I'm from Asia& just got married early this year.I met my husband online back in 2004&first met him in March,2006 (in person),met him twice last year.We felt comfortable w/each other since we've been talking to each other EVERYDAY since 2004 (if you've experienced this type of relationship, you'd know how I feel).He proposed to me when we first met each other(he flew all the way to Asia).I came to the US on Jan. 2007&was very happy.Everything was wonderful but starting from 2weeks ago, I started getting jealous of his past GF #1 after she dropped him a call.He tells me to put it behind and that he loves me more than anything. But yesterday, I was on the computer and was looking at his logs(from messengers)& I read this msg w/his ex-GF#2 and they were talking dirty&obviously they've met and this was dated 4 months before we met,yes they've done u-know-what.I saw in his eyes that he was very sorry about it for not telling me but I am very upset.We love each other alot but this bothers me
2007-03-13 08:37:35 · 14 answers · asked by gurlielash 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Are you saying that your husband had a relationship before he met you, or was engaged or married to you, and you want to know how to deal with that?
(You said it was four months before you met...)
What is there to forgive?
Yes, it may be a little creepy if a woman he used to date calls, but how can he control another person?
So what if he had sex with another woman four months before he met you? Did he know he was supposed to be saving himself for you when he didn't even know you were the woman he was going to marry?
Maybe he should have discussed his past relationships with you before, and maybe not... some people do and some don't. It sounds to me like you are the type of person to be very jealous (and you went looking through his private files to read what he wrote to other people?) I do not think that telling you about his past relationships would help the situation.
My wife lived with a guy for six months--that was more than a year before I first met her. I don't want to know the details, don't ask and she doesn't tell, except she was not happy with him and he was not nice to her. Should I hold that against her? No. I had sex with a woman (a meaningless fling) two days before I met the woman who fell in love with (during the next few weeks) and married (18-months later). Am I wrong for not disclosing this fact to her? Should I ask her to forgive me for that? No.
Unless your husband cheated on you (that is, gone on dates, kissed, has sex) since AFTER you've been engaged and married, I don't understand what you are heartborken about. Maybe you didn't explain it very well, or they way you wrote when things happened got confused.
The issue here is TRUST. You love him. He loves you. You got married and you need to trust each other... starting from when YOUR relationship started! You need to hold each other to your vows starting from the time you got married!
I'd say "get over it," but I don't see anything to get over.
You can NOT hold something against him that he did before he knew you or was committed or engaged or married to you!
2007-03-13 09:58:17 · answer #1 · answered by nsheedy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you shouldn't have looked in his logs. That's snooping and gives him reason not to trust you. Second, if what you read/saw was from 4 months before you met, it really shouldn't be an issue. Anything that happened before he met you and proposed is part of the past and shouldn't count against him. I realize you were talking since 2004 but no real commitment was made until March 2006. After that, all bets are off and it's cheating.
2007-03-13 08:49:47 · answer #2 · answered by eehco 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think what you have to remember in this case is that you can't hold his past against him. If he was with someone else BEFORE you met, that's the past. Once he met you and committed to you then he is yours alone!
Had he been with another woman AFTER you met THEN that would be wrong. But to hold against him something he did before you met, and something he cannot undo isn't being fair to him. If you want things to work between you then you need to find a way to deal with this because he can not go back in time and undo the past. Good luck.
2007-03-13 08:43:56 · answer #3 · answered by danl747 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should not let it bother you because what happened before he actually met you is his business and in the past. He would not be with you if he didn't want to be and I think he has proved his commitment to you. I know you don't have anything to worry about but you need to just not let it bother you because if he sees that you don't trust him for something he hasn't even done then this is going to cause problems between you both in the long term. You need to bite that green eyed monster in the bud! OK?
2007-03-13 08:43:54 · answer #4 · answered by mangachiquita 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello, well i can understand what you are going through cause my situation is something similar to your i have married an Ghanaian i meet him on line to but he was already in the same state that i was we talk and got to know each other but not like i would've, but make a long story short i married him in January which i had some kind of feeling that day when i did it but i thought maybe i was scared and didn't want to be hurt cause i have been married before with my kids dad he say he love me but his action speaks louder than his words i don't know if you have heard about African men just want to marry to get citizenship so now I'm thinking that's the case with hI'm so I'm thinking about getting an annulment from him but it hurts me so much cause i believe in god and i don't know what to do but this,so im thinking how is his actions to you i know you say that he say that he love you but do he really how is his action just think and pray on it i just hope you didn't make a big mistake in your life like i did so really get down and take action maybe you need to call the ex and ask ? are get two of them together and bring out thing cause you can't go on stress in you life with this and if you are having doubts maybe it a reason why take care god bless.
2007-03-13 08:53:07 · answer #5 · answered by maintaining 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I want to apologize for you feeling this way. Your husband from you post is not showing you the respect that you deserve. Talk with your husband about counseling to see if there is a way that this can be resolved. Express how you are feeling to him make him understand your hurt. If he continues with his selfish ways I would recommend you getting separated from him. Do you have any friends where you are? Do you work? If you don't seek work, and friends will come good luck to you and hold your head high this is not your fault.
2007-03-13 09:08:50 · answer #6 · answered by soldierlady226 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't be looking for thing that aren't there. You have admitted that the previous relationships were prior to the two of you coming together. If you continue to be searching for infidelities you will alienate him to the point that you will find what you want to find. Focus on your man, do not look over your shoulder. Be committed to him, not committed to discovering suspicious behavior.
2007-03-13 08:46:22 · answer #7 · answered by zax_fl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hope this teaches you a lesson. You should never pry, never listen in to his conversations and never search his pockets. Everyone is entitled to privacy. If you had come across this accidentally I would sympathize with you, but no, you brought it on yourself. Sometime the old saying, "What you don't know, doesn't hurt," works.
2007-03-13 08:43:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anthony F 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He will have to earn your trust, he can't just talk you into it. I would watch him if I were you. Before you have any children, you need to know if your husband can be faithful. He has to earn your respect too. Those things take time.
2007-03-13 08:42:28 · answer #9 · answered by Pamela 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So you have confronted him?
Tell him he MUST break off ALL contact with his ex - if he wants to be with you he can NEVER talk to her or see her again!
If he doesn't agree, it's time to move on. Good luck! :)
2007-03-13 08:41:35 · answer #10 · answered by searching_please 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