Need Help Soon to be Ex is getting engaged...?

Question

I am feeling a little down today. I just found out that my soon to be Ex husband (been separated for a year and divorce is in process)is engaged to some other girl now. I don’t have any feelings or anger towards my ex, but, I don’t know why I feel down just by hearing this news….

This was my “2nd” arrange marriage. My first husband was a complete psycho. He was very possessive and controlling and it was just unbearable to continue living with him. With my parents support – I left him when I was expecting my daughter. This 2nd marriage was, from the start just horrible. It was an arrange marriage too. I fell into complete depression and gained about 20-25lbs, my hair has also thinned out; I just don’t look lively as I did before I was married. He used me to obtain a green card – as soon as I figured out his motive, I cancelled everything. I am trying my best to shape up and look prettier, I just am so tired and feel drained all the time. Plus, I live alone – so I have bills flying everywhere. I work as an accountant, and go to school fulltime(doing poor in school at the moment, coz I just don’t have the energy to study at times). I have been online dating this person for sometime, but, YOU KNOW!! Online loves can be tricky and dishonest. Anywayz – I found out my ex is engaged, I am honestly NOT jealous…but, I just don’t understand, why I feel soo confused hearing this or down….Please HELP EVERYONE

I am 28 yrs old, He is 32yrs old...I just saw the pic of his fiance - she is pretty too........I feel like crap now

All of you guys have been very helpful....Just to point out - I am not bad looking, but, just been lazy on taking care of myself, surprisingly men still hit on me looking like a mess at times.

Answer 1

Just STOP take a step back and breath. You have been through so much these past fews years. You need to work on you now. You need to know what it feels like to depend upon yourself and realize that you can do things on your own. Dating online is a bit dishonest. You need to heal yourself before you bring another person into your baggage. Focus on school, that is a positive thing you are working on in your life. You say you do not have any feeling for your ex so why are you feeling depressed about him getting remarried. Thank God that you are out of the situation and that you do not have to deal with him anymore. I recommend that you stay away from men for awhile and focus on you and your child. Those are the two most important people to you right now. Show your daughter that you can achieve what seems to be the impossible. Show her that her mommy is strong. She can recover from anything. Put that mess with your ex out of your mind. What's done is done? He can only hurt you if you allow it. Let it go. And remember no matter what you go thru God is there...And right now He is the only man you need........And when you have healed and ready to get back to dating, find someone who has the same objectives in life as you do.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I'm guessing you feel down because you are assuming your ex is moving on to a great marriage, with a great girl and a great future and you wish you were. (Be realistic, they're going to fight and have to work at their marriage like everyone else.)

It's normal to feel down in this situation (when you think your life has stalled) but don't beat yourself up over it. You made some choices in the past that may not have been in your best interest (we ALL make mistakes.) Take what you can from them and use that info. to become a better person.

Sound like you may be even be a little depressed. Talking to a therapist may be a great help and can do wonders for your self-esteem. Remember that all situations in life are temporary and yours will eventually change. You could meet a great guy at any moment who loves and respects you. Get out of the house, go places, meet people and stay active and involved.

One last thought, online romances are handy to fill what's missing from our lives (attention, conversation) but not a great choice long term. Talking with a "real" person beats a virtual one any day.

Good luck!

Answer 4

It's only normal to feel that way, & it's okay. I felt the same way when I found out that my ex was engaged. It hit me hard, especially when he remarried some months later. Like you, I'm not jealous, it's just normal feelings. We were married for 38 yrs. & I still had special feelings for him, even when I divorced him, but it was necessary to split up, in order to be happy & move on. In time, you'll be able to cope with it better, but now, you have a very full plate, so your coping mechanism isn't doing so well. Try not to look back, stay focused on today. Maybe you should see your doctor, tell him what life has been like for you lately, & ask him to put you on an antidepressant, like Lexapro. It will help you get through the days & nights ahead of you. Once you start to feel better about yourself, you'll be able to stay focused on school & your job. You can do it, so don't give up on yourself. I know how you're feeling, I really do. Don't worry about the things you have no control over, because it's just wasted energy. Concentrate on what you have control over. Make yourself # 1 for a while. That's what matters. Best of luck to you!!!

