm playing devil's advocate, though, but please listen to what I have to say. I've been a teenager, and I went through a stage where I had a pretty decent attitude developed. I was a "good kid," too. I didn't drink, didn't do drugs, didn't get in trouble, etc. I also had sarcasm down for awhile. Sometimes, it's not just what we say, but how we say it.

When you say you ask why you can't go to a friend's house, do you ask it in a calm way, or in a sarcastic, angry way? If it's the latter, it's possible that your parents are misunderstanding you and taking that as disrespect. Even if you're not asking it sarcastically, some people would simply take the questioning at all as a sign of disrespect. Some people believe the parent's word is final, period, and not to be questioned, and questioning of any sort is direspectful.

I have an aunt who felt that way, and anytime she heard me question my mom (who didn't mind it and was very open and listened to me when I did), she would tell my mother that I was being disrespectful, and she couldn't believe my mother let me get away with it and that I was a bad daughter. Was I really? I don't think so. I think my aunt just had a different view on things.

Maybe you could talk to your parents about this and let them know how it makes you feel. If you don't think you can, try writing them a letter. I've always found that it helps me control my emotions more to put something in writing. Let them know how it makes you feel, and that you don't mean to disrespect them, and that in the scheme of things, you're not a bad child.

Perhaps you can agree to make some concessions, as well. For instance, if they think you have a messy room, then you can agree to clean your room once a week, or maybe put clothes in a hamper, or whatever the situation is. But tell them, too, that it hurts you to that they only see the negative in you, and if you're willing to do some of these things for them, then maybe they could see the good in you as well.

And you know what? Maybe you should try writing a list of all the *good* things about you, too. You dont' have to show them, but just so you know.

Our parents aren't perfect, honey. It's sad, but true, and they make mistakes as well. They probably think they're doing what's best for you. Just be as open and honest as you can, and don't ever let anyone tell you that there's nothing good about you, because it's not true.

Answer 3

First of all, your step-father is not your father and has no right to discipline you or talk with you like he does or is. If he'd been in your life since the age of 2 or 3 or even under 5 - its a totally different story. Then, he shares a fathering role. But, this isn't the case with this man.

Every parent must - must - must tell their child the good. That's part of being a parent.

My husband came into my son's life at the age of 12. My husband knew he couldn't discipline my son - I'd never have tolerated this and your mom shouldn't either. My husband was there for my son and more than his own father, however, he was not my son's father and we all knew that. Still, its a fine line.

Your step-father has no idea what he's doing. Not that he's crazy but he is out of his element on this. Its not easy walking into a family and being normal after a year. It takes about 3-5 years for blended families to make it normal. Your's has only been going on for a year....so you have time left, if you have the patience.

What I would recommend is that you talk with your mother - without your step-father. Go for a ride in the car, go to the mall or go for dinner or lunch...just go with your mom and talk with her about your feelings. You know your mom and you'll know if she's on board with all this or not. Ask her why she's willing to allow her husband to be like this to you. Does she know it hurts you?

Then, talk to your dad as well. Its a lot to change custody so right now you want to talk about what to do while your there.

Lastly, your mom and dad (not step-dad) should discuss going to family counseling together and separately for all 4 of you - including your step-dad. You can have you own sessions and nothing you say, unless you threaten to harm yourself, is told to your parents but the therapist will talk to all your parents. A therapist is very good for blended families. You'll find it a life-saver.

You had a lot to say, I'm glad you got to say as much as you did. If you ever want to talk more, just e-mail me through this site. My son is now 24 years old and doing really well and has a close relationship with his step-father but only because we handled it right from the beginning. Good luck and no, you are not a brat at all. You don't do drugs, aren't pregnant and keep your room pretty clean. That's totally cool in this mom's book!

Answer 4

As a stepmother and a stepchild myself, he made a grave mistake. All directions, punishments etc. should be made by the biological parent. The stepparent should serve as a sounding board and support for the bio parent. The only difference is if the stepparent is in a position to have to parent, such as my case, I stay at home while my husband works therefore I am the adult in charge. But if anything major happens with my 13 year old step daughter, I allow him to handle it when he comes home.

I am sorry that you are being subjected to all the negativity. Blending families is very difficult for all involved. Could you try to talk with your mother in private about this? The 3 of you could probably benefit from some family counseling. Maybe he is unsure of what exactly his role in your life is to be.

Answer 5

I know how you feel. There's just no pleasing some people. Unfortunately some of those people have kids. Say thank you fot the constructive criticism. And then sit down and make a list of things you think they could improve upon. Just because they are not very positive dosent mean you have to be negative. Its just something you will have to learn elsewhere.

It is really not that bad though. They are not abusing you. It seems like you have a stable home. You will just have to learn how to get validation from yourself. Dont reflect their negativity.

Answer 6

I found myself in a similar situation...only from the step-parent's side. In my case, I only mentioned cleaning their rooms when the whole house started smelling from the dirty laundry and food growing mold. I am CERTAINLY not saying this is your case, I just wanted you to know that I can kindda understand where your step is coming from.

Now, for your situation...no one has the right to only dwell on the negatives of a child or a step-child. There is good in everyone, and it seems to me that there is a lot of good in you! I don't think that confrontation is what is called for. I think this would only "prove" to your step that he was right (in his own mind). Nor, is he the type to seek or accept counseling. Are you on your father's health insurance? Can you get counseling? With professional help I think you could find a way to communicate with your step so that he thinks he has "won" but you still get to keep yourself and your sanity. As for your mother, she is most likely so desperate for a relationship and help with the bills that she is afraid to go against your step. Forgive her and love her. She is only doing what she thinks is best in a difficult situation (for herself and you).

Finally, YOU ARE NOT A BRAT. Just a teenager trying to make a life for yourself and your family. You have shown great courage to post this question (not to mention maturity). I wish I could give you the hug you deserve. If you need me, you can find my e-mail.

Lockesmith

Answer 7

Sam

I am a parent i have 4 kids of my own and a foster daughter
what i have read sounds normal family problems (step parent) your not a brat your a teen and you don't sound disrespectful to me but keep your room clean its just healthier and you can find things easier

i do not think your sat father should have been the one to talk to you step parent do have a right to discipline step kids to a point but it just was not his place to confront you like that

what does your father have to say about all of this ?

Answer 8

no ur not!

they made a list of things that were wrong with you?! and "sanitary room"
god that is pathetic lol


try doing the little things they want from u (even if u think they're wrong) and i think they will apperciate the effort.

o, and parents don't know what it's like to get a day off school, so my guess would be that they didn't choose this day on purpose (personal experiance)

Answer 9

Sweetheart.... your just normal... I think most adults would tell you that they can look back and admit they were disrespectful, untidy teenagers... and most parents can look back and wish they had dealt with their teenageers better..

Can I tell you the truth... I was a nightmare teenager haha.. I would have made you look like an angel... but....now I'm a mum and my son drives my crazy...!

Honetsly, we are all human including us parents... I bet they will be feeling bad too... most days I wish I had dealt better with something my son has done.

Nothing you say is unusual and one day you'll all look back and laugh so go enjoy yourself and remember adults are human too and feel everything the same as you do.

Answer 10

SOunds like they may be a bit hard on you. Keep a low profile and don't get into any trouble.


Howver, I think they should say something good to back up the bad.