want to trust husband again and forgive..help me please...I am so hearbroken right now..what can I do?

Question

I'm from Asia& just got married early this year.I met my husband online back in 2004&first met him in March,2006 (in person),met him twice last year.We felt comfortable w/each other since we've been talking to each other EVERYDAY since 2004 (if you've experienced this type of relationship, you'd know how I feel).He proposed to me when we first met each other(he flew all the way to Asia).I came to the US on Jan. 2007&was very happy.Everything was wonderful but starting from 2weeks ago, I started getting jealous of his past GF #1 after she dropped him a call.He tells me to put it behind and that he loves me more than anything. But yesterday, I was on the computer and was looking at his logs(from messengers)& I read this msg w/his ex-GF#2 and they were talking dirty&obviously they've met and this was dated 4 months before we met,yes they've done u-know-what.I saw in his eyes that he was very sorry about it for not telling me but I am very upset.We love each other alot but this bothers me

Answer 1

Stop repeating the same question, there is no need to ask it more than once. You will get as many responses as possible anyways.

Now, about your concerns about your husband. I think you are over reacting a little bit.

If he still talks to the ex-girlfriends, than you can talk to him and ask him not to keep talking to them because it bothers you and you would appreciate if he can keep distance with them. Tell him you trust him, but still, it bothers you, and if he could do this for you, you will appreciate it very much.

Now, if he is not talking to them, and those e-mails or chat messages are prior to meeting you, then you are really over reacting. He was a single man and free as well, so he can talk, and go out with, and have sex with any woman that he wanted.

But now he is married to you, so he should act as a married guy and be loyal to you. Unless you know he is cheating for real, you have to calm down a little bit.

Maybe you are not used to the way we are here. I know many people from Asia, in fact, my Wife’s half family is from there, and I know they are used to much more restricted privileges and “moral laws”.

But here things are different, and is perfectly fine to talk to your ex if you are still friends. Is not the usual case, but it can happen. Again, as long your husband behaves, and doesn’t talk “dirty” over the internet, and of course, he doesn’t go out with other girls, you should be fine.

Just talk to him, don’t fight, just tell him your concerns, and explain you are not use to this, that you want to understand him, and also you ask for him to understand you as well. Communication is the key to a good relation, together with understanding.

I think you will be fine. Just sit with him in private, and have a nice talk.

Answer 2

I think you should talk to him, let him know how upset you are, and point out to him. That you left your beautiful country to come and be with him. As you mentioned that was 4 months before you two met. I know you two have been talking to each other everyday since 2004! But you have to understand that the men's nature is different than ours. He had his necessities whatever they were. Now you are here, he got married with you, and not with them. Do you think he is that dumb to bring you all the way from Asia, to keep seeing them? It doesn't make any sense. He loves you! And you do too. Don’t get foolish over some past urge that he had. Talk to him and let him know that you don't want to find out later that he still seeing them. No matter if they are just friends. Good luck.

Answer 3

Do you really want some advice? I'll give it to you.

STOP IT!

Jeez Louise! You had better get over this girlfriend thing and put it behind you NOW or break it off. PLEASE. You are starting your relationship - a long term committed relationship - on a foundation of mistrust and lack of communication. Do you think this is the bedrock and foundation of a happy, long term relationship.

TRUST IS THE FOUNDATION OF MARRIAGE - PERIOD! If you can't trust your mate then you are a FOOL to get married. If you think that down the road something will magically change and make everything better - you are dead wrong. The way things are NOW is the way they will ALWAYS BE unless YOU change. That's it - that's the only choice you have.

You can choose happiness in a marriage or misery.

STOP READING HIS FRIGGING EMAILS! THAT IS NOT A NICE THING TO DO TO YOUR MATE. IF YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM THEN GET OUT!

FP

Answer 4

Are you saying that your husband had a relationship before he met you, or was engaged or married to you, and you want to know how to deal with that?
(You said it was four months before you met...)

What is there to forgive?

Yes, it may be a little creepy if a woman he used to date calls, but how can he control another person?

So what if he had sex with another woman four months before he met you? Did he know he was supposed to be saving himself for you when he didn't even know you were the woman he was going to marry?

Maybe he should have discussed his past relationships with you before, and maybe not... some people do and some don't. It sounds to me like you are the type of person to be very jealous (and you went looking through his private files to read what he wrote to other people?) I do not think that telling you about his past relationships would help the situation.

My wife lived with a guy for six months--that was more than a year before I first met her. I don't want to know the details, don't ask and she doesn't tell, except she was not happy with him and he was not nice to her. Should I hold that against her? No. I had sex with a woman (a meaningless fling) two days before I met the woman who fell in love with (during the next few weeks) and married (18-months later). Am I wrong for not disclosing this fact to her? Should I ask her to forgive me for that? No.

Unless your husband cheated on you (that is, gone on dates, kissed, has sex) since AFTER you've been engaged and married, I don't understand what you are heartborken about. Maybe you didn't explain it very well, or they way you wrote when things happened got confused.

The issue here is TRUST. You love him. He loves you. You got married and you need to trust each other... starting from when YOUR relationship started! You need to hold each other to your vows starting from the time you got married!

I'd say "get over it," but I don't see anything to get over.

You can NOT hold something against him that he did before he knew you or was committed or engaged or married to you!

Answer 5

Truly honey of course over the net everything is so sweet and perfect and beautiful but if he still has these chats with his ex GF well you have two options or confront him or grow up be strong and tell him that you don't need this attitude...and if you decide to keep going in this relationship well stop reading and nosing around because you can find more worse things ......

Answer 6

Your question is on auto-repeat but I thought of something else anyway. When you were long distance dating, did you make it clear what you wanted out of your relationship? Some men have to have a final fling before they commit.Just make sure that's all it was. Your heartache will heal though it doesn't feel like it will right now. Good luck and happiness.

Answer 7

Well you are legaly married and you have lots of options ! He probably is just having a little fun on the side prob not serious I think as long as he comes home to you each night you dont have a problem! Just let it play itself out !

Answer 8

There is absoulety no reason whatsoever your husband should be communicating in any form to his ex. If he countinues let him no you will end the relationship. He needs to be commited to you. Not his ex and u. I wouldnt stand for this. You need to let him no that. If he doesnt like it, tell him to fly a kite. Do not stay in this marriage and become miserable.

Answer 9

the messages you found were 4 MONTHS BEFORE YOU MET HIM.......just delete them.......
and learn to trust him.....his ACTIONS now will tell you more than his words....
IF he gives you reason NOW....to suspect he is cheating, that is a whole nuther story...
you took a chance ......give him one now.

Answer 10

Stop asking the same question, you are losing points.