Why do friendships seem to end when one person has a baby, and the other doesn't?

Question

When I was in my 20s and 30s, and all of my friends were having children, it was a struggle to keep in touch with them. It seemed to me that I always tried, but they stopped bothering. I don’t know if they didn’t have time for anyone , or they just didn’t have time for me, and wanted to spend their time with other people who had children. We may have had different priorities, but it doesn't naturally follow that the friendship needed to end because of it. In our society, in almost always does. Now my best friend (a gay man) is having a child. I'm older now, and more attached to my friendships, and less inclined to let them slip away. What do I need to say to him to let him know that I understand that all he will want to talk about will be babies, and I'm willing to go with that as long as he doesn't feel a need to cut me out of his life because I don't have kids.

Answer 1

Being one of those who has had children, we don't stop bothering about our friends but we do need to change our priorities and focus more on family. Stop by and just have coffee with your friend and visit for an hour. Offer to help him shop for baby items, groceries or offer to babysit for a few hours and let him do what he needs to do. Being a friend is about showing how much you care. He will appreciate your efforts much more than you will ever know and he will know he has a true friend.

Answer 2

Some people feel that people who don't have children don't understand their lives anymore. But that is not true for everyone i have 4 children and 2 of my closest friends don't have children but i still make time for them we have 1 night a week where we have dinner and watch a movie or do other stuff with just us. So you could try just being there for your friend and everything will work out. It will be hard on your friend in the begining with a baby so just be patient.
Good Luck.

Answer 3

I'm not sure it is intentional. Speaking from experience( I have been on both sides of this) it seems to get harder to get together when one has a child and the other doesn't. Your priorities change, and when it used to be easy to just call and get together this is no longer the case. And when you do get together, the one with the child will want to talk about the baby(even if we claim we're going out to get a break!) Talk to your friend and let him know how you feel! Maybe you can even offer to watch the baby, so he knows you want to stay in touch.

Answer 4

My friendships have waned a bit since having kids, but I still have my friends. We just don't get to see each other as often. For me I can say a large part of it is time, energy, and money. My childless friends can afford to go out a lot more than I can. Also because of our kids, my husband and I don't get too much alone time, so when I can get a sitter, most of the time we opt to do stuff alone together, than with our friends, so we stay connected. And sometimes even when I have the time and the money to go out, I am tired and would rather relax. Sometimes too, I may have the time, money, and energy and can't find a sitter. My childless friends don't just drop by anymore like they used to either. I don't know if it's because they don't want to intrude or if they don't want to be around my kids for too long. I don't drop by their house like I used to either because of my kids. i don't want to intrude on their (my friends) quite time. I do make a conscience effort to have a girls night out once a month to keep in touch and rejuvenate myself though. (My husband does the same for himself too)
And no, I'm not obsessed about my children. I am perfectly capable and happy to talk about other things, believe me, I'm a SAHM. I get my fill of kids.☼

Answer 5

that happens when your in your twenties. the kids and family thing comes first. how could you understand what it is to take care of a baby full time. after all you dont have one. which means you have nothing in common. they dont want to hear how much fun your having going out, no babysitter. oh the fun. as we get older the understanding changes, your able to cope with a baby. you can tolerate the crying and the terrible twos. heck you might even babysit once in a while. i think back when my kids were little and i did the same thing. as did they when they started having kids. sometimes being childless get in the way of a friendship. the kids need someone to play with lol.

Answer 6

Some people become obsessed with the baby and can't for one minute not talk about them or pay attention to something other than the baby. The baby won't die if you actually listen to your freind ( or husband) for one minute without paying attention to the baby. Those people then can't be invited to couples and kids gatherings because they are so obsessed with their kid.

Try focusing on something other than your kid, having an adult conversation. The other person cares about your kid and the cute things that it does but does have some other life. So should you.

Answer 7

You can't be spontaneous with kids. You have to get a sitter, or go places that are kids friendly. You're more self consious that your house isn't clean, stuff like that When you do have time for a break, you just want to sleep. I kept one friendship for awhile by holding housecleaning parties. (she has 5 kids) everyone would pick a color, and pick up toys that fit the color. As for going out on the town, it just wasn't in the cards.

Answer 8

Then you need to try and take an interest in his baby and you will automatically be a part of his life. Be kind to his child and be like an aunt if possible. You can't expect him to see you as often if you aren't interested in his life and that child will become his life, not just a subject to talk about.