Marriage on the rocks? Help me please?

Question

Me and my husband had a wonderful life before and shortly after marriage. Now he doesnt listen to me he doesnt want to help around the house. He works i dont i stay home with our 2 kids and his 3 nieces. So im dog tired by bedtime by the time i bathe and put 5 kids to bed. But i still have to gather the energy to do dishes and start a load of clothes. Then when i finally make it to bed he wants me to find this for him or do this for him or have sex. I just dont have the energy for it every night he doesnt understand that. I do like to cuddle and just lay together he wont do that unless sex is a promise afterwards. When i try to talk he defends himself with all kinds of excuses. He thinks he never does wrong and is always right. Hell i dont even get to finish a complete sentence. We really have no relationship at all Im scared im young we've only been married 3 years How can i save this. I don't want it to have to end i just want it to be great again and to have a real relationship.

Ok Thanks for all the answers so far. And me i personal thinks he gets more than he deserves. When he gets home, there's a hot meal, i have NEVER let the laundry pile up or the house get messy. If he wears something one day and wants it the next again i'll wash that one item for him. At nights i lay out his towel and rag and stuff for a bath. As far as letting him have my job...lmao, that's a joke. I left him in charge Sat while i took my oldest niece out. I came home and couldn't walk in my house at all, the kid hadn't been fed yet, no naps had been done, and the 2 youngest didn't daipers. I mean atleast i can leave them here so i can get a break a min, but its worse when i get home because i have to put in double time. He comes in eats and watchs tv until bed which is usually around 10 for him for me i'm lucky to get there before 1am Ive tried talking, like i said he don't listen to me i mean its like he doesnt hear me. I dont think he even knows what i like and dont like anymore.

I think i'll attempt once more to set us up a trip to the beach. everytime i do he has something else to just "has to be done". I even told him i would like for us to start going for breakfast alone instead of taking the kids one day a weekend. He says ok, but every sat he gets up and says are the kids ready to go. As far as him working, coming on he's a boss, he does nothing, if he has the time to call me 50 times a day to remind me to do something he should be that tired, plus he works 4 days a week 10 hours a day. When do i have a day off? Talking is just out, i mean i can't get him to listen its all about it. I'll keep trying though, but like i tell him its a 2way, i can't do it alone. My nieces i have them because well lets just say they're better off here, and i love them and don't mind, i just wish i had his support and help. I'll get some plans together this weekend, we'll see where it goes. Thanks again guys!!

Answer 1

When all the "icing" is off the cake, there's nothing left, but cake. The honeymoon is over. Talk to your husband and try to get him to see your point of view, or it's going to be a "hard row to hoe" for the next few years. Good Luck!!

Answer 2

Why do you see having sex with your husband as a chore? It's a time for the two of you to be alone with each other, plus it feels good! If you devoted just a fraction of the time and energy you spend on the five kids to your husband, you wouldn't be having these problems. The kids are a fact, they need to be taken care of, but why not bathe them earlier in the day, use paper plates occasionally, do laundry during the day? Believe me, I know kids can wear you out, but by letting yourself get used up, and not having anything left for your husband at the end of the day, you are robbing both of you. Your husband would probably bend over backwards for you, if you just showed him some affection. What ever you do, don't let this issue end your marriage. YOUR kids, and YOUR marriage have to come before your nieces. This may sound harsh, but if your marriage ends, all five kids will suffer. If you have bitten off more than you can chew, get some other family members to help. Maybe they can take the nieces a few days a month, to give you a break. Good luck.

Answer 3

I was your husband. He can change. I put my wife through a similar hell for almost 10 years. She finally found her voice and told me it was killing her.

I worked hard. I provided well for her. She had a nice house, nice new car, could buy whatever she wanted, didn't have to work, and in return I expected a housekeeper, baby sitter, and wh0re in the bedroom.

She felt like I didn't appreciate her.

Well, the truth is, I did appreciate her, but as time went on I forgot how to show it.

You won't change him by yelling.

Here is what you need to do....get someone to watch the kids overnight. Yes, I know how hard this can be, but make it happen. Then, for that night, make sure the house is clean when he gets home...you know what he wants...he wants a clean house, he wants a nice meal, he wants love (for men, that means sex).

So wine him, dine him, then ..and when it is all over, tell him how much you love him, and how much you want each and every day to be like this. He will agree, he will want it to be like this always, too.

Then tell him that you have your needs to. You need some help and understanding. You need some time to do the things you want. You need to be able to let the house go now and then, you need to be able to NOT feel bad about it when you do.

Trust me, he will be receptive and he will see that you are ready to work WITH him.

Be friends to each other. There was a time that there was nothing more than you wanted but to please him. I am sure he doesn't feel that way anymore, but once he does, he will return the love in-kind.

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Answer 4

I feel for you very much. Do you think it would help if you went to a councillor together, so that he could actually be made to sit and listen to what you have to say? It's very difficult when you seem to be saying the same things over and over to your husband, but he just doesn't care enough to listen to you, or what you have to say.

I am married to a wonderful fellow, but I have similar problems with him - he works far less hours a day than I do, and refuses to do any cooking (when I ask why he says it's because 'he doesn't want to' - and I do??!!!). He is lovely and vacuums whenever it needs done, and does the dishes and takes out the trash, so by no means is he lazy or unhelpful, but often he says that I am lazy since I often feel like just sitting down and not having to tidy the house after working for 8 hours and having to walk home.

