my husband cheated - should i stay or leave?

Question

Me and my husband dated for more than 4 years before we got married in January. from the beginning we knew we wanted to get married, but we had to wait so I could finish my studies. we lived far apart.we got married on a friday. the next tuesday - the day before our honeymoon - he told me that he had had an affair and that they have a baby girl - she's now 1 1/2 years old. he told me that the woman fell pregnant about the 2nd time they slept together. he did not visit often after she fell pregnant-only to hear if the baby's fine-and during that time they never slept together.what devestated me is the fact that after the baby was born he went to see her and continued the affair for another 4months-one of the main resons he waited so long to propose to me.I still love him but don't know whether to stay or leave-i promised "till death do us part".what confuses me is that if he had told me earlier we would not be married right now.it feels as though everything is a liePlease give advice

Answer 1

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I can only imagine how you must feel. Your heart must just be broken and you much feel like everything that you believed in did not even exist!
I totally understand how you feel.
First of all you need to give yourself some time to assimilate what has happened. You have got to feel like you are in shock. One bit of advice, be very careful with who you talk to about this. Writing here was a good idea. You can get some different opinions but you will not have to hear about it forever. If you confide in a friend or heaven forbid, talk to a family member, then if you decide to stay with him they will throw it up to you everytime the two of you have a fight! Not good. Try to keep it to yourself until you have decided what to do. If you decide to leave him it will not matter who you tell, but if you decide to stick it out you will be sorry that you confided in the people that you did. You need to be able to put this behind you and having others remind you of it will not help.
Two things that you need to decide. Can you truly "forgive and forget"? If you cannot, if you are going to hold on to this and throw it up at him every time you are mad at him ( and who could blame you?!) then it is a waste of time. It will never work because you will be taking away any chance it had to work.
The second thing you need to ask yourself is this: Is your life better WITH him or WITHOUT him? You are the only one that can answer that question. What does he add to your life and how much does he mean to you? Are you willing to let this other woman win? Are you going to let the hold she has on him destroy your marriage? After all I am sure that if he had wanted her he could have married her. But he didn't, me married YOU. That has to say something to you. How much does your life with him mean to you? Can you go on with your life with him knowing that when you have a baby with him it will be his second child and not his first? Can you deal with that? He did not live with her and he was not part of her life while she was pregnant like he will be with you. It will be a different situation when the two of you have a baby together.
Maybe you won't know until it actually happens. You need to stay with him long enough to see how it works. See if you can make it work. You can always decide to call it quits but if you give up with out trying you will never know whether or not you could have made it work. At least he was honest with you. A bit late but still he did let you know.
Do you think that you will ever be able to trust him again?
These are the hard questions that you need to ask yourself.
You need to do some real soul searching honey. It is a really hard spot to find yourself in so soon in your marriage. This is when you find out just how much your marriage means to you. I do not know your husband but it seems to me that he must be a decent sort of a man. After all he did come clean and tell you what was going on. Is he really sorry and is he going to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again?
Only you can answer that question. You know his heart better than anyone else. You need to make some very difficult decisions.
You say that if he had told you earlier then the two of you would not be married right now. Well, maybe he knew that too and he did not want to lose you. He must have been going thru hell also.
Bottom line is will you ever be able to trust him again? Only you can answer that question. You have some very hard question to resolve. Don't do anything hasty. Don't make any impulse decision! Think long and hard about this.
A marriage is a precious thing to throw away. You are the one he wanted to marry. You are the one he chose to be his wife. That should mean something.
Blessings to you honey, you have some very hard things to deal with.
I am here if you need someone to talk to. Take care.
Lady Trinity~

Answer 2

He married you under false pretences. Anyone can have a moment of weakness - but its about how you deal with it afterwards. You had a right to know before you made a commitment because this kind of thing makes a real impact as to what you want to do in terms of your commitment. he knowingly denied you this right.

A commitment like marriage is supposed to be based on integrity, honour, truth and love. i think he rendered some of those important ones invalid. Also - this other woman and especially his child will now also be a feature of his life from now on - and therefore yours. If you can live with that and you feel that you can forgive him then stay with him. If you can't then you need to leave.

Whatever you do - don't fall pregnant to salvage a situation - that way lies ruination.

Think about the whole situation - but the ball is definitely in your court - at the end of the day - he betrayed you and has no right to expect or demand anything of you in your decision making.

Remember you are not at fault here - so don't go turning it over in your head asking yourself where you went wrong - you didn't - he did

Good luck with your situation and look after you.

oh - and I'm a man by the way.

Answer 3

Geeze this is a hard one...........why on earth would he dump this on your after he married you?.........talk about selfish and dishonest all in one!
He didnt just ..."cheat" ......he had a full on affair with another women for a long time, and a child resulted..........so therefore its never going to go away.

I have always said that everyone deserves a second chance.............but only if they are worthy of it......I personally couldnt forgive this one..........( and I forgave my guy for cheating...but it was a whole different situation).

I guess it boils down to how you feel and whether YOU can get over it because its going to eat at you for possibly years.

Good luck

Answer 4

I found out 20 years later my wife had a affair and got pregnant. Is he listed on the birth certificate as the father? The main thing can your fogive and forget and trut him again. This will take time so don'nt rush.About you will the door know be open for you to wan't to have an affair to see how it feels and to get even. Thats my problem i want to get even.Good luck be smart

Answer 5

depending on how many years of things your involved in your relationship with relitaves and feelings and how much you love them,, is one way i would decide when n how to divorice him no man has a right to go try new ladies for relationships or sex,,, we should always choose one party in the first 2 yrs of what way we ever feel before we say I DO> then when men feel like there spouse doesnt,, get there attentions sexually or mentally,, is what makes a guy get excited when other women give them more attention,, yet they are blind of what hes doing too, so now we have 2 ladies as victoms,, so yes leave his ****.. he has cheated,,, hes not a good sole.

Answer 6

if you really love him... and he's not in love with the girl, but only concerns is for the child they have created... then i guess you could try to make your marriage work.... but if what had happened has poisoned your relationship with him, that the child will be an "issue" between the two of you, i think you should leave him before you get pregnant. for not only you will suffer, but also your kids.
good luck.

Answer 7

It depends on you guys:
If you have the feeling, that you can forgive his betrayal and that this child isn't a problem for you - stay.

But if you have the feeling, that you can't forgive him and that you can't accept this child or him wanting to see the child, you should leave.

Counseling would help you both.

Answer 8

at a time when you reach for things that last
one thing you must do is let go of the past
since your fiance dropped the ball
looks to me it's your call
either forgive ,forget and swallow you pride
or tell hubby, "Sorry go find another Bride!"

Answer 9

If you really love him then you should be able to forgive him, but if you can't get passed this then you need to go ahead and get an annulment if you can in your state or go ahead and file for divorce.

Answer 10

no girl should ever have to be treated like this. i feel bad for you cuz now your in love with someone that is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. a REAL man should never hurt his love.