What do you do when the wife you married, after 18 years of marriage cheats and does drugs?

Question

I still want to work it out. About 9 months ago she started hanging out with a boarder in our house. We have a severely autistic child and it can be difficult for my wife to make friends so I thought it might be a good idea for her to have somone to talk to. She started hanging out in his room a lot with the door open and just talking. She was staying up late talking with his door open and he had a guy that was his friend in there too. I trust her and go to bed. I wake up at 3am and the wife is not in bed. I go to tell her to come to bed and the guys door is closed with the lights off and the bed springs making noise. I cracked the door and the wife is getting banged by both guys! I am in shock and felt betrayed and just closed the door and sat in a chair to wait for her to come out. She comes out after about another half hour and is shocked to see me waiting. She says she is sorry and she just kind of got stoned and did what felt good. This coming from the woman to much

...the prude to do anything more than missionary with me. So I try to work things out with her she tells me it was just a one time thing. But I catch her again and she is stoned other times now. She insists that if I do anything about the boarder she will leave me. To compensate she starts doing things with me in the bedroom that I had always wanted her to do but she was too timid...well she is not inhibited anymore. I kind of let things go on with her going and doing whoever she wanted, part becaus eI felt stuck and part because selfishly she was now totaly satisfying me sexually. This went on for a while and she even started sleeping with women too. Eventually I had a jealous runin with the boarder and he left he left. She has not forgiven me. This also brings a problem, I kind of want the normal marriage back and she says I do not satisfy her since she likes doing more than one guy at once and @nal both things I will not do with her. She also insists on pot which I hate.

The boarder was needed for the money because my wife could no longer work because of my son's behaviors we could find no one who would watch him. I do not make much money and the ironic thing was she asked me to get a male boarder because she did not feel it was appropriate to have a woman boarder with me being a man.

She did pot in high school and did not do it again(as far as I know) until the boarder incident.

Yes, I do now suspect she had previous affairs(she does not admit to it). When she worked at one company she started working late with no answer of phone and went in Saturdays and sunday to work. But was not bringing home any overtime pay...???

I fear that things are at the point of divorce. We have gone down two seperate paths..

Answer 1

Holy Crap! You didn't run in there? You didn't say anything? After 18 years, is this the first time she has done it? I see both sides. She was stoned, and probably not in her right frame of mind, so if that's TRUE, okay, but, I've heard Dr. Phil say "Never trust your spouse to be alone with the opposite sex". He said he doesn't even trust his 100%, because when you do, that's when the trouble starts. Some people need help to do the right thing, and I'm sorry, you should have NEVER left her alone in a mans room, and go to bed. If you still love her, just kick the boarder out, get a FEMALE boarder, and you can probably work this out.

Answer 2

Why would you take a male boarder in your home? For companionship for your wife? When it became obvious that your wife and this boarder were spending too much time with each other (in the wee hours of the morning), why did you not address it? When it became apparent to you that the boarder and the friend and your wife were doing drugs why did you not end the hospitality at that point? I would tell the boarder that he must find other living quarters, I would let the wife know that your marriage is on the line, get marriage counseling. If she was only smoking pot I don't think she needs rehab, but if it is crack or meth you must get her help for that first. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

if u decide to keep her, she will keep doing the same things to u, u were betrayed, and will keep getting betrayed by her, if she loved u she would never have done this in the first place to u. drugs change people and not for the better, relationships don't work when one partner wants to do drugs and the other one doesn't. she is traveling down a different path than u want to go, the marriage will not work now, she won't be satisfied with it, or u. getting stoned is a way of life for some people, and hard to cope with if your straight and normal and aren't into it. u need to get a divorce and move on, this drug thing is bigger than what it seems.

Answer 4

Dude why did the boarder have to be a man? I guess you but a tempting situation in your home and your wife could not uphold her moral values as your wife and she sacrificed you and your child because it felt good.. I would have to look at this as serious matter. can you look at her the same way,have your feelings changed and the ultimate question has she done this before? Family does not do this if they love and are committed to the family unit...

Answer 5

Your house! Your wife!
Next time, fire up a joint and barge in to join in the activities. You might learn something. A little 'bi'- action never hurt anybody either!
Bring in a trollop of your own!
Keep an open mind.
Do the boarders pay the rent on time? ...gotta consider all the angles you know.

Answer 6

Divorce her and take care of your child! She is obvisouly more concerned with getting laid than taking care of your child or her marriage! I feel sorry for your child! What kind of example are either of you setting if you allow this type of thing to go on in your house?? If she is doing drugs and you allow it then both of you are screw balls and putting your child at risk! You better hope the authorities don't find out or you'll lose your kid! You already know that you want to stay with her, so why are you even asking this question? Stop being selfish and put your kid first for once for God's sake!!!

Answer 7

Time to get a divorce Pal. This is what divorce is for exactly.
Next time make sure you are both sexually compatible before you marry. And don't take in any boarders.

Answer 8

Call it a hunch, but for some reason I don't think you're as disgusted by this as you sound. Makes me wonder how long you stood with the door cracked watching your wife getting railed by two horny guys before you left. Sorry if this seems insensitive, but that's my answer and I'm sticking to it.

Answer 9

drugs make people do bad things and they will continue to do things to get drugs. i would evict the boarder today and tell him he is to stay away from my wife. i would insist she get help for her drug abuse and she needs to go and have random hiv or aids test for several months. if she refuses then i would kick her out and make her stay away from any children you have while she is like this. go see a lawyer to see what you can do to force her to get help. sometimes hard love is what it takes.
you need to do what is best for yourself as well. i would find someone to talk to. do not ignor your needs.

Answer 10

You need to divorce.

Most guys would have blown her *** away with a 12 gauge, or at least torched the two a holes in the house.

get an attorney, and end it and find someone to help you with your daughter, your wife's not fit.