I am there as well, in the same kind of relationship as you are. I have jogged my focus to something else... he needs HELP! If he doesn't get help from a professional for anger management, I won't be staying. He needs help in figuring out a different way to deal with his anger, and communication lines so that he can actually talk to me! I'm sure you feel the same way. By the way, don't allow yourself to end up with battered woman syndrome! "Sufferers have low self-esteem, and often believe that the abuse is their fault." is a quote from the second link I posted. I can't express enough that it is important for you to know that his anger, and his insecurities are NOT your problem! Your problem right now is that you are allowing yourself to be treated in an absolutely unacceptable way! Time, is sacrificed when you think you might be able to get through to him! Well, it is not your responsibility to get through to him! It's not even your responsibility to try to get him help! If you love him though, I can understand really wanting the whole thing to work. Just don't let him flip it around on you like that! You may make mistakes, but a mistake doesn't deserve verbal, mental, or physical abusiveness EVER! It is human to make mistakes. How do you react to his mistakes? Do you think about not mentioning them at all because you know it will only make him mad, even thought you are right? I know how you feel! I also know that he probably has a tendancy to say that you went about mentioning the problem you have, in a way that pushes his buttons, or wasn't very nice.
I actually tried to tell my man I needed some physical touching the other night by commenting, to the dog (while he was petting the dog), that the dog gets it so easy, I wish I could! Instead of taking what I said, and trying to repair the situation, he made fun of it, patted me on the stomache like a dog, and appoligized for not petting me. Eventually, through the fight, he used "the way I went about it" as not being very nice. It was actually very light, and in a non-chellant joking manner to get a point across so I didn't have to complain to him directly, or get into a fight we didn't need to have. I was trying to avoid a fight. Well, I didn't! We faught, and he wanted me to apologize for the way I did it, when I know good & well he doesn't listen or care about what I need if I am direct any way. So, if there's an issue, there's really no way to tell him what's wrong without him turning it back around on me in some way, and deturing the fact that it's an issue I'm having with him, not some issue he's having with me! My problems never get solved, and never have in this relationship, but he always wants some sort of change to happen on my part to "make him happy", or an apology when I didn't do any thing to apologize for.
I am not responsible for his anger, hostility, verbal and mental abuse, or his happiness! His choices make him responsible for those emotions. Sure, I could say something he is unhappy with, but, I do not make him unhappy.
You choose to stay, which means that you are not happy with the situation, and he does horrible things to you & says horrible things to you, yet you don't leave! You are not responsible for his anger! He chooses how to express his own emotions. You are not the cause of his abuse! He chooses to abuse you even though it hurts you & you don't like it! Why isn't he choosing to treat you like he loves you? Maybe he doesn't know how. He needs help, but you can't help him! You've already tried! Tell him he needs to help himself, and if he doesn't care about himself, or you enough to help himself learn how to control his emotions in an anger management program, you will leave! There are TONS of guys out there who know how to treat a lady! His anger is his problem, and if he wants to go on being angry all the time, it's his problem, and YOU are NOT the cause of it!
Read the informantion on the two websites below. Make sure you click the next button at the bottom of each page on the anger management info. It will help you to understand, and realize what's really going on. It's really important! Please read it!
2007-03-13 07:55:50
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answer #1
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answered by lisalikes70scheese 3
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I am not sure I have an answer But I was in the same Kinda of relationship and I kept going back I Finlay did something to keep me from going back I married a Guy I only new for 2 weeks ! Now It's been about 1 1/2 yr and I can tell you this My worst day with My New Husband Beats My Best Day with my Ex Boyfriend I didn't see how bad it had gotten tell I Finlay got away . I'm not saying that My Husband and I have not Had Problems We have , But everyday I fall more in love with him, He has put up with a lot from me and he still loves me ! I have to be honest I did not love him when I married him . But I love him more than anything And I am A much happier Person today then I was 2yrs ago. The scares Will probably never Heal But At least everyday when I wake up I can smile and look forward to the day, I use to get mad that I wasn't dead Because living with abuse like that Is not away for anyone to live . I'm Sorry ... No one deserves going through what I know your going through.