Answer 5

If you are really over him. Feel sorry for the girl he is marrying. It sound like you need to meet some one on your own. And not worry about your ex. Stop the arranged marriages they apparently don't work. You are a better person for getting out and you know this. So just be happy it is not you getting into the marriage with him again.

Answer 6

The problem I see here is the "arranged marriage" deal. Why not try the old fashion American decadence of marrying a person you fall in love with. I mean you're batting the same average as my sister. Divorced twice. But hey she decided She is the most important person in her life and WOW has she changed. Try it, it has really worked for her.
as for sleazeball #2 , I feel sorry for his fiancee. He,s not even off the divorced and he's already engaged!!!!! She should wonder whats in store for her future, if he treats women like used cars.

Answer 7

It sounds like you need to go out and do something for yourself. Go out to a club or something and meet real people. Where are all your girlfriends right now when you need them? Maybe you need to slow down on school or stop until you can get your bills under control and get something saved up. Dont worry about that guy. He is probably just using her too so just think of it that way. Please go out and do something nice for yourself. Get a haircut, makeover, manacure, go shopping get new clothes. Make yourself feel good because you deserve it and then go get a real boyfriend the right way. You will feel so much better.

Answer 8

awww dont be so down on yourself! i am sure you are a beautiful woman and a smart one too..i can see that your strong too for leaving these bad relationships and moving on and for raising your child. going to school and having a job. Your just down cuz it hurts somehow even if u dont know why it hurts or you feel that it shouldnt. Ihate how men control our feelings about ourselves when we dont realize they are.

i wish you the best in life and im sure u'll find a special someone. arranged marriages can be good o rbad. but i believe everything happens for a reason! now hold ur head up high and say i am a wonderful woman!

Answer 9

I know what you mean, when my ex (long term boyfriend, we never married) called to tell me he was getting married I got depressed for a week. I felt pretty silly about it, I had broken up with him over five years before that for good reason, but hearing he was getting married put me into a spin. I think your reaction is normal and natural, just keep reminding yourself how awful it was to be with him and that you aren't missing anything.
What you need to focus on right now is yourself. Be sure you are eating healthy, taking vitamins and drinking plenty of water. Be sure to get plenty of sleep and moderate exersize. Try to spend time with or at least talk to friends who support you and your life. It sounds like you are really busy right now with school and work, but try to make time to spend on activities that are purely things you enjoy, even if it's only for a couple of hours a week.
Be careful of too much coffee or caffiene, try to stay away from white sugar, white flour, hydrogenated oil and high fructose corn syrup. Good luck!

Answer 10

Stop it. You have to get your $hit together and fast. Nobody else is going to care or do it for you. Feeling bad doesn't do anything except build momentum to make you feel worse. When you feel bad, you eat and sleep poorly and that makes you feel tired, gain weight, and look worse.

Even though looks aren't everything, if you look your best atleast it is one less thing to worry about. To begin with, start working out to lose that weight and eat healthy. Working out will make you look better and feel better. The endorphins your body releases when you exercise gives you a nice natural high. Also, cut off that internet dating bullcrap. Where will it lead? Sounds like more of a distraction and a waste of time than a path to a meaningful relationship.

If you fix your eating, sleep, and exercise habits you will have plenty of energy to conquer the study material. Also, eating right, staying fit, and studying will take up serious time in your day. Time that would have otherise been spent feeling bad about yourself or wasting time with a random internet man.

Also doing these things will build momentum in the right direction. It is a process and a journey. Just like doing and thinking things to make you feel bad made it easier to feel worse, doing and thinking things to make you feel good will have a similar, but positive effect.

There are always things in life to feel good and bad about. It is our mood that dictates what we choose to focus on. For now, you need to focus on getting your $hit together and feeling good about yourself. If you focus on his life to feel good or bad, which you have no control over, then you are giving up the power and control you actually have over your own feelings.

Stop feeling bad, it puts lines on your face and makes you look like crap, which will only make you feel worse in the end. Start today. You can do it.