why...am i like this..?

Question

uhhhhhh whats even the point anymore, let it just die. I feel like giving up, i dont care about school my grades my social life anything, not that i have one. i cant take this feeling, whats the point of wasting my hours looking for info to help me relax, reading self-help books, practicing like a hudred different things and yet i still feel anxious? and then practicing speech for like two hours which they say careful preparation reduces 70% of nerves and yet my nerves clearly leap out of my throat and make me sound like a weird sshaky dying person. WHATS THE POINT? And this never happened, I was always able to handle talking in presentation, couple years ago and now its feels differnet and my self-esteem is like dropped to 0. wahts the point. I practiced so much, I even felt more or less ocnfident. Why do they say, make a positive attitude and you will succeed if it isnt even true!? I made my body language relaxed and said good things about myself in my mind, I smiled, kept my chin up and yet still the damn adrenaline rushes come which I accepted and makes me come out in a panicy voice. i noticed someone smile, probably laughing at me inside. wahts the point of doing this, I did abdominal breathing, I stayed positive and took a kava kava pill. seriously whats the point of even buying it, it doesnt even work, its useless. And I have been pressing pressure points on my hands to calm down and exercises and I thought nothing could go wrong, and I lose control of myself. its just so unpredictable, its frightening. so then i could probably lose control one day and it will be so sudden and random and unpredictable, even though i was happy, it doesnt make sence. No one understands me. Let them have their bad thoughts about me, pity me, think what ever crap they want of me, or on the other side, dont care, see me as invisible, not notice, not care. No one likes me, not even me. I said "I love you" to myself the other day but I dont feel the same today. I thought I was confident but today I couldnt even speak, besides the wavery awkward words that I forced to spill. And all these nerves from one dam class, the other classes im like 12% as nervous as this one. Why? It doesnt even make sence, its like unlogical, it insults my inteligence. Then I must be stupid. No one even tries. No one like me. No one tries to understand me, to take an interest in me. They could care less. maybe its all my fault. Its all my fault. Im the one to blame for everything. I dont let anyone, I cant express myself, im a damn introvert, im totally insecure too. But today I felt good, I was nervous, I knew that was normal but I accepted it but then I learned it was all a big lie. I really wasnt confident. I was smiling throughout the day, trying to trick my brain; first of all it didnt work and it was a big lie without me even realizing it. i spent hours researching and memorizing the info. I was like an expert, my info was so important, more than anyone else in the class, and i managed only to share one small point, not even the meat of it, nothing. Just give me an F, just give me the damn F. Give me and F even though I spent so much hours went through mental torture preparing for it and then got humiliated with my statement i did make. I could have easily got a B like my previous year doing talks. I was good at it. No im not an obsessive person about their grades, let me to tell you that,I've always been a C student. thats not why im upset. I care too much about waht other people think of me. I saw a smirk from a person, I would too if I saw this weird person. This is not me..And now all this mental torture. From one class? No but this incident probably unleashed all my hidden emotions. I came home cried, could have cried for hours but I stopped because i dont want my eyes to become swolen which would make me more self-conscious and i dont want anyone to know i cried. Even though I have touchy-feely crap about me I dont like to share it with others, even though im yearning for someone to understand. Too many thoughts, make it go away.This is not me..its not me..I wish I could take a knife and cut out whatever it is inside of me thats making me so irrational and disoriented in a way. i used to be confident. Just this beggining of the year I made an excellent debate, the teacher said it was awesome, I felt good about myself. Ironically the years kept getting worse, rather than better like I thought. Freshman year I had my best friend, I was happy. Sophmore year at least I had my best friend for half the year and although I fought depression, I had aquaintances and spoke with ease. This year I feel different. I keep feeling unable to control these obsessive thoughts in my head. I feel more ignored, no friends, not even any aquaintances, nothing and I get obsessed with certain people who dont even really know me because again, im not myself, I dont know why I react to certain people the way I do. At lunch (alone as always) as I walked to the park, I looked up at the tree and said, "Just fall on me...just fall on me." I feel so invisible in school, whats the point of going. I definately have more style and tastes and am a more interesting person than my previous years but yet i am more insecure, awkward and lonely, and no one like me, not even me. And these obsessive thoughts have been circling around my head for the past hour. I doubt anyone will read all this or respond, I just had to get this down before I explode

I cant even talk to people about this, i have slight social anxiety and i find it impossible to tell people my innermost feelings specially if there embarrassing and painful like this

Answer 1

It's called depression. The best thing I can recommend is to stop looking inward and find a way to start serving others. I know it sounds weird, but it is true. If you are religious, find a way to serve in your church. Otherwise, find a service organizaton near you. Teenage years are the worst in my experience. Get through this, and the rest of life will be a cakewalk by comparison. Best wishes.