I think that communication is the key, though, and if you can just get him to understand where you're coming from, I think you could have a breakthrough. I'm rooting for you!! :)

Answer 5

Sounds like you need to pamper yourself, get a maid to clean your house as a special treat so you can relax, take a bath, get a manicure and pedicure.
Then ask someone to watch the kids and go out on a romantic date. Don't talk about problems or the kids, have a few drinks, relax and laugh and remember why you got married.
We all need this every once in a while and well worth the investment to save your marriage!

When you get home, surprise him with something sexy he likes.. men are simple, they also need reassurance and to them that's physical usually. Give a little, get a little. The fact he still wants sex from you is a very good sign!
Give him what he wants, watchm you'll start getting what you want. Men are little helpers but they must feel appreciated and respected.

Answer 6

How old are the kids? I am divorced & happy. My new man is so much different than my husband. We met online. (emode) We've been living together for 3+ yrs. Together over 4. He has 3 kids, I have 5. I am always wondering what is different with this relationship than in my marriage. What could I have done differently in my marriage? You are at that point right now so I will tell you what I wish I had done.
1. Time management. These are the changes I made that's made THIS relationship last!
a) Let the older kids help you. I let my 4 & 6 yr old help do dishes. I let them do them, I go back & redo any dish not quite right. lol So instead of doing 50 dishes, I may only have 15 or LESS! U'd be surprised how well they do! My daughter who is 4 folds a whole basket of clothes better than me! She enjoys it too. Have the older kids double up in the tub for bath time. All the girls then, all the boys. Older ones help the younger ones so YOU can do something else. If the kids are too young for ANY of these...like below 3...hire someone to HELP you. Go to your church & ask for help. Theres a few older ppl or preteens who might be willing to volunteer an hour here or there. Make up a volunteer sign up sheet, write your story at the top...your number below, leave it at the church to be put into the bulletin. THIS WILL WORK!
2. No matter how tired you feel, MEET your husband at the door when he comes home (90% of the time) w/ a smile & a kiss. Leave all complaining for later! wink
3. Later: lol rule out any whining...men hate this! And go straight to only the things a man might be able to help with. Is there a loose screw that needs tweaked? A burnt out bulb too high for you to reach? remember to tell him "I don't know what I'd do without you!" Kiss him! wink
4. GET your friends on the phone or email them all your whining and venting...they are the ones who will nuture your emotional needs! You have the type of man as my ex. Full of himself...tired..."he worked all day".
5. Catch some cuddling BEFORE you hit the bedroom. He can't expect you to "put it out" on the couch in front of the kids!
How to get him to do this? Put HIS favorite movie in! Get him his drink, chips & snuggle up close to have "a few chips yourself". wink
6. Find out what REALLY "winds down" your husband. What destresses him..ask if your not sure. I know my b/f LOVES xbox live. So I "let him" play for as long as he feels it neccessary. "let him" I mean I don't complain. I make my self busy online....since he hates for me to be on the computer and the only way to get me offline is to go offline himself...he'll turn his xbox off after a few hours & crawl into bed. I wait another 15 min as if his hours destressing meant NOTHING to me. I destressed on yahoo A/Q. lol
7. If your upset with him but your not going to do anything about it in the next 48 hrs...most likely you won't do anything at all...so why hold onto the anger? CALL YOUR FRIENDS and tell THEM what a jerk he's being instead! They're the ones who will agree with you! Nurture your emotions.

Answer 7

I'm not married but i have 5 kids 3 under 5 and i now what you mean. you have to put your foot down somewhere and get what you want and deserve. yes women are the loveliest creatures in the world but we are not super woman nor wonder woman. let him know you need hi, to step up and be more that just a man going to work. Hell, let him sit there for a day see about those kids and see how he feels. your gonna have to talk to him seriously and start planning some time away. planning some time for you. I've recently had my fifth through c-section and felt the way your feeling but if a man loves you and expect to have a clean house in order he'll help do something mine do!

Answer 8

Um, I'm not pretending to know your whole situation which makes this question extremely difficult to answer, but I can help nonetheless.

I am a 27 year old male who has been married for eight years (no kids though). And I know from experience that to us, sex means everything. It affects our confidence, relaxes us, and takes up about 98 percent of our thoughts during the day. That being said, you can imagine how important it is to us, because women, short of us just trying to take it, control that aspect.

My guess is that you probably say "no" a lot more than you say "yes" but that is only my theory because I don't know you. Seek marriage counseling right away though.

Answer 9

He needs to realize that his job ends at a certain time, yours is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and that's still not enough time to complete all you have to do. Unfortunately I think the only way he will see this is to..well...see it...Go to counseling and I would suggest ask him to try your job out for a few days. He's being a typical hard headed man and probably doesn't feel that your marriage is on the rocks, he may just see it as getting to a comfort level. Send him to me for a week, I'll try to retrain him.

Answer 10

I think that life sometimes gets in the way. Maybe you should take a trip just the two of you. You both need some time to relax. You would be shocked to see that yu can fall in love all over again in just one weekend. My husband and I do it all the time.