How do I help my boyfriend through his divorce?

Question

My BF of 6 months has been waiting for 2 1/2 yrs. for his divorce. It has been HELL - married for 28 years, brought up two kids, had the house w/picket fence type deal until his now ex decided she did not want the life anymore and left him. It was an very bad time for him, but he began to pull out of it and was doing good when we met. Yesterday what he thought would be a regular court day turned out to be the day things got settled. He did not tell me details except that he has to move out of the house (it was her family home and we have already talked of moving in together) - but still - he paid & pays for EVERYTHING! I also know she got no support. However this morning, he hurt his back and called me - I went over to help and in tears he told me again how much he loves me & that he's sorry & how he's such a wreck - etc.. I am worried that I do not know what to do to get him through this - any advice? I'm not worried that our relationship will end -just want to get him through

Answer 1

just give an ear an listen...do not judge or offer advise

Answer 2

He should already know that you love him if you’ve been with him for 6 months of this whole ordeal. The best thing that you can do is just continue giving him the support that he’s going to need in order to get beyond this and deal with this. I’m not sure why his lawyer didn’t inform him of what would take place in court before he got there. He needs to question what exactly was his attorney doing for him that he wasn’t informed of what would be happening yesterday when he got to court. When he’s ready to give you the details he will share them with you. Until he’s willing to talk about yesterday continue to give him the support (shoulder to cry or lean on) that he needs. Don’t offer up any comments because right now he really doesn’t need you making comments about his ex all that’s going to do it build hate in his heart for her and after all she is the mother of his children. Unfortunately he made the mistake of moving into a home that her family owned therefore even though he was paying the bills he had to go. Tell him to think of it this way, the sooner he gets his entire life out of her house the sooner he can start living a new life. He can be free of her and dealing with the drama of divorce. Don’t concern yourself on her having support of not. She’s not your concern your man is your concern. When he breaks down, you give him lots of hugs. You also tell him that he has nothing to be sorry for. Let him know that you hold nothing against him so he doesn’t have to apologize. Tell him that you’re not doing anymore than he would do if you were in his shoes. To get his mind off of what he’s been dealing with maybe take him some place for the weekend if you can afford it. If not over the weekend, have a picnic at your place if it’s cold where you live. Lay a blanket on the floor in your living room, have candles play some music and just relax and talk about where you go from there. In the mean time buy him some roses that say, “hey baby, I know you’re dealing with a lot and right now you feel like the whole world is on your shoulders and it’s against you but I’m here right by your side where I want to be.” Do you know there are so many men out there that have never gotten roses or flowers? To get him through this you have to continue assuring him that he will be fine. Everything will work out for the best for him once he's done dealing with this. Tell him to keep his head up and think positive because much better days are coming for him. Remind him that GOD doesn't give us more than what he knows we can deal with. This is a test that GOD is giving him to see if he'll pass. You have to believe he'll pass and help him pass. I wish you and your man the best. I know he'll be ok and so will you.

Answer 3

Oh wow, been there, done that....

Bad news is.....get ready for more of this drama in your life, for the rest of your relationship....are you ready?

Good news is....life can be good/better the second time around.

My husband was married for 38 years, same scenario as you described....but trust me, know one knows exactly what goes on behind that pristine white picket fence.....

You can find a book on Amazon "How to Survive your Boyfriends Divorce"....but I found it a little too negative, and couldn't get through it.

Curious as to how old you are.....?

It sounds fair that he has to move out of her family home.....good on the not having to pay her support, that could've gone on and on forever.....

Not sure what the hold up is.....2 1/2 years is along time.

Best advice my husband got when going through his divorce was to throw as much "cash" at her as he had to....every last cent if necessary, just to get rid of the b****. He actually walked away with the business, the real estate, because all she saw was dollar signs.....and now he can earn his money back while she burns through her settlement.....

Answer 4

Just listen and be there for him. Dont get involved in ex wife bashing or worry about how much he had to pay. Dont expect anything more than to be his supporter for now. Dont expect committment most of all because he will not get over 28 yrs and jump back in. He is grieving and has to go thru a period of soul searching and great loss.
I know this because my ex husband left me for a woman who was married for 20 yrs. She left her husband over their affair. Her husband visited me nite and day, even woke me up in the middle of the nite just to talk. He wanted to know everything about my ex trying to decide what went wrong in his marriage. His grief made him physically ill. Finally after about 10 yrs, he moved on to re marry and came to visit me about a month ago. It was nice to see him able to have a genuine smile and be happy.
Dont expect anything from your boyfriend. You are there to support him and that is all for now.

Answer 5

Pick him up and give him a hand in his time of need.The house was her property her families.Then he didn't have to pay rent for a while, that was a plus.When a woman leaves her own home for any reason, there was something that she couldn't take anymore.She also had 28 years invested in the marriage,think long before you leap.Things are never the way they seem...Dump the lump.

Answer 6

Just support him. Cook him dinner bring candles, something yummy and nice...make it a good evening. Be positive and supportive and deal with the positive. Don't accentuate the negative. And don't go freaking out on the ex. Don't bash her to him...that is really damaging to your relationship. As far as "between him and her" just stay out of that. Be good to him and give him lots of hugs and kisses.

Answer 7

Stay out of it.
You are much more help to him if you stay out of it, keep your head clear and he can come to you to calm down.

No point in the both of you getting worked up. The house isn't worth it, the harder you fight, the more damage will be done.
Plenty more houses left.
If you stick close with your man and his ex sees it, it will only infuriate her and encourage her to make things harder on him.

There's nothing you can do in the procedures anyway. You can be there for him when he needs support. Do that. Be his support. Be his home.

It's between them, stay out of it and let it be over sooner rather than later.

Answer 8

Just be there and be understanding, when I went through mine, there were times my wife did'nt know if I'd come home, hell I didn't know if I would come home. that was 12 yrs ago. I'm still coming home And she's the last love I'll ever have

Answer 9

There is nothing you can do to help him get through this. He will continue to be a wreck until everything is done, so hold on. There is no way to fully have him until everything is done with the other situation. Good luck.

Answer 10

Give him a couple of Advils and find a man with less baggage.

Good luck

Answer 11

Are you SURE that you are NOT the rebound girl? Go to the library for there are alot of books on this subject, been there!