How can I sort my home life out??

Question

I'm feeling really frustated with my partner.

We both work full time and i do most of the work round the house,i would prefer to share it but I know this is not uncommon so I don't complain.

We have three kids and although I never doubt he loves them he has never given them much encouragement.He's never played football,taught them to ride their bikes,taken them swimming, to the park or anything.

When they were little he was studying but now it's busy with work. There's always something.

I've tried talking to him rationally,I've told him it's upsetting but nothing makes any impact. He just shrugs or gets annoyed with me.

He thinks we're so blissfully happy inspite of what I've said, it's like he doesn't hear.

I want to make things work but I don't know what to do next.

I have to say in his defence he has the weirdest parents I've ever met. They never speak to each other!

I don't think He got much input while
growing up!

I like my job.
The people there apprieciate me and I like them!

I've been married 17 years!

Funny - no ones said the one thing I thought you all would...... -
it's my fault for being too soft and un assertive

Answer 1

Well, your partner is going to have to realize that he has obligations to his family outside of work. I would continue to drill this in his head. Sometimes, men feel that as long as they work and pay the bills, they do not have to do anything else. The fact that you work full time as well gives him no exception to the rules. I can see if he paid all the bills and you were a stay at home mom.

I would continue to share my concerns with him, until it gets through his thick head. And if continues to fight you on it, I would definitely reconsider the importance of having him around. If he is not going to be your partner, if he is going to be self centered, you will be subjecting yourself to a miserable life.

I would give him the pink slip if he did not make at least some effort to change. You can do bad all by yourself.

Answer 2

It doesn't sound as though your husband has anything going on in his life other than working. He may be looking at his job as all he needs to fulfill him. With career driven men that can be considered normal behavior to them. They get the idea that as long as they are a good provider that is all that you should expect from them. They lose that need to relax and enjoy life and the fun of sharing it with their family. It sounds as though you have major communication issues with him too. It may take something pretty severe to wake him up. Have someone take care of the kids one night(preferably one that he doesn't go to work the next day) and when he gets home tell him that his way of your way of life and your way of life are too different and some changes need to start taking place. If he dismisses you without any concern then he is not interested in making your married life better and you will need to make some decisions for your kids and yourself. If he does show an interest, let him know that you aren't looking for him to become a combination of super dad and Casanova, you just want him to become more of an active member of you and the kids lives. Tell him to plan some family outings, spend some alone time with you once in awhile, and act like the guy that dated you long ago again. Tell him that passion is a two way street.

Answer 3

He needs to pull his head out of his butt. Even if he thinks your happy, it doesn't give him the right to ignore your concerns. Where is it written in today's society that your responsible for it all? No I am not a women's libber, I want my car doors open and such, but I am for equality. If you both work full time, then the house can be shared. Make a chores list, everyone has some. For instance, I don't do trash or mow. He doesn't do dishes or laundry. As for dusting, we have a set of pet dust bunnies we call Ozzy and Harriet. lol. It has to be a compromise or one is worked to death. As for the kids, your going to have to work that out. How was his relationships with his parents? Like his now with yours? Maybe he thinks this is the way it is suppose to be and is okay with it. Sounds like you feel he was nothing more than a sperm donor. Maybe he is scared and doesn't know how. Have you thought about counseling? Maybe he is just resistant to change. Hopefully, it works out because you sound like you are beginning to get some real resentment issues.

Answer 4

Last year i felt pretty much as you do now about the housework thing and it's very frustrating.
I stopped working last september as my mother fell ill and haven't been back since. The question of me working again has come up recently and i've made it clear that if i'm going back to work, the housework is going to be shared. Foot down with a firm hand. If that doesn't work, stop working for a while and see how you feel about it. Either that or go on strike around the house. I'm sure he'll pay attention to you once he has no clean socks. ;o)
Good luck.

Answer 5

Well men have a one track mined in his mined he is doing what he started out to do when you married him . He had a plan and set out doing it and he isn't finished with it .The bad things is he is going to have to bust his butt the rest of his life and miss out on allot of joys in life but I'm sure he is doing it for his family .

In today's world to have anything at all you must keep going or you lose every thing you was working for .I know 5 years ago i had other plans other then what I'm doing now but i didn't see the prices of everything triple .I live in a rather large home 5 years ago the cost to heat it was 200 to 250 a month this year its 750 but I'm still bringing in what i was then so poof there went my plans food prices shot up everything did .

The only thing I'm saying is i believe the man can see whats happening out there and hes going to do what it takes to keep his family with a roof over there head with all the comforts . So many family breaking up and they are all blaming each other but if you really look at it it all comes back to money. You see if he took time he wouldn't have the money then it would be another complaint

Answer 6

You call him your "partner", is he your husband, or are you living together. I hate to sound judgmental, but of a guy will not make the commitment of marriage, you cannot expect much moral fiber from him. Sounds like he is not even part of your family, that is just sad. You two need to talk. I hope things get better for you.

EDIT>>>>>>
Weird parents is a cop out, I bet mine are weirder. My dad left when i was four, never paid a dime of support, and my mom joined a cult when I was nine, and drug us all over this country and South America with no money. We are lucky to be alive....Trump!! on the weird parents.


Congrats on keeping your marriage together for that long, you are really a trouper!!! I like working too, like my independence!!

Answer 7

I have a friend just like that, once when we were in the pub years ago he told me his dad had never kissed him - even as a very young child. Also none of his parents ever told him they loved him. I know actions speak louder than words and he was brought up well by quite wealthy parents but he is now doing very similar things to his young family without seeing any wrong in it as its all he knows. Some people have different views on their roles as parents. Perhaps you should mention this subtly to your hubby and see what reaction you get.

Answer 8

sit him down with no interruptions, no kids, no work, no noise, no tv and explain this is where you are. He is a dedicated man to his work, and loves his family but it takes more than a paycheck to be a family man. It takes love and encouragement especially for the children. They will grow up and will always say, "yeah our dad was never around, he never did anything with us" and is that what he is prepared to deal with?????? It may not mean that much now but someday that will hurt him deeply, seen it happen. There is a balance and he needs to find that balance, you cannot do everything, good luck

Answer 9

You have answered your own question it come down to the way he was raised and from the sound of it he never had much encouragement .Have you ever listened to your grandparents talk about the way they were raised ? Their way of showing love was to put a belt up side your butt and go to bed with no dinner.That is what their parents did to them and so on and so on.Each generation gets a little bit wiser about what is right and it is up to us to brake the chain so your kids will want to play ball with their kids So don't blame your husband to much he is only doing what was done to him.

Answer 10

Get rid of the computer and the TV. Sell them, and use the cash for a picnic, day at the beach, etc. Take the kids out and have fun. Or...just leave him home to do the housework, while you go out with the kids and have fun. Maybe one day he will join you.