Divorce or separation is not an option in our family's point of view. Please read on...?

Question

It's very shameful and a disgrace. It's better to be a widow than be divorce or separated. That's why I thought of a "fling" for my deceiving husband as revenge. But you made it look very low and taboo. Counseling or telling close people is a big slap on the face cause it will be always be the woman's fault. That's how we see things are. Sounds funny but it is! So if you were on my shoes, what's your best suggestion? Help!

Answer 1

I'm going to warn you up front, this may not be what you want to hear and you may get a little bit upset, but I can assure you this is the truth...which I'm assuming is what you want and need right now.

First off, counselors and therapists don't place the blame on anyone. They merely point out the facts and try to incorporate a workable solution to fix the relationship. It's funny when you say "it will always be the woman's fault" because 9 out of 10 women I counsel, end up coming to that conclusion sooner or later. It's not that I imply it or anything like it, it's just that women are nurturers and they inately feel responsible for more than they should. But it's never anybody's "fault" for a marriage not working...unless the husband or wife is unfaithful and their reason is "I just felt like he/she was too good to be true. Things were too perfect" (believe it or not, I hear that all the time; its' ashame when people spoil happy marriages because television and movies put it in their head that "all good things must come to an end" and that a happy marriage is "too good to be true"). It sounds to me like you're already making excuses NOT to see a marriage counselor which usually means you probably want out no matter what...not a bad thing...but don't use that as an excuse not to go. If you don't want to go because you're pissed at your husband and you don't want marriage counseling to help you then say you don't want to go because you're pissed at your husband and you don't waqnt marriage counseling to help you.

Secondly, a "fling" will only make matters worse. Why? Well for starters, your self esteem will go down. Oh sure, it'll be empowering for you. It'll feel good being ravaged by another man, thinking of your husbands reaction when he finds out. But after the dust settles and the fling gets old, you'll feel like a s l u t , and you'll feel cheap. Trust me, it may not happen right away but it will. I know you're pissed at your husband but having an affair because he had one (I'm assuming that's what his "deceit" was about) will destroy you. The pain will NOT go away. You think your family will be disgraced if you leave your husband, what will they think if you have an affair??? Look, don't take this the wrong way, but getting revenge on your husband is two things: 1) Immature. I mean com'mon...if he calls you "poo poo head" you gonna call him "lizard face"? What is this, fifth grade?? I'm sure you're saying to yourself "Yeah but poo poo head and being deceived by your husband are two very different things." And you'd be right but you handle them both the same way. Be the bigger person and rise above that nonsense and quit thinking like a girl. I mean really, it's time to be a woman about this. 2) A sure sign the marriage is over. If you truly loved him, you'd try to work this out. I don't blame you if you don't, but trying to exact some sort of revenge is down right hateful. He'll get what's coming to him but if you're the one that adminsters the payback, you'll BOTH suffer.

Third, it's plain stupid to stay with your husband because it's "very shameful and a disgrace." I mean no disrespect here but let me ask you a question: Whose happiness is more important, yours or these people who will talk about how "shameful and disgraceful" you are if and when you leave your husband?

Lastly, I think you've already got your mind made up. You want to be unhappy. You've given us reasons as to why you won't leave him and you've given us reasons as to why you'll most assuredly have an affair. It's like you're looking for a reason to stay miserable: "I can stay with hubby, live with this "deceit" stay MISERABLE. Or I can have an affair, anger my husband (which will probably cause him to go out and sleep with someone else, then you'll do the same, and so forth), lower my self worth, be labeled as a s l u t and be MISERABLE. Because I don't want a solution that will get me out of this without stickin' it to my husband first." Seriously, it's time to starting thinking about YOU and stop thinking about HIM...he ain't worth it sweetie, you and I both know it.

I'm a marriage counselor and divorce is the LAST resort in my practice, but when someone plots revenge against their spouse, it's time to end it. Do the right thing for yourself and end this before you end up doing something you BOTH regret...then you'll be as much to blame (if not more) than your husband...then it will REALLY be your fault.

Answer 2

'But you made it look very low and taboo'

What are you talking about?

You aren't going to be happy or happier having an affair. Isn't infidelity looked down apon in your family too? You have to decide which way is better for you- living miserably with him or putting up with your family's loss of respect for you no matter how irrational it is.

'Counseling or telling close people is a big slap on the face cause it will be always be the woman's fault.'

I don't know what this means. Do you think counsenlors blame women for problems at all times? If this were so, there would be no counselors in business.

Answer 3

So you think divorce and separation is "very shameful and a disgrace"... but you are OK with having an affair and being vindictive ???

What kind of standards do you have???

It seems to me that you just don't want to get down your high horse.

There is more shame on sleeping with someone else to feed your revenge and implying that you want your husband dead than to have a divorce.

There is more shame in staying with a loveless marriage and allow your man to sleep around just so you can keep on having a meal ticket, than to stand on your own feet and have dignity by divorcing a cheating man.

