Opinions on poem?

Question

An ocean begins to form in front of me
drop by drop it expands
it grows
the lines start to run
faster and faster towards the finish line that is my penstroke

A soliloquy of laughter
heard only by the frightened inner child - an audience

A smile crosses his reflection in the salt water pool
The soliloquy that is my laughter cuts out.
The crowd that are those I chose to surround myself with
chime in.

Invisible voices pounding 'gainst my head
I yell stop
Back to soliloquy.

My paper's been destroyed.
Converted with the writer's tears from not-so-blank canvas
to a blot of unreadable writing
to a blot of ink in an ever-growing puddle of tears.

I see myself in the salt water pool cumulating on my desk;
Just me
Yelling stop
In a soliloquy.

Constructive critisism please. I'll take it back and rewrite when I've gotten some.

Answer 1

Excellent imagery. I would reformulate the way it is presented, though. The longer lines, I think, coupled with shorter lines, are harder to soak in... For instance:
An ocean begins to form in front of me
drop by drop it expands
it grows
the lines start to run
faster and faster towards the finish line
That is my penstroke

A soliloquy of laughter
heard only by the frightened inner child -
An audience

A smile crosses his reflection in the salt water pool
The soliloquy that is my laughter cuts out.
The crowd that are those I chose to surround myself with
chime in.

Invisible voices
Pounding against my head
I yell stop
Back to soliloquy.

My paper's been destroyed.
Converted with the writer's tears
From not-so-blank canvas
to a blot of unreadable writing
to a blot of ink in an ever-growing puddle of tears.

I see myself in the salt water pool
Accumulating on my desk;
Just me
Yelling stop
In a soliloquy.

Answer 2

umm, soliloquy refers to a converstation with yourself or God, without listeners, so anything going on in your head is a solioquy, so you wouldn't go back to soliloquy, also delete the writer's as you've already said its your paper and that we understand your writing it, so there is no need to restate that,l it breaks the flow. Also maybe work on that whole stanza, delete unnessecary words and doing better flow, so it reads something like "My papers been destroyed/converted by tears on a not so blank canvas/ to a blot of unreadably writing/ a blot of ink in an ever-growing puddle of tears." notice how i didn't really change the stanza just deleted some words and changed a couple of words, thats just a suggestion though, also did you mean accumulating, or culminating. pretty decent though, 7.5/10 l liked it, hope this helps, and sorry if i found rude somehow, or like a know-it-all, cause i'm not, but sometimes when your criticing someone else's work you can sound like that, but i don't mean too. ^_^ but this is what i'd like people reading my poetry to do for me, ya know, peer editing kind of thing. anyway, good work

Answer 3

My critical appreciation (spelling: criticism)
I guess it is a poem about the difficulties of writing when one is filled with pent-up laughter about the topic.
The oceans of tear-drops blot the paper inspite of the persona's inner resolutions.
The opening is perfect, but the lines should be more specific. The finish line in this case, is what the pen puts down on paper.
The image of the child as the audience captures well the idea of innocent, well-intentioned attempts to write when locked away in solitude. But the urge to burst out in laughter is overwhelming as the persona reflects about the topic -the crowd "I chose to surround myself with."
salt water pool- perfect image for tears but "cuts out" is idiomatic and you may want to unpack it. Ideally, a frightened child "smiles bemusedly" in this situation not just "smile". qualify the smile. Whyuse this gendered pronoun, "his reflection"?
As the persona tries to write and reflects about these funny friends, she again bursts out laughing and more tears drop on the paper. Hence, the crowd "chime in" is too soft. The laughter is sudden, and the writer shrieks with laughter and tears blot the paper. Think about "burst in" or some words that capture better this sudden interference! Chime in, has the effect of an organized choir with the solo and refrain musically chiming in.
These lines are quite effective:
"Invisible voices pounding 'gainst my head
I yell stop
Back to soliloquy."
The persona dislikes this interference and wants to continue writing in peace and quiet, but these invisible voices keep on playing little tricks of tickling the writer/persona. Yell, as deployed, is indeed excellent here. 'gainst as contraction of against is excellently used and captures the writer's shrieks of laughter and has the effect the word cannot even be pronounced properly/adequately except as a contraction.
Yes, the paper on which she was or better, intended to write on, has been destroyed with the ocean of tears which have made it unreadable not because of ink from the penstrokes but because of this "puddle of tears"!
"cumulating"- cumulative or accumulated? Well I see my reflection in the tear-drop puddle that has accumulated/formed on my desk as I continue shouting(yelling) alone in privacy, yelling against these overwhelming voices to stop their ticklish tiddlywinks and tear-jerking re-memories!!
Excellent poem if my interpretations suggest a possible one reading.
Good luck

Answer 4

I am a pretty simple person, so some of the nuance may be lost on me. I believe your intent is to communicate that originality and personal expression is sometimes suppressed by the expectations of others around you. Interesting that you would look for constructive criticism, if that is the poems intent. In any case, I think your style and use of words is very good. It is thought provoking and I tend to think you are a gifted poet. Keep it up.

Answer 5

very nice visuals and the opening is fantastic but I kept getting lost when you started talking about your pen and paper. From what I could tell, you are in an ocean created by your own tears, after that I'm not really sure what you are trying to say.

Answer 6

It's excellent. I would suggest using "against" as the rhythm is a little better. Otherwise, I wouldn't change it. I've had ten poems in my college literary journal.

Answer 7

i think it is nice! but don't post things like that on the web because some one might take it as thiier own!

Answer 8

it's pretty good. it might be more attractive if it rhymed, though

Answer 9

very nice --I really liked it