Revenge seems the only way to get even with my deceiving husband. Am I right?

Question

As I've said, for 3 decades I thought our marriage was perfect but it's not. Just recently discovered he has a child from another woman whose age is between my children. And I'm hurting so much that I feel and need to get even, that maybe if I will have a "fling" even for a day, then I would feel much better and guilty and move on. You know, both are at fault now so might as well forgive and forget and also to satisfy my pride. Love is out of the question now. It's vengence that matters to me. God I am so hurt! What do you think? Opinions are highly welcome and appreciated. Help! Enlighten me, please!

Answer 1

Revenge will not give you the peace in your heart, that you're searching for. In fact, it will only complicate things for you. Live a good, above-board life.....that's the best revenge you can ever get! I know you're hurt, but don't drag yourself down to his level........you're better than that!

Answer 2

Don't be a jerk. By all appearences you don't seem to be one so don't act like one.
Despite people saying "I know how you feel" and so on nothing feels like a hot poker going through your chest than finding out you've been betrayed. Moreso as there is a child involved and with another. Thirty years is a long time to just toss everything out the window. Are you sure this is the avenue you want to take? I realize that you may feel this way at this moment but maybe you can find some redemption here. Again...not knowing all the details I can only speculate.
Talk about the pain. Talk to someone about it. Anyone close? That helps. You need a cooler head in this situation. despite what you may want to do take my word on this....revenge is a very poor move to make. Having an affair is no better. Boy I wish this were face to face...these subjects are never easy to broach in this manner or format.
I can tell you this. I know the pain you're feeling. All too well. My circumstances were entirely different but the pain I experienced is no different and I had forgotten how bad it can feel.
Talk to your friends. Avoid counselors at this stage. Try your close friends and for God's sake if one of them is male be careful. Some men will recognize you at your weakest and take advantage of it. Dogs that they may be.

Answer 3

This is a healthy response, I think, to having your husband go outside of the marriage to betray you. You are thinking that if you had a fling that you could return his betrayal with betrayal and not the love that you have given him all of these years that he has been deceiving you. Your self esteem is taking a real beating too. So while vengeance is part of the reason that you want this fling but also to feel desired again. I think if that will make you feel better go for it. Just don't let that be the whole game plan. Think about the great life you are going to have once you move through this very painful experience. It is cliche and true, whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I went through a horrible break up with my ex. Now I am grateful for it because I got real clear about what I wanted in a relationship. I wanted honesty, commitment, compatibility, mutual trust, shared goals, fun, a sense of humor yata yata. I did have a "friend" for a few months we had fun together but I knew that we were buddies. When I stopped worrying about when my love was going to show up there he was. You are going to have to go through the hard work of healing from this relationship..in the meantime a fling ( as long as you recognize it for what it is) may be just the thing.

Answer 4

Your hurt now! But time does heal and it may seem like that will never happen right now, but it will. Think of all the people in the world who have overcome this pain. You are not the first and you wont be the last. Just hang in there and it will get better. Revenge does not solve problems, for you it will only make them worse. After you do it it will just make you feel more empty because you are going to regret sleeping with someone that you don't know or care about. Even if you do know them you know darn well that you wouldn't not be doing that if he didn't do it to you. It's not worth it. You have more respect than that. And if you do it anyway you will feel awful being under the covers with someone you don;t love. Just wait it out, and then later you can say that you were nothing but good to him and he is the idiot that messed around on you.

Answer 5

Listen! Two wrongs don't make a right! Even if you did cheat on your husband, it will never change that fact or the hurt about what he did to you. You could have a fling with a 100 guys, and nothing about the way you feel would change. I think the bigger question is, "Does your husband feel any remorse about what he did?" 'Cause this is the first step to recovery. If not, then maybe you need to explore other options, 'cause that marriage is not gonna work. Either way, dealing with your resentment (which is perfectly normal to have), is going to be the real issue. There's a lot of questions to be answered. Was this his first and only time? Like I mentioned before, "Is he sorry for what he did?" I'd hate for you to throw away a marriage of 30 years without first trying to make it work. I know it hurts, and it probably hurts bad, but your doing the same thing to him, is not going to change anything. Work toward resolving the issue instead.

Answer 6

First have some marriage counseling - just to air your grievances with a third party. He will be embarassed and defensive. You will feel stronger. Then divorce is the best revenge and you will be able to tell the judge that you did indeed seek marital counseling. Needless to say, the counseling is a waste of time for the guy. Then again, there is always the chance that in counseling, he might open up to you and beg you to forgive him and you might come to understand what happened between you. But - don't count on it.
Forget the fling. It will only look bad for you. Have as many flings as you want after the divorce papers are signed.

Answer 7

Revenge always does sound good when you are that hurt and angry whether it is right or wrong. It may salvage your pride for the moment, but you said yourself there would be a guilty concience to deal with and it would most probably be on top of the hurt and anger not in place of it.

You need to respect yourself now that he has disrespected you, your children, himself, the other woman and his other child. There is no easy way to move on, especially when he will still be a part of your life for your childrens' sake, but you can choose not to let this destroy you and everything else in your life.

If you are planning on a divorce then wait to have your fling until the divorce is final (but as a Mom you still have to be responsible about your fling or flings). If you are not planning on divorcing then don't make his mistake yours. He has to own up to what he did and if you did the same as him then he will see everything as okay.

Answer 8

From experience, it is perfectly human to have the feelings that you are having. Having a fling may not be right , cause we all know 2 wrongs dont make a right. The fling is not gonna make what he did go away, if you are a GOD fearing person you already know what not to do. No matter what you do, the though is gonna always be in the back of your head, and the fact that there is a child involved dosen't help the situation at all nithere, so i say just go with what ever gonna make you feel better. And keep yo head up no matter what. you are a beautiful person, dont let him make you think its your fault.

Answer 9

Revenge does seem like the best thing when someone hurts your pride, but "two wrongs don't make it right" From my experience with men, believe me this man knows that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, and it would hurt his pride if you were to leave. I know you might not want to hear this but If you sleep with another man, that would just make you look like a s**t in his eyes of course he'd be hurt, but only because his good girl has turned bad. But if you leave him, and show him that what he did doesn't hurt you, that is hasn't stopped your life, that you can still live without him, and be happy with someone that can appreciate you, that would hurt him more than anything in the world, and he'd have to live with it for the rest of his life. The thought of him losing the best woman he had, because of one stupid mistake, and nothing he could do could ever change what he did. So believe me he'll be hurt, and miserable. Don't ruin your reputation because he cheated, just leave him, or cheat and stay, it's up to you. But you already said that love was out of the question, so what other reason would you have to stay.

Answer 10

Why in the world would you want to lower yourself to his level? You have a legitimate grounds for a divorce and take the kids and the house. He has no right to play you that way! Does he even show remorse or request forgiveness from you? Be the bigger person and let him go and move on!!! Let everyone see him for the scum sucking jerk he is! Nothing hurts a man more then showing his true colors when he is a jerk!
Remember that not all men are jerks there are some real keepers out there, but throw this one back!
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 11

A fling is definitely not a the right answer to this situation. You need to take a step back and reflect if you want to be in this marriage and then if you can you need to forgive and forget. If you can never do both of these then staying married is not the right thing to do. I was cheated on and I could never forget it. I forgave but could not forget. We fought constantly and I had no trust for him. If he told me the sky was blue I have to double check because I truly did not trust him. Life was way to short to be doing that all the time so I chose to leave and was much happier. What has been done is done so now you need to decide what you want to do with your life. You should do what is right for you and no one else. He doesn't' get to decide what is best for you any more.

Good Luck and I wish you well.