There is more disgrace on perpetuating a lie just so you won't be ashamed of your failure in your social circle, than to come clean and tell the truth,

No wonder he has someone else...


eshhhh

Answer 4

Two wrongs do not make a right. If you have a strong reason to end your marriage, then do so. No matter what anyone else thinks or feels. It's YOUR life. Not your family's.
Better being a widow? That's proposterious. Meaning you can kill, but not divorce? What country, please?
Did you THINK of a fling, or HAVE one? If the latter, that was not a good idea.

Answer 5

You can always have counselling without telling anyone about it, sounds like the best option since you have been married for 30 years.
But if you can't live with it, divorce him. You can that your family won't like it, but have you talked to them about it or are you just assuming? In my experience, I am from pakistan, when people talk in generalities they often say things like divorce is never right and it has to be the women's fault BUT when it comes to a specific situation they sympathize and say in her case the best thing was divorce, he was a jerk. Even if your family is totally against it, you should still consider divorce, it is your life.

Answer 6

If you are having trouble with your relationship with your husband, do everything you possibly can to rectify it. These days, people understand that things often are not the woman's fault, not as you think. I don't think revenge is a good answer for anything - not a specific act. I always liked the quote: "Living well is the best revenge."
Wish you much luck with whatever it is you are going through.

Answer 7

I'm assuming he cheated on you, If someone cheated on me, I would get a divorce if I couldn't get passed it. Regardless what your family says, and I know I am gonna make a lot o people mad when I said this but even if you have kids, Why stay in a bad marriage. Do you really want the kids seeing you and him miserable and in a loveless marriage? Wouldn't you you rather give them an example of a happy marriage? One more thing if he cheated on you once, unless you make some major changes, he will again. I just don't get people like you sometimes, no offense but give me one reason why you would want to stay?

Answer 8

If you truly believe divorce or separation is not an option, you have to hold your head up and do what you feel is right. Don't stoop as low as your husband and fling it. Keep your dignity. Talk to your husband and come to some sort of agreement.

Answer 9

What would be more shameful than divorce is to waste the rest of your life with a man that you don't like and don't trust.

Who cares what the rest of the family thinks! It's your life and you deserve to be happy.

Answer 10

I'm sorry for the position you are in, it's very disheartening. I may have missed a previuos message in regards to your deceiving husband you mentioned, so I am not too sure why you would consider a "fling" as means for revenge. In my opinion by doing so you run such a great risk of complicating matters more than gaining whatever society tells us is ok to indulge in self gratification. Your excuse could be "well he did it to me first", I gather there has been an affair going on. So allow me if you would to ask you this, would you feel better if this fling were to happen? Really, would that bring some gratification to you? I can honestly tell you that the thought had crossed my own mind when my estranged wife finally admitted her on-going affair with another man while they were in Afghanistan, now together in Iraq (although he is divorced). That was March 2005, it is still on-going today. Yet as a Christian I struggled with the divorce issue, not only that, my wife and I both came from broken homes. I struggled deeply it was almost maddening. I prayed and read and found my answer to that same question would I really find any gratification in this? No, not me personally, but we are all different. I believe in the theory two wrongs don't make a right, that's nothing new. But as Paul writes in a letter to the Romans; Romans 12:17-19 (please understand I am only sharing this with you as not to preach, but to give you another avenue to take into consideration) Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with eveyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, (and here is the justification for me) you will heap burning coals on his head."
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
After going over this many times, I decided, since I do still love my wife, the best thing for me to do was forgive her. I sat right there in front of her and said "Don't take what I am saying in a way of saying it was right what you did, but I can try to understand under the circumstances of being away from me and our children how finding a friend and getting a little closer than you should could lead you to make mistake. And I love you and forgive you." I even called the guy and said I forgave him now just drop the communication with my wife.
Although she responded "I am not sorry for the affair and don't need nor do I want your forgiveness!" I still forgave her and somehow I see how it drives her crazy, because she does everything to make me hate her and rightfully I should, but I won't. Now unfortunately we are in the process of a divorce not by my choice, but I hate the fact we are. I tried still up to about two months ago to reconcile. I know it will never happen so I am clear in my conscience, she will never be. So what is more gratifying, doing unto others like they do you, thus condemning yourself as well, or knowing you overcome this with a clean conscience. Something your spouse will never have? Are you willing to work on your marriage to better it? Because as I read you do not want to disrupt the family beliefs or values. I hope you do find a way to save this in a manner which allows you to live in a loving and trusting marriage "until death do you part." You may just have to be that martyr in your family for the generations of woman to come to seek the counseling. Exhaust that resource before being aburpt in your decision to shack up with another. And Divorce should be a last alternative. You may have to listen how slap faced you are or whatever may come, but take comfort in the fact that you are not a quitter just some of us do actually need some help in improving our lives. We all make mistakes, not one of us are perfect, but we have choices how to live our lives. I will leave you with this quote from Alice Hoffman; " You have to choose the voice you are going to trust. You can't listen to everyone." And Jose' Oterga y Gasset wrote, "Hatred is a feeling which leads to the extinction of values." I pray God will lead your heart to direct you in your decision making. I hope this helps in any way it can.