What do you think of the beginning of my story?

Question

The path is dark. It winds and twists through a thick forest. The only light to see by is the dim glow from the moon above, hidden behind heavy black clouds. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch fleeting glimpses of movement in the underbrush. I walk faster with each rustle of leaves, each "crack!" of a breaking stick. Soon, I find myself sprinting through the dark forest. With each pound of my feet on the hard ground, I hear the echo of a similar pound behind me. Is it my own feet? Or someone else's? I push the thought away and run faster. The pound of the echoes is getting louder, drawing nearer. Now it's only inches behind me.
That's when I feel it. A hand, cold like granite, gripping my shoulder. I stop in my tracks, skidding to a halt so fast I almost fall over. As panic overcomes me, I try to choke out a scream, but the frozen air around me remains horrifyingly silent. I draw up an ounce of courage and turn to see the face of the icy hand gripping my shoulder(C details 4 rest)

The first thing I see is the eyes. The piercing dark pupils, black as death itself, seem to cut into my very soul and draw up every emotion from inside me. They send chills down my spine and terrify me like nothing ever has. I try to turn away but the midnight pools stare with such intensity as to keep me frozen in place.

Fear rising, heart racing, I manage to slowly back away, not ever leaving the intense gaze. The eyes, almost deliberately, drop intensity, allowing the rest of the face to materialize. In an instant, I can see the face, and it takes my breath away. It is the single most frightening and beautiful thing I can ever recall seeing. Every feature is perfectly brilliant, creating the most stunning young man I have ever seen. Skin smooth as silk and the color of ivory, lips the color of blood, and those eyes. The young man has smooth mahogany-brown hair and dressed in all black. Surely, something this beautiful can't be dangerous.

The creature seems to pick up on my relief and the eyes appear to laugh. In turn the lips curve into a malevolent smirk, sensing victory. As the slight smirk twists into a wicked grin, I see the teeth; sharp fangs, gleaming white. Almost like, no, it couldn't be... a vampire? Preposterous, vampires are only a myth. And besides, such a striking face couldn't be that of a... monster. But, what else could explain the wolf-like fangs?

I try to run, but he reaches up and grabs my arm, grip like steel, to restrain me. He whispers in a perfect voice, warm and low, "Don't try to run. You're only making this more difficult for yourself. Stay still and, I promise, I will be gentle". Not sure how to respond, I nod, and he smiles. "Good, now stay where you are". I nod again as he pulls me a bit nearer. He leans toward me and clamps my neck with those pearly fangs. There's the sensation of ice stinging the back of my neck and I feel painfully lightheaded. Around that time, it all goes black.

I wake up in a dark room, in an unfamiliar bed, my head throbbing. "Oh, good. You've recovered". I look over to see the man with the striking face hurrying over. He continues, "I'm sorry. You passed out earlier. Blood loss, probably, or perhaps shock. Either way, you're better it seems. Do get up, love, there's probably some explanation needed here". He reaches out his hand to help me out of bed. I slap it away. "Where in God's Name am I?", I demand, stumbling out of the bed. "Look, darling, if you'll give me but a minute to explain, surely you'll understand", he pleas. I notice a glass door on one of the stone walls and run toward it. "Love, you aren't going out that door. There is a twenty cubit drop from the balcony to the ground", he says, worry filling his dark eyes. "I'll chance it", I say, opening the door.

I walk out the glass door and step out onto the stone balcony. Over the edge is a long way down to the hard forest floor below. I look at the lunatic staring from inside and decide to risk it. I crawl over the banister and begin climbing down the rough stone wall. I reach my foot down onto a loose stone which falls almost on contact. I scream in terror as I plummet to my doom. As I am about to hit the ground, I feel a pair of icy arms catch my in their hold. I look over to see the young man from before, holding me against his chest. "Bloody hell! How did you get out here?", I exclaim, wishing he would just go away, "What are you? Magic?". "Ah, not quite, love", he says, smiling superiorly. "Then what are you?" "A vampire", he says, nonchalantly, setting me down.

"You're crazy", I say. "I'm not lying, love. I am a vampire, and so are you, now", he says, almost apologizing for the words with his eyes. "What in God's Name did you do to me?", I demand, wondering what twisted reality I've fallen into. "Love, come inside and can explain. Please be reasonable, before you end up doing something rash", he says. "First off, stop calling me 'love'", I demand fiercely. "Well, then what am I to call you? You never did tell me", he smirks. "You may call me Christophe", he says. "Ellesa", I say. He takes my hand and gently presses his lips against it. "Ellesa. It is a pleasure to meet you". "I do wish I could say the same", I reply, sullenly.

"Now, Ellesa, may I take you back inside, and explain to you what's happened?", Christophe asks politely. "That depends, Christophe. Are you going to bite me again?", I ask skeptically. "Of course not. Not unless you want me to, that is", he smiles. I smile back, deciding to humor him. He continues, "Would you mind if I took you inside now, Ellesa. I would not want you to catch a chill or some horror like that. I will explain what's happened once we get inside".

Answer 1

After a cursory read. The first advice I will give you is not to use "I" in every sentence. Find a way to say what is happening without saying "i"or "me" or the like....it's tough but will make all the difference.

Answer 2

okay, I would say your saying the word"I" way too oftren. There should be a way to write a narrative story like this without the constant use of I. As the reader, we know you are speaking in first person after the fist paragraph. But, I do like this story. I saw a couple of places that needed revised. But you are on a roll. I'd like to read it when you are done.

Answer 3

I think you have a really good story going. I would have to agree that when you edit try eliminating your overuse of "I" -- . It is tough when writing a narrative, but possible. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.

Answer 4

Yeah, too many I's.
Is this like a book you are writing? Or a short story? If it is a short story, then I think that this is the whole story, not the beginning. -Laughs-

Good story though.

Answer 5

I like it. Vampires, magic, forests, cliffs. Let me know when it's finished.

Answer 6

I like it. When u do more let me know i love storys like this.

Answer 7

good start, good work....no time to proofread though, but 5 star for effort

Answer 8

nobody wants to read all this...!