13 year old son is defiant and out of control - HELP?

Question

Our son is a good kid when he wants to be. with that said... It is to the point that he only listens when he wants to. He won't do chores, he won't do anything when asked unless he is "made" - it always has to be huge fight, where he throws a fit (throws stuff, pounds the wall, slams doors, ect...) he won't get up to go to school unless he wants to and has missed several days because of it. He hates school. All he wants to do is play games and be on the computer. We have done everything that we can think of - nothing works. He is so stubborn - spanking doesn't work, stripping his room of his stuff doesn't work, grounding him from everything doesn't work. We follow through with our punishments, he just waits us out and then goes back to the same behavior - when he's under punishment he is on good behavior... we're at a loss - who to turn to and where to get help - we're in the process of having him tested for a learning disability or adhd - what do we do in the mean time?

along with testing, we are going through Riley Children's Hospital Psychology Clinic, so we are taking a lot of different routes. What are we suppose to do while we are in the middle of trying to figure this out? What will the school do if I can't get him to go to school? We are trying to take this one day at a time, but we don't know who to talk to, we did go to our family doctor and he sent us to Riley. We are in limbo and doing the waiting thing and don't know how to handle things until we get some answers from the professionals. It seems like if your child hasn't broken any laws or hurt someone it really isn't that serious and you should be able to handle it. we are just lost - we feel like we are good parents and we are trying to do all we can to make the right decisions.

Answer 1

Hates school: Currently, schools are designed for a particular type of student and some boys are not that type. ask guidance counselors about different types of educational options
Chores: you may have to tie incentives to these. emphasize the satisfaction of a job well done
destructive nature: thats from the frustration of his life. find something constructive that directs that frustration to a positive end
Spiritual guidance: Tell him who he is. He is a precious son of God that is loved. Jesus changed the world and can change him.
Computers and games: the bain of every parent. Why do we buy them?
I teach Sunday School to 7-8 grade boys and they are a handful. They want guidance and direction. I have two sons 12 and 10. They want guidance and direction. Try spending a weekend unplugged.

Answer 2

Punishment of bad behaviour satisfies the parents, but doesn't help.
Asking a 13-yo how he feels or what he thinks is no help either.

That's because the boy has no idea what to do.
He doesn't know how he's supposed to behave. He's never been 13 years old before. The only time he knows he's doing the right thing is when he doesn't get punishment.

Try rewarding good behaviour, and ridicule him when he gets angry. Call your husband when he's having a fit and laugh at him. Call him immature, a toddler, a child, and laugh at him together.
On the other hand, when he behaves, give him all the love and appreciation of the world. Not things! Love, and appreciation.
And don't lose your temper. When you lose it, you are behaving like your own 13 year old.

Answer 3

When i was 13 i became very defiant and out of control because i was dealing with issues i felt like i couldn't talk to my parents about. Take the time to consider what is happening in your sons personal/social life. Talk to his teachers or school counselor. This is such a vulnerable time, usually for girls, but your son could be dealing with a lot of peer pressure, bullying or violence at school that is causing him to act out at home where he feels like he has more control over the situation.

Has something happened to your son that he is hiding with his bad behavior? Consider the inconsiderable. Something very traumatic (rape, addiction, this new huffing trend) could have taken over his life.

Before you start blaming yourself, you should confront the issues above. Become a private detective. Look deeper into your sons life to see where the root of his problems are coming from WITHOUT ignoring the possibility that something you may not want to deal with is to blame. Get help from school counselors or even a regular counselor. Find a great mentor for your son through Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America before he turns 14 and reaches the age limit. Don't rule out depression.

Good luck!

Answer 4

It's fantastic that you're getting him tested, and are not in denial. You seem to be an active, caring parent. We need more parents like you. Keep up the great job. Meanwhile:

Plan a family meeting. Have a list of things troubling you. Ask him to have one as well. Tell him what you feel, and what you think has to be done. Ask him for suggestions. Ask him to come up with ideas of things you all can change together. WRITE up a contract, and have all parties involved, sign it. Together, come up with consequences if he does not follow through. Have follow up meetings to see how the issues are going. Catch him being good. Encourage him when he's behaving well. Tell him you love him and that you're proud of his efforts.

Make sure you keep showing him who is boss here. He shouldn't be allowed to slam doors or pound walls, because it is your house, not his, therefore, he can NOT damage it. If he does, you must hold him liable for damages. He can pay for damages by working for you...doing chores, or taking away his computer games.

What about buying him a new computer game through points earned? For example, aim for 20 points. I'm assuming there are about 20 school days per month. He can get one computer game each month : he gets one point per day if his chores are done, and he goes to school. If he misses one day, you take away 2 points.

This is a very tough situation. Make sure he knows you love him, and that you tell him you feel this is for his own good. You teach him that if he puts in his best at school, he'll get the best out of life; If he puts in D's, he'll live a D lifestyle, whereas if he puts in A's, he'll live an A lifestyle.

