After being together 14 years, my wife and I were in a kind of lull in our sex life. Neither had any complaints as far as the quality, maybe the quantity was a problem at times, but all in all we had a really good sex life. BUT...it WAS a little boring at times and of course it's only natural to find other people attractive. We both have a wandering eye and will actually get the others attention if an attractive person of the opposite sex walks by.. Anyways, some mutual friends of ours are swingers. After many hints and innuendos we've decided to check out the "lifestyle" by going on a cruise with them in a couple weeks. Maybe nothing will happen but maybe it will. We worry our marriage may suffer in the end. I've had fantasies about this for years, as she has, and have no qualms, at THIS point, with her enjoying someone else...but will she feel the same seeing me with someone else..especially if this other woman REALLY enjoys it? Anyways, anybody out there have experience in this
2007-03-13 00:41:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have experienced it and I felt it was a phase. When we went through it I didn't have a problem with it - once it passed I let it go. Make sure you can do the same before you proceed because you can't go back in time to change it.
2007-03-13 00:45:45 · answer #1 · answered by Dee 3 · 6⤊ 0⤋
These are very common concerns, and it's wise of you to think of them now. Forethought and plenty of communication will save you both a great deal of hurts down the road. Some couples take the "cannonball" approach to experimenting with the lifestyle and jump in on impulse, not thinking over the potential pitfalls and consequences.
Be sure you and your wife talk about this very thoroughly, going over all the nightmare "what ifs" that flit through your mind, no matter how fleeting. This is essential. And always do your best to be open and receptive to one another, never jumping down one another's throats for bringing up something sensitive. It's the sensitive topics that need to be discussed the most thoroughly!
My husband and I have successfully swung and then gone back to monogamy (3+ years now). So it's a myth that you can't go back. The difference is that we're not monogamous because we want to be now...we just have to be. Life is too crazy and unfortunately our sexual playtime is on hold indefinitely. We have just decided that we would never again allow sex to determine the outcome of our relationship. It's a separate issue.
Please see the website below for an awesome community of experienced swingers who like to help with questions just like this one. Good luck!
2007-03-15 20:08:23 · answer #2 · answered by intuition897 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
We've been involved in the lifestyle for several years. My advice to you would be to start off slow. The atmosphere itself can be very exciting. The two of you need to sit down befor the trip and set the boundaries of what is OK and what isnt. Once you set the rules you cannot deviate unless you both agree to. There are also many levels, some couples just enjoy flirting, some like to watch and be watched, some will trade partners for playing only, others go all out. We have always stuck with the watch and be watched, or trading just for play. It has been great for us, we have met some fantastic couples that couldnt possibly be closer. I would recommend that at first you stay with each other then build from there, dont jump in all the way right off the bat since once it happens it cant be taken back. One last word of advice. Agree on a code phrase either can use if they are uncomfortable. Once either says that phrase everything stops and the two of you go off and talk
2007-03-13 09:07:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
The grass it's always greener. There are plenty of ways to spice up your sex life instead of choosing other people to be with. Choosing other people will open the relationship to other people which in turn opens up things that can't always be undone. I think the worries your marriage will suffer in the end are justified. Go on a regular cruise, go to exotic places do other things... But you can not undo this and someone will be hurt, down the road if not a first something will creep into bed with the two of you that won't leave... You will never be alone in the bed anymore even when it is just the two of you and that is the truth. It's not worth it.
Look at the very way you worded the question did you and your spouse 'recover' from it... That in itself shows that there are doubts you don't want to do anything in your marriage you have to worry about not recovering from.
If you do this the two of you will never be alone in bed again, even if it is just the two of you. You will not ever get those thoughts out of your head, what you are turned on by now may end up hauting you thinking and doing are two very different things.
2007-03-13 08:44:11 · answer #4 · answered by Wicked Good 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
We, M 33 and F:32 have been together for more than 12 years. We started 2 years ago into this lifestyle. We both enjoyed the excitement. The love making is never been so good! We both love each other more!
2007-03-15 09:09:05 · answer #5 · answered by allan 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
If in doubt; don't.
I wouldn't be so reactionary as some (ohhh, this will destroy your marriage), but on the other hand, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone that didn't have a rock solid relationship that wasn't prone to feelings of jealousy, bad self-image, performance anxiety, etc.
It will not "fix" a problem in your marriage.
The odds of having a problem are greater than the opportunities for pleasure, but that obviously hasn't stopped people from going bankrupt in Vegas, either, has it?????
2007-03-13 08:12:39 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have not personally taken this adventure, but I had two friends who did. They were married for 7 years, and thought this would be a good idea. The loved each other, and were always together, but thought they needed something in their lives. They went to a swinging party, and it was okay, they talked about it, but not together, they talked seperately to their friends because they did not want to make the other jealous. Well, one party led to another, and two months later, they were apart. Six months later filed for divorce. They both lost trust in each other, and now they are still friends, but friends with regrets. I know this is not what happens every time, but I would consider if you are willing to lose what you have now because you are looking for a little excitement. Good Luck!
2007-03-13 07:50:53 · answer #7 · answered by stormzsecret 3 · 5⤊ 1⤋
Yes, we tried the swinging lifestyle, yes we thought our relationship was secure and no we never recovered from it. I love how people say "set up rules" when you can't really set up rules for your emotions. After the 3rd time, I wanted to stop and he didn't. Our marriage feel apart very quickly after that.
2007-03-13 10:50:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Personally no. But some friends of ours started in this lifestyle a ways back. They are no longer together. I can't say that was all that caused it but I'm sure it was a factor.
I have to say you would have to set up some real ground rules about the entire thing. Set the rules up now rather than later. What is allowed what isn't and what if one of you wants to stop... that type of thing... be careful hopefully you aren't opening up the end of your marriage. or letting in some hurt or resentment down the line.... it's easy to think you are going to be okay with it and then facing it is a whole nother thing...
2007-03-13 07:47:20 · answer #9 · answered by Proud to be APBT 5 · 4⤊ 3⤋
My advice to you.
As long as both of you are secure with seeing the other with someone else, go for it.
If either of you, feel insecure about seeing the other with someone else, don't do it.
I have several swinging friends and they seem to have problems in their marriage because of jealousy.
Looking to spice things up, go on that cruse and watch the other people do their thing, see if that what's your into.
Hope this helps.
2007-03-13 08:02:28 · answer #10 · answered by eyes_of_iceblue 5 · 4⤊ 1⤋