When small things matter... advice please!?

Question

When I ask my husband to do or not do simple things, he agrees and then does it anyways. He "forgot."

These things range from really big to little. But it's the little things that keep mounting by the thousands.

Some examples...

I asked him not to wash my car with the wondow washer at the gas station because it scratches it all up pretty bad. He agrees and then will do it again and again. (Doesn't everybody know this scratches the car anyways?)

I ask him not to stack plastic cups when they are wet, they grow this hideous black mold in them. He agrees and does it anyways.

What is this?!?!? Any advice?

Thanks in advance!

Answer 1

It sounds like he's a bit selfish, and really only thinking of himself.

I used to be that way, my wife would ask me to do things or not to do things, and I would do just the opposite of what she asked me.

Guys, those little things matter, like helping to clean the house, doing dishes, doing laundry. Things like that.

I know to my wife, those little things mean more to her than me giving her gifts, and flowers, or even saying I love you, because I'm showing her that I love her by helping her.

SubJ, makes a very good point, tell him that you appriciate what he does. And what it is that he's doing that you appriciate.

Answer 2

I have been married for many years and have also repeatedly asked my husband to do simple things like scrape the leftover food from your plate before you put it in the sink, etc., etc. Everywhere he is, there is (his) clutter. I have very little kitchen counter space, and his pill bottles take up quite a bit of space. and his little cups of medicine for AM, Noon and PM often get knocked over and pills scatter. He makes a mess in the bathroom and leaves things all over the place. Sometimes he listens, sometimes he doesn't. When he washes the dishes and puts them in the drainer to dry, I just examine them before I put them away and rewash any that are not clean. I'm thankful he is helping. I'm also thankful that he is still around because his health is very poor. Doctor even told him it was up to God how long he would live. That is important! What I have learned is to let the "little things" go. How important are they compared to life-changing things like job loss, poor health, adultery, divorce, death of a loved one? Things could be so much worse. The stress that (I would imagine) keeps mounting is harmful to your/his health and to your marriage. I know these things are extremely annoying to you but probably not to him. He probably doesn't even think they are important. I would throw away the moldy plastic cups and keep buying new ones. I would not let him wash my car. How much time do you save by asking him to do simple things that you probably have to redo anyway? Anything I could do better, I would do myself. I would imagine that you resent your husband for ignoring how badly you feel when he "forgets" all those things -- like what you are saying is not important to him. If you can't manage to let these things go, since they are "mounting by the thousands", perhaps you and your husband could seek help from some kind of a counselor. An uninvolved third party to help you both come to some kind of compromise and/or mutual understanding. Hope things get better for you.

Answer 3

He may feel like you are nagging. If you show a little more compassion towards him, he'll show it towards you. Things that we think are simple requests, they see it as nagging. He should be rewarded and thanked for washing your windows, not hear what a bad job he did. When he stacked the cups up while they are wet, tell him how much you appreciate him doing the dishes, then when he leaves the room, un stack them. Start seeing the good things he does and praise him for it, then he'll treat your messages with more respect. Trust me, I've been there and had to suck it up and give in and things are a million times better.

Answer 4

I consulted with my guy on this, and his advice was, after some thought, he said pour your man a drink in a plastic cup that has the mold in it. Then, take his car to the station and use the scratchy thing on it.

There you go - straight from a man!

My advice - use sugar rather than vinegar. Try the old "Gee it really gets me hot when you dry the cups before you put them away.." kind of thing. Works like a charm.

Answer 5

I've been married twice, for a total of 13 years. This is standard behavior for men. I love my current husband dearly, but unfortunately there's little to nothing you can do about it.

Something that might help is to put a note (post-it or something similar) on your window that says: "Remember Honey...Don't use the gas station window washer."

As far as the plastic cup with the mold, let him continue to do it. He will eventually run out of clean cups and be forced to realize the err of his ways when he drinks out of a moldy cup.

Answer 6

As irritating as this may sound, consider yourself lucky that those are the only problems you have to worry about. Just read some of the other yahoo problems and you'll see that you really have it easy. Having said that, usually when people make a big deal about the little things in a relationship, it's because there are other underlying problems and deep-seated resentments that are gnawing at them. For instance, do these little things signify that you believe he is inconsiderate and insensitive to you in general and you are hurting?

Answer 7

Dear Me:

If you haven't tried already then why not start off by demonstrating to your husband in the kitchen how you would like to have the plastic cups stacked. Also, ask him to join you when washing your vehicle and say to him if he contributes you will take him to lunch when the work is done.

Telling and Demonstrating often have contrasting results.

Best 2 ya,

Answer 8

Do the same thing to his car. The moldy cups, serve him his beverage in them. Sometimes people don't believe you and they do things anyway. My wife is the same way about the laundry and loading the dishwasher. She gets all bent out of shape if I rewash stuff or change the way the dishwasher is loaded. When the dishes get finished I take her to the dishwasher and show her how dirty stuff is and the water standing in the dishes because they were improperly loaded. She gets mad but after several instances she begins to agree. Just draw the line. Do not let him drive the car and anyting else he does, undo it and have him redo it. Or just tell him not to do those tasks anymore. Its more work for you but things will get done right.

Answer 9

Although I can sympathize with your problem, as a guy, let me remind you that there will probably come a time, when your husband will not be around to do all these things that upset you. Remember that women outlive men, by five or more years. Cherish all the good things, and try and forgive the bad ones.

Answer 10

Girl, if you don't like the way he does things, you need to just do them yourself. Part of being mature in a relationship is to LET THINGS GO that aren't life or death. I used to be crazed when my husband didn't fold the towels the way I did, and I would re-fold them - (talk about controlling!), but came to realize how STUPID that was. If someone is willing to do the work, accept graciously how it is done.
Remember to thank him profusely when he does stuff around the house, or for you!