Do you think parents' beliefs and experiences about marriage influence their children?

Question

Just curious...I was having a conversation with a friend on the subject the other day. Her mother married young and divorced early and advised her children not to do the same. She told them that it was better to wait til they were older and had their life established by themselves first. Her siblings have followed this advice and she plans to as well. I'm currently somewhere in the engagement process(we've set a wedding date, but formal engagement in June) so this has sparked some curiosity with me. My parents married young and have been together 25 years and never really left the "honeymoon" stage. My boyfriend's parents married even younger and have been together 21 years. We have made the decision to marry young. My parents never advised of a particular time, but rather that when it was right, I would know. But how much is a child really influenced by their parents views and experiences regarding marriage? All opinions on the subject and experiences are welcomed :)

Answer 1

Whether we want to admit it or not, just about everything a parent says or does influences their child's life in one way or another. I come from a large family where my parents married young and right out of high school, till death do you part, was literally meant...till death do you part. Each and every one of my siblings did the exact same thing, as did I. Do I try and push my beliefs on my children? No. In fact, most of the time I tell them exactly what your friend's mother told your friend. "don't make the same mistakes we did". And as much as I'd like to think they'd heed my advice, I know they won't. Reason being is that, they see their parents overcome so much adversity and remain happily married. They learned the "don't give up" attitude from watching how we live. I can talk until the cows come home, but children learn from experiences they can relate to...not always the words they are told. Which means "if mom and dad can do it...I can do it" would more than likely be their motto.

When it comes to you and your friend....the difference is in the upbringing. If her mother was plagued with so many problems and viewed her early marriage as a mistake, she probably spent her whole life beating that lesson into her children's minds. Where as your mother, probably never divulged any problems regarding her decision to marry early because she didn't want to negatively influence you against the sanctity of marriage. When the right one comes along, they come along. There is no sense in standing there hoping another bus pulls up, or waiting for the perfect time to get on that bus. That's what is so great about life. Those who live it...really live it. Those who choose to "wait", are merely just watching it pass them by. Don't second guess yourself sweetie...if he's the one, marry him. Something tells me you've had the upbringing needed to make it work. Now go and hug your mom...she's a wise woman.

Answer 2

There has actually been research done and one of the main factors to whether a person will end up divorced is whether their parents were divorced. Obviously, that doesn't mean everyone will follow what their parents do, but there is some indication that if your parents continued to work on their marriage and happiness with each other that you will have learned some of their tricks and your marriage will have a better chance of being successful.
My parents married at 21, they've been married almost 35 years. When I was younger my mom used to say "don't get married as young as I did". I thought she was crazy, I thought it was romantic. Now I know what she was talking about. Make sure it's the right one, make sure you've experienced life and things you couldn't do while married. My husbands parents are still married also, which, I think means we'll be more likely to work out our problems than just give up. Good luck!

Answer 3

My grandparents got married at 20, one was married for 47 years (until one died) the other side for 41 years, until one died. My parents got married the day after college graduation, mom was 22, dad 21, and will be married 36 years in June. Their opinion is one of the advantages of getting married young is that you grow together. I also think that people who wait until later in life to get married can sometimes have trouble adjusting to sharing space with another person-they have lived on their own for so long, doing things their own way, that change can be very difficult.

My brother was 23 when he got married, I was 22, my sister was 21, we are all still married. Yes, I do believe that family history plays a roll in this, but I hope that divorced parents doesn't mean the chances of success are lower, since my husband's parents are divorced.

Answer 4

I agree with your friend's mother, that it isn't a good idea to be totally dependent on anyone, because life is life. I see nothing wrong with getting married young, as long as you both can take care of yourselves if you ever need to.
My Mother died when I was almost 9, leaving 4 kids, with me being the oldest. It was tough for my Dad. My Grandmother helped a lot. Dad married 5 times, trying to find the right person, and stayed married to his last wife over 30 years, she passed
away in 2001. This happened to be his childhood sweetheart.
I on the other hand have been married and divorced twice, so...
Good Luck and have a happy life with the man you love.

Answer 5

I think the extreme examples are always quite influential.

Really great marriages are definitely going to help a child learn the best ways to successful relationships.

Really bad marriages help kids avoid the same pitfalls, hopefully.

I don't know if the average marriages, and amicable divorces have as much influence, but everything a child sees and hears growing up is bound to have an impact to some degree.

Congrats and best wishes for as happy and successful a relationship as your parents and inlaws :D

Answer 6

yes, no, hmph. My mom was 16 and my father 22. They divorced after 12years. Mom remarried a couple years later, celebrating over 30 years next month--same with my father. My brother married his college sweetheart and they've been married over 20yrs, 8 kids.
I'm getting married a 5th time this summer. I have four kids, three different dads (no more kids in my future).
Two different sides of the spectrum raised by the same parents.
Just never know.

Answer 7

Yes children are influenced and learn from things that their parents do and how they live. Yes they choose to believe what they want but usually they learn from the parents. This is why it is so important to be happily married and stable in front of your kids and to be positive about marriage and life with them. being stable is key for kids . We need to leave a positive legacy and heritage for our kids to follow as they get older and have families of their own.

Answer 8

i'm no racist but when i was young my mother told me never to marry a black man. as a young person i was disgusted by my mother's harsh comment which was hateful, in my opinion. i was never attracted to a black man, still aren't but i think it is because of the way i felt my mother put it in my mind. i mean, i have black friends and all, i have no problem with most people as a matter of fact but that always hits me.
my parents married young, at 18!! a lot of people in the mid 70's in our small town married in high school. my mother had four children by the time she was 23. so when i was pregnant at 20 i was like my mom can do it, why can't i? so yeah, i think parent's experiences affect their children's.

Answer 9

Yes. And children emulate their parents marriage pattern instead of learning the mistakes. Kids of failed marriages are usually divorce prone. Divorce may well have a genetic trait.

Answer 10

Of course... as are their thoughts on politics, religion and morality.... for good or ill, the first 6 years of a child's life are the most important. Everything after that is down-hill.... ask any counselor