What would you suggest?

Question

After 5 years of marriage my husband over the weekend gave me a list of all my faults and the complaints he has about me. He explained he loves me and would like me to change. I do not feel his love right now. I feel rejected and hurt. This was difficult to hear as my first marriage was to a very abusive man. He was extremely angry when this was all said, so last night I approached him, figuring without all the anger I could understand better what he was trying to tell me. He explained he wasn't going to apologize for anything he said the day before because it was all true. That I needed to change. He brought up every little thing that I may or may not have said or done over the past 7 years. He told me I was judgemental, unkind, selfish, hateful, ungiving, a victim and an abuser, but if I was willing to listen to him and change there was hope for us. I just don't know where to go from here. It honestly feels like he dropped a bomb inside my body and blew me to pieces.

When I tried to talk about things further he told me I was just doing what I always do. Which when asked, is twisting it back onto him, making him my victim so I don't have to take the responsibility for my actions. When I ask him what I did exactly, he tells me that the fact I don't even realize how hateful I am is even worse. The conversation ended with him telling me he was tired of being my victim. To let him sleep. It is not always all about me

I have been in therapy for a while. I have been working very hard to become a healthier happier person. I did once buy into my ex husbands lies that he hit me because I made him. I don't feel the need to be nasty or mean to my husband to get back at him. I feel hurt. This came out of nowhere. At least from my perspective. Although I see from him this has been building for a very long time. I called my therapist and offered my husband the chance to go together. He told me I have the issues to change. He is the victim. Nevermind. I guess I just feel like I needed a kind ear.

I am not sure why you think I am backing down and need a backbone....while on here I am trying to find myself an apartment.....I had mean't I just needed a kind ear for a moment.....This has been a devastating three days. I do not believe I am perfect and without fault. I am working hard to improve what I know. I just needed an ear as my world feels as though it has fallen apart. I know for my children, a safe enviroment is not one where the father is using vulgar language and yelling and blaming. Anyway that was all I had mean't.

Answer 1

These feelings of rejection, resentment and confusion are all based on the fact that inside you probably feel that at least some of these things are occasional aspects of your personality. These are times when our initial reaction would be to find dirt on them, and throw it up in their faces. The mature response would be along the lines of admittance. Unfortunately, he's given you a written ultimatum, which means his thoughts on these issues have been reoccurring. I would ask him if he is sure he wants to set these kinds of limitations on your relationship. Questions are more helpful to your understanding than accusations. Let him know this hurt you deeply, and that you feel you may want to change these things, but also ask him if he's taken into consideration what it may take for you to make the changes. Both time and energy and his care and patience are all ingredients to the recipe of real change. Eventually, you can become more of the woman he sees fit for his life. But these behaviors make me wonder, if that is what you really want. Does he provoke, anger and fits of rage in you? Do you feel calm and easy all hours of the day, until you are around him? Think (to yourself) about how these changes will really benefit you both.


hope this is helpful. Good luck with it.

P.s. Don't for get the kids are around to absorb these same personality traits. Think about involving them in this change, if you so choose to do it.

Answer 2

Wow, I feel so sorry for you. I suppose that your husband has no faults, and you could not possibly complain about him; correct.

If there are problems in a relationship, there are problems being contributed to by both people, it is not one-sided.

If this all has been dropped on you out of the blue, there is more going on here than he is saying.

Many husbands or wives who are no longer happy in their marriages, and have gone outside the marriage, will turn around and dump all over the partner, in order to make their actions right.

There is a high chance that he has had, or is having an affair; and this is his way of getting out of the relationship to rid himself of guilt.

If you have honestly not been all of the listed items that he wrote down, you need to get some counseling for yourself; this may only be the tip of the iceberg.

Everyone who is human, has some faults; but I do not see your husband suffering through this list of faults for five years and ignoring it all until now.
Somehow or other, unless you realize that he has been trying to bring up all these faults previously; there is something else behind this.

Men communicate totally differently from women, I am sure that he thinks that you are going to look at this list as a to do list and not feel emotionally scarred.

I would suggest that if you are interested in reworking this relationship you need to get some marriage and family counseling, as a couple and as individuals right away.

If he refuses to go to counseling, this proves that he is dumping all the responcibility on you; which is untrue and unfair. There is more going on outside of the home.

You do need to get counseling for yourself, for your strength and stability and move forward from there.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you have children with this man, you need to think of their best interests and your own health and well-being first and foremost.

I just read the additional information you added, and since you have been going for therapy and trying to change; he definitely is dumping on you. He does not want to work on the marriage, this is his childish and immature way of making it all your fault, and from the way you ended your last addition, you are going to back down and let him rule you, which is admitting that you are the only one in the wrong.

You need to grow up, and get a backbone, he is not being fair to dump this all on you, but until you realize that for yourself; there is nothing we can say to help you; kind ears or not.

Answer 3

I can't believe the nerve of your husband doing this to you. I'm sure if you took the time you could just as easily come up with your own list of all his faults and the complaints you have about him. It sounds like he doesn't want to be in this marriage anymore, sorry to tell you that. If some of the things on his list are true then maybe you need to work on those things. But you shouldn't have to due it with this kind of pressure. He should be helping you. You both should be dealing with these problems together. It sounds like he feels he has done nothing wrong in this relationship. That he is just the perfect husband and he deserves to have a perfect wife. Well, he can keep dreaming. It will never happen. Good luck to you both.

Answer 4

If he doesn't like you and feels that you're the one who needs to change then he is a total ego maniac. No one can change someone else, only you have the power to change yourself. He sounds like a big bully. Why did he suddenly bombard you with all this hatred? It sounds strange that he would do it all of a sudden as though he were keeping everything inside for years! Or maybe he's having an affair and everything you do offends him. Think it over..and then try to talk to him without emotions spilling over.

Answer 5

wow. some husband. How can you come back from that? I think if it were me i would tell him that i am sorry he feels that way, but he married you for who you are not for who he wants you to be. you may want to read between the lines of his actions. sounds likethere may be more going on than you know about. I cant imagine why someone would say hurtful things like that.maybe he sees all of his faults and posesses them by making you feel the waY he does about himself. Listen girl, dont let a man treat you that way. there are so many ppl , men and women who want to own their spouse. there is more to life than bending over backwards for some one who will never do the same for you.

Answer 6

If you want to be understood...listen.

He told you that something was wrong with your behavior. Listen and accept that noone is perfect...not even you. For the sake of your marriage to some soul search and recognize your faults and do your homework to fix them

Good luck

Answer 7

It may hurt initially, but it will pass. It's very difficult for a person to change. If he can't accept you for who you are, then divorce is the best path.

Answer 8

I would suggest two things, Seek counseling, and set up a voice activated tape recorder. If he's always been unkind ok, but if he's agood man, maybe you both can grow from this.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

possibility to end of the marriage