Answer 2

Your not alone. Try and really give it a try on the info. I'll suggest to you if you really want to free yourself of all negativity then listen up. This worked for me, my family, my friends, and millions. Start learning more about yourself. Your inner-being. Many people on this planet are so not in touch with them selves and become disconnected. Spiritually I found my connection and myself and everybody around me feel it. I too feel a sense of resolve in harmony and every day is a gift. I have not stopped learning more about myself,why would I? Sometimes it just takes that right person saying the right thing, or a book, or a video to spark a inspiring sensation for ones self to prosper from. So, just check this out first, a video called (-The Secret- THE SECRET.TV), and a book or CD of ( The Laws of Attraction by: Esther and Jerry Hicks). These kinds of teachings will help you in so many ways, even anxiety. Do yourself a favor, and save yourself like the many millions of other people have done.You have it in you, have NO doubt in that, we all do, it's just knowing how to apply it. Feel free to contact me when ever. There is so much more I would love to share with you. Start ENJOYING LIFE NOW !!!

Answer 3

In my opinion, gaining confidence means that you need to accept who u are and know that you will make mistakes. It may be hard to understand because you want to be involved with ppl. I say, more power to ya, but you have to be for yourself. Don't worry about other ppl, they are the ones who have a problem because they can't be different like you. They have to fall under a catagory rather than being unique.

Thinking with a positive attitude does work; however, you have to find yourself and be satisfied. I feel you maybe suffering from anxiety disorder, but DO NOT take this as your symptom. Try visiting your doctor to help you control or find out what is wrong... Wish the best for you and don't end you life. Remember the cliche: What don't kill ya, will make ya stronger. I know, cuz Im still alive...

Answer 4

WHOA THERE, SWEETIE, SLOW DOWN! - You have a big advantage here - you know what's wrong with you. Most people have no idea what's happening to them. You sound like you have a very analytical mind. Do the best you can and don't worry - the only thing anyone can do is the best they can. Just take it easy - sort things out one at a time, don't let this stuff knock you over. Don't let all this bullstuff beat you. Stay strong. Avoid going into a downward spiral at all costs. If you feel it happening - go for a nice walk and look at the clouds or stars. We are all just a fungus growing on this planet - don't be so hard on yourself.

Answer 5

WHOA!! You typed a heck of a lot. I had to skim through it sorry... so if I say something that sounds repetitive you can like kick me or something...

You sound unbelievaly stressed. I can kind of relate to how you feel... I feel horrible about myself, sometimes I wonder if anything is really all that worth it (not suicidally or anything). I wonder why nobody seems to understand me and I wonder why I have no confidence in myself or the others around me. Even my closest friends. Nobody talks to me in school really, and I'm so shocked when someone mentions my name. I have racked up a number of academic achievements (if you can call them that) yet NOTHING I do seems to help my confidence or my insecurity. I want to be confident more than anything, but when I try I end up hating myself more and I think I might be pushing everyone away...

I don't know if this is how you feel, but I know that's how I feel. I think if you're anything like me you're STRESSED out to the max and nothing amazing seems to be happening so you're convinced there is nothing amazing that will happen. You're pressured to succeed by everyone and you are terribly afraid of failing so you lose your confidence in yourself and you push yourself away from others.

What you NEED to do (As cliched as this sounds) is to open up and talk to someone. You have to take a risk and show yourself that life isn't as dull as you think it is. You need to confide in someone. You need to throw caution into the wind and do what YOU want to do no strings attatched...

I know how TERRIBLY difficult this is since I've been trying to do it for YEARS upon years to no avail. I wish you good luck in sorting your emotions out and I sincerely hope you do better than me.

Answer 6

Whether it is easy or not, see a counselor. Talk to an adult, pastor, someone. You say you care too much what others think of you. That may be because you don't care about yourself. You need help. It can change your life. I know from experience that counseling is more than a bandage on a scratch. Get help before it is too late.

Answer 7

first of all i am very sry, i have just the opposite. but there is a point, wihtout a good attitude you wouldn't have asked this question you would have gone into the alley and kill yourself. your good attitude has formed determination, and this determination has triggered a depressionish feeling, and just remember this even if you don't believe.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it

so just keep trying, and hey once you get out of school, you can get a job online and use email to converse with people. so you won't have to talk if you don't want to. see now there is a little bright side.

Answer 8

I hate to say this but I will....Everyone second guesses themselves at one point or another.You need to do things that put you outside your own limits.This will help you cope with the anxiety of failure.You MIGHT find something you enjoy that gives you purpose.Have you asked your teacher about this or someone close to you? Sometimes it takes someone close to you to make the difference.Situations change,people change,life events have different meaning with age,so don't give up....You'll make it because at least you try...Look for the positive instead of the negative.If it continues, ask for help...
Medically or otherwise...You won't regret it!

Answer 9

Im sorrrrryyy you feel this way! Please find someone you trust to talk to or seek some kind of therapy. I dont think you are crazy or anything but if you keep more things like this bottled up, you WILL explode. There is always a way out of EVERYTHING, just relax and wait for it. Patience is a virtue =) Good luck sweetie & I hope everything works out. Your not invisible, dont worry!

Answer 10

Just talk to people. You really need to go to a counselor or something. There should be one at your school. Just go there instead of class, it will be excused and talk to her. What are you shy of? Like, if you just smiled sometimes or said hi to people or something you could make friends easy. Don't you have parents? Talk to them or an adult about it. You need counseling or help, so dont be afraid to get it.