You should look on the web and read about Dr. Phil's books, particularly Family First, and especially the one that his son wrote, talking to teenagers, for teenagers. Maybe your son will relate. If he has trouble reading, read with him. Share this time together.

Answer 5

Testing for a learning disability at least would eliminate one of the causes but there are many behavior problems that are interpreted as learning disabilities and vice versa. One may enforce the other, also, making it even harder to see what's going on.
For example, your son could be tested for a learning disability and simply refuse to cooperate - they are tests, after all - and he doesn't like tests. Bingo! You've got a diagnosis.
But a behavioral problem would be the cause.
This is my take on learning disability testing, having had some experience with it in my own family. Then an educator I was interviewing mentioned to me that many of the kids she saw who came with LD diagnoses attached were actually kids with behavior problems. And the reverse also.
If you strip his room of his stuff, it doesn't work? How about removing the TV from the house or at least making it a privilege he has to earn, taking away his computer and his cell phone. How about making your home a low-tech place for the next four years, minimum - because like an addict, he can't control himself when it comes to hi-tech games?
He hates school. That's where all his friends are, supposedly. That's the way it work with teenagers. If there are problems with schoolwork, most kids still want to be there because that is where the social life is. Have you thought about switching schools? Who are his friends?
You should know who his friends are - are they kids who get away with choosing when they want to go to school?
Waiting you out and then going back to the same behavior - computer games -sounds like addictive behavior to me. How would you treat him if you recognized it as that - would you think that what you have been doing so far was a way to handle it? Maybe not, if you thought about it that way.
You say that when he's under punishment, he's on good behavior. That could be because he needs a level of structure in his life that your 'punishment' provides.
What you want is for you kid to behave well naturally. There are probably psychologists who would work with him to make that need for structure something he could manage himself (or impose on himself in the form of organizing his life better) but you are involved now because he's forcing you to react all the time.
You are right to be concerned now. Mabye the testing for a learning disability will address just what I listed above - the need for structure. Again, there are people who would simply see exactly the same thing and call it a behavior problem. Unless you are going to call all behavior problems learning disabilities, you have to try to objectively decide what this is - outside of testing, see a therapist who specializes in adolescent issues. He or she will appreciate that the testing was already done.
Years ago, I took a course in behavioral psychology and heard all about negative reinforcement and positive reinforcement. Punishment can actually be a positive reinforcement - because your son is the center of attention and you are spending all your energies on him. That's always gratifying, especially if a kid doesn't have a good social life.
One more story: when I was in high school, I was an average student and my grades weren't a real concern to me - but I loved school because that is where all the action was. My best friend was in another town and a good student. She spent all her time at my school functions, with me, because she never fit in at her school. She had lots of problems and wanted me to run away from home with her - she was fairly desperate at one point - but I woudn't even consider it because I wouldn't want to leave my town, my school, (my home was at the bottom of the list!).
Good luck! The good news is: he's only 13 and you are on this now - you don't want this when he gets older.

Answer 6

go to your friendly police and ask if they have a scare straight program, talk to your son let him know ,that no one can go through this world doing what we want and when we want ,that there are rules and if you don't do what you want there are places you will be put and mom can't help you ,let the police take him to the jail and let him spend a day with inmates, I has a grand son like that , was clown in school quit went back graduated from high school at age 21 last may , he's not perfect but ,I lot better now he talks to his cousins about doing what they are told and getting the job done(finishing school)he also had adhd,(good luck ,I know what you are going through) counseling helped also

Answer 7

Its a good thing that you are having him tested for learning disabilities. Also watch for drug abuse. My son has some of the same signs. we knew he had disabilities but his needs were not met at school after we moved. He ask for a m IA but was ignored . When he reached 8th grade thing got bad. He would go to school but would leave class when he got pressured. This lead to falling way behind. He ended up dropping out in 10th grade. Good news he found thing he likes and is now working for his diploma. Fall through with punishment and consider counsuling.

Answer 8

First off - get that "throwing crap" handled. Spare the rod, spoil the child. If that doesn't work, send him off to military school. Discipline from his peers will mean more than discipline from his folks. Ya got a socialization problem going on. Sucked into computer games reflects that. Start hitting him with the real world, You're the parents, help him shape a moral background.

Answer 9

anger management classes. also no computer. and dont let him "wait u out." just dont give it back permanently. not until he is consistent with his attitude and helping out around the house. think of it as putting him on lock down bc with the way his behavior is progressing he will be in a real prison soon (and that is much worse than any sort of lock down u can do to him) so take away everything except food, shelter, and love and wait it out.

Answer 10

a good smack upside the head always does the trick. parents today need to command discipline, even a bit of fear from their kids, like our parents did to us.

kids today are being given so many options and excuses, that its become customary to overmedicate a child for acting like a child rather than just look at the obvious; that he or she is a kid, gonna act silly and annoying, gonna challenge your authority, and is not gonna follow direction.

just keep him in check. take him to a doctor just to be sure, but dont give in. take away stuff, computers, tvs, etc.

these kids have way too much nowadays as it is.