~somewhere, under the rainbow~
you really don't want it to happen
but, really, you do
yes, if just to experience something so
catastrophic
monumental
historic
news-worthy
terrifying
not quite a product of a sick mind
but of a normal one
that grew weary of the status-quo
years ago
just a break away from this predicament
Just to be caught up in the tornado,
lifted so high up, and to be conscious
if it were so
and then to be dropped into a tree
to climb down
and see everyone else just as okay as you
waiting for their cups of tea
with minds and mouths full
of neat stories.
and glad for the excuse to do so.
2007-03-13 08:37:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
I like the idea too, but it could use some some more imagery. "Catastrophic" and "monumental" are over-used words. Instead of telling us (the readers) that it's catastrophic, can you get us to envision it so that we see how catastrophic it is? (Or how catastrophic it seems to be int he moment.)
My favorite line is "waiting for their cups of tea". (It feels a little like a cliche, but the banality of it actually works in context.) See how that image -- people waiting for tea -- works better than literally saying, "everyone was calm now"? Look for more chances to do that, to make your ideas really captivating.
2007-03-13 08:51:40 · answer #1 · answered by Ben H 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it's pretty cool. seriously. love the idea, but it looks as if you wrote it out of an inspirational moment; and not that that's bad, but i write poetry and trust me, if you put a little more thought into it you'll really get it polished. plus, try to make it a bit more structured.
Enjoy! you sure have the potential for it
2007-03-13 15:43:58 · answer #2 · answered by ksrairsk 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was not able to figure out the style or the sequence. . .
Do you really think this is a poem, how about a short story. . .or
2007-03-13 16:54:50 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's very good. I often feel caught up in a tornado, so I can relate.
2007-03-13 15:41:55 · answer #4 · answered by Ricky 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
very interesting and well written. Makes me think of the uncertainties that a young person goes through
2007-03-13 15:44:32 · answer #5 · answered by Belva D 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its too much going on in this poem
2007-03-13 15:42:58 · answer #6 · answered by ladyduval17 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hmmm. I'd spend some more time working on that one.
2007-03-13 15:41:59 · answer #7 · answered by Kewpie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yawn
2007-03-13 15:40:42 · answer #8 · answered by csucdartgirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