2007-03-13 14:48:50
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answer #2
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answered by ? 1
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You keep trying to save him and you hope he will reward you by offering you his love.Are you shacking?If so this adds to it.He hasnt changed and asked you to be his wife.Quit trying to save him, get out on your own work, get some freinds of the same gender go to church and then ask him to go to church,(I like the united pentecostals) and tell him to get some counseling.You cannot fix him and 6 1/2 yrs is proof.It takes him seeing the need to change, being willing to change and usually the power of GOD to change a person.Once you have both grown some then you may decide you werent ever really a match or that you are.You arent now and neither of you will ever be happy until some change is made.
2007-03-13 19:18:16
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answer #3
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answered by Anonymous
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Sometimes we have a hard time letting go of someone that we love even though we know that they are no good for us. Letting go is also harder the longer we have been with the person.
I had a man like that in my life. He was a cheater, criminal, liar and I thought he was the greatest love of my life. Eventually it came down to this. Can I trust him to change? No. Is he the type of man that will stick around? No. Can I rely on him to help me raise responsible children? No, he's not responsible himself. Ask yourself these questions. If you answer negatively, just let him go.
You don't have to hate him, just acknowledge that he is not good enough for you and move on. I have since found a wonderful man and couldn't be happier. It is possible! Good luck.
2007-03-13 14:19:38
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answer #4
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answered by Momma 3
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It would be good to read on codependant relationships! Its very easy to fall into if u have all right traits.Its like a need u have and seems to happen to alot of us.We will find another just the same as the last guy.If u could break the cycle of being a co dep.u will find a whole new life.Good luck!
2007-03-13 14:18:21
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answer #5
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answered by jessy 3
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It seems to me that you have a thing about being a "messiah" figure where you help others but end up sacrificing your self and self worth. Once this realy sinks in, you'll see how damaging it is and that you get the rush out of helping but feel very upset that you are not treated with at least some respect in return. Hope you see the light soon.
2007-03-13 14:17:40
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answer #6
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answered by Brainiac 4
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Okay...here goes....the reason is you have no self esteem. Zip, zilch, nada. Your statement tells me that you think you can change him. That you're "good" for him. Hogwash. This fellow will not change. If he can't see these values that you claim to have then it won't change. You'll just become Little Miss Punching Bag Doormat.
Do yourself a favor. Save these values you have for a man that will not only appreciate them but show his gratitude by loving you, caring for you and making him an intergal part of his life. As far as this guy goes...you'll get nothing but pain and misery. Make the move and lose this excess baggage.
2007-03-13 14:17:22
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answer #7
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answered by Quasimodo 7
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I have been in a similar situation. I knew I needed to get out and I kept going back, it finally took him breaking my finger and throwing me down the stairs with my daughter in my arms to realize that this is no place for me to be. Only you can decide that enough is enough. You know its never going to change. After 6 1/2 years I am sure it has just gotten worse and not better. You can't change someone who isn't willing to change themselves. You need to get out for your own safety and emotional stability. You also need to find a professional to talk to and get yourself some self esteem and self worth. You deserve better than what this man has been giving you for the last 6 1/2 years.
2007-03-13 14:32:15
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answer #8
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answered by chefck26 4
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First, you didn't bother to tell us anything that makes any sense about why this relationship is bad.
Second, if it hurts smaking your head into a wall, the thing non-crazy people do is stop smaking their head into the wall.
I think you're a little sick.
2007-03-13 16:35:20
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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He has yet to hurt you more than you love him. People keep going back to bad relationships because they do love the person, but that oerson has yet to hurt the other more than they love them. Until he reaches that point, unless you make up your mind to stay away and that it's over, you will continue to go back to him time after time.
2007-03-13 14:20:57
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answer #10
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answered by Steel 3